i.
on your birthday,
you were sound asleep in Autumn
with the boy you swore you would marry
and a mattress that didn't have the arms to hold you.
the first time you tried to escape,
you picked up your passport an hour before your flight
and found yourself in the cold of Toronto.
all pigeon and black squirrel
not enough clothing or warmth
too many streets you did not know how to pronounce.
you became gypsy queen
desperately trying to find your purpose in life
in a city that wanted to swallow you whole
ii.
during the first snowfall of December,
your heart sang its final battle cry
with fingernails sprawled across his skin.
when you became knife
you became machete
and ax
and heart attack
you became the first drop of blood
the last time you would ever throw your body at something so monstrous
you became savage
all that barbaric prison
sadistic lover
no more excuse to keep killing yourself.
when the cops refused to come
when your neighbors didn't bother to calm your screaming
when he tried to heal your wounds with booze
and lies
and more women,
you cried.
for the first time in this skin,
you let them know that you are human
and all blood
all warrior
all woman.
your heart sang its final battle cry
with fingernails sprawled across his skin.
when you became knife
you became machete
and ax
and heart attack
you became the first drop of blood
the last time you would ever throw your body at something so monstrous
you became savage
all that barbaric prison
sadistic lover
no more excuse to keep killing yourself.
when the cops refused to come
when your neighbors didn't bother to calm your screaming
when he tried to heal your wounds with booze
and lies
and more women,
you cried.
for the first time in this skin,
you let them know that you are human
and all blood
all warrior
all woman.
iii.
when the first flowers came up for breath
you found your smile the most comforting song you could ever sing.
with a mouth filled with softness
all the sweetness you had been missing
when you realized you became queen
you became birthday
everyday
stronger swimmer
drowning in forgiveness
a lot of tears
a lot of being born again
you found your voice
learned how to speak
learned who to speak for
let it heal
let it out
let it breathe
let them hear you
don't let them touch you when you cry
pick yourself up again
and again
and on the days you think you cannot
you continue
wipe that sadness off your body with a rag
refuse to become one with the broken
the worn out
learned how to separate yourself from who you used to be
iv.
when the girl of your dreams
found out how to hurt you
to leave you with jaw broken and head still high,
you let her leave.
let her think of you when her new girlfriend scowls at your name.
when you cannot bring yourself to love the boy
who loves you back,
you question your intentions.
when everyone is asleep in their beds
dreaming of smoke and prayer
there is a god within you
pushing you to love
to breathe again
for yourself.
inside of you,
lies a thunder so unsettling
a sky ready to erupt
the patch of skin waiting to become whole again.
inside of you,
there is something greater.
there will always be something to grasp onto
something that needs you
someone that needs you
somewhere that is waiting for you to claim home
inside of you,
lies a goddess.
ready to love.
to heal.
to come home.
