day 14

I am alone
laying across two sofas
arranged perfectly to imitate a bed.
It was my idea.

I think raccoons are cute
but in real life,
they are evil
and hiss
and stand on two feet.

I think one tried to close circuit my car
once I got to my apartment
after work.

I think the word is
"close circuit.."

if not
I am thinking of hijacking
but that makes the raccoon
seem...
like a terrorist.
Which it is
because it really actually scared me.

At first I thought the raccoons were cats.
And I was really happy.

It's cold out now
because Autumn is in full effect
with lovers wanting to nip at noses
and frost bite scheming a season ahead.

I miss Sara and I miss her a lot
everyday.
I also miss a lot of my closest friends
but I don't want to mention them here
because Sara is my best friend
and she actually reads my blog.

And now I apologize to the friends
who are my close friends
that actually read my blog.
You're still my friend, too.
I just love Sara more than everyone.

Jasper is my boyfriend slash
fiance, with a fancy e,
on good days.
Today
I am feeling a little heavy hearted
and sad.
I miss my mum and my pup.
Maybe it's time to visit.
Or move back.

I've never felt so weird
or maybe I just haven't felt so weird
in a really long time.

I don't think that I want to have friends
because I purposely don't make time for anyone
anymore.
Well I've never made time for anyone
besides myself,
Jasper,
Sara,
and some other people.
Like my sister.
And my pup.
I miss my mum, though. I think about her when I cry.
It makes me even more sad
but still pretty
because I've seen my mum cry before.
And it was the most beautiful thing.
It made me feel numb
in an old fashioned sense.
Like I just couldn't feel anything anymore.
Like frost bite had schemed a season earlier.
Or the raccoons had attacked me.
I don't know.

I'm still alone in my room
in a new apartment.
Jasper kisses me
and asks me what day of the 365 this is.
I say
14.
He says,
really? I thought it was day 17 for some reason.

I wish I was 17 again.
With the same will power and
determination
and love
and warmth I once had.
Now I'm nineteen
I want to drop out of school
I work almost 40 hours a week
I cry everyday
and I just miss everyone.
Today or tonight
will be one of those days/nights.
One where I admit and mope in the
deep side of Loserville.
Because this is who I am now.

A loser.
Maybe it's cool,
because it kinda feels cool,
but sometimes I don't want to be sad anymore.
I just want to be the girl
everyone thinks I am.
The strong sexy writer
who inspires others to be sexy writers.
But I am just a freckle faced Asian
who can barely take out the trash.

-loser

day 13

fuck


?

day 12

Earlier
I had to pee
really
really
really
bad.

So I ran a red light.

And a cop in an undercover car pulled me over.

So then I had to get lectured and
hold in my pee
even longer.

Then I got a $150 ticket.

But my family thinks I should "fight it"
but I feel like a criminal
but I don't know how I feel because
I just needed to pee.



Having to pee really bad isn't a crime.....
I AM NOT A CRIMINAL
I'm sorry waaaaah

day 11

JACK THE RIPPER AND A BROKEN HEART

Ah…

The first time I had ever felt so broken
was after falling in love with a prostitute
She was the first woman to ever tell me that I was unlovable
She said I was insane
I am just a little too brilliant
and
fascinated by anatomy
I love women who are open to being open.

The second woman to tell me I was unlovable
was Miss Mary Nichols

I let her go easily.

Just a hole in her throat and an open chest
inviting me to take a look at her heart.

She bled for me,

Enough to fill two wine glasses.

I suppose she had too much to drink that night.

And the third woman to tell me I was unlovable

was Miss Annie Chapman.

Oh Miss Annie…

She wouldn’t let me hold her

I placed my arms around her shoulders

And she just shrugged

Like I was just a worn out peacoat

So I tore out her intestines

Curly. She wore them like her hair that night

Slightly off the shoulders

Something to keep her warm until she found warmth in a coffin

Then there was Miss Elizabeth Stride,
the fourth woman to call me unlovable

The grocer sold us grapes that day

She was nice

We walked together like man and wife

Until she started walking away

It became man and knife and a bag of grapes that would never become wine for lovers

The fifth woman to call me unlovable was Miss Catherine Eddowes

Oh what a woman

She wanted nothing to do with me

But I didn’t either

I didn’t have time for a drunk housewife

Nor did anyone else.

She squealed a little but I got the job done

Opened her body up like wings

If I had more time

I would have suspended her by her intestines

Instead I laid them out for all of the town to see

This is not the kind of woman you play dress up with

She will hurt you in heels and a nice hair do

I kept her ear as a souvenir

A reminder

That someone out there will always listen to me

The last woman to ever call me unlovable
was dear Miss Mary Jane Kelly

Ha

Sweetheart would never stand a chance as a real housewife

Being six weeks behind payment is not what a real lady does

I drained her of her sins.

I painted her death bed with her own body.

It was a masterpiece at best.

A breast as a pillow and the other by her foot

A drunken liver between her feet

Intestines by the right hip

Spleen by the left

Chopped off her eyebrows

Chopped off her nose

Chopped off her ears

And chopped off her prose

Oh ha ha what a wonderful exhibit

Miss Mary Jane was the definition of naked

Ha ha ha ha

…

..

.

They didn’t call me Saucy Jacky for fun.

I emptied out her abdominal cavity

A good whore should never possess any amount of sweetness

day 10

my boyfriend loves me////




He convinces me to not be sad
but sometimes
you can't take the sad out of the girl

The sadness is just there

and I fell in love with it
before I fell in love with you

it is the place mat
before my welcoming heart
careful to step on sadness
not to leave your tracks there
it remembers your shoe size
and all of your footsteps

before entering a warm home
it is waiting there
for any soldier to knock down the door
invade some privacy
try to fall in love with me
then just leave
from disappointed

I did not ask to be born sad
or to fall in love with sadness
or to just find my soul mate
when i learned about heart beats
or foot steps
or even realized that i had a soul
and the ability to love
and to love many

my boyfriend loves me
some times I call him my fiance
because we are ready to marry
but sometimes we are not
because the sadness takes over my heart strings
leaves me to play puppeteer with every one's feelings

it's not what i wanted
it is just how i am


...
sadness is a blessing

day 9

Today is a day I realize that I am unhappy.

My life is not happy today.
c h a n g e
a few things to
change the heavy heart into
w e i g h t l e s s n e s s

I. switch out of my math class

my anxiety will not allow me to be in that class anymore

II. save money
so i can get on a big jet plane
and fly away

III. drop out of college (probably not, maybe, maybe just take a break)

IV. complete
all
of
my
unfinished
projects

V. figure out how to live in the city
somewhere
alone

VI. write more poetry

write more good poetry

VII. go for an amazingly long run
it's cold outside
it'll be good for me

VIII. eat more
at home

IX. produce my first song

X. go home today
and kiss my mommy

XI. make time for people who love me

XII. accept that I am a sad person

XIII. drop out of college

XIV. cry

day 8

"good vibes, love & all that jazz" pt. 1

--
nowadays
and yesterday

we are bundled in long socks and
head scarves
scrimmaging through defense mechanisms

often forgetting that our protection
is only a few eye stares away

from the warm smiles of
distant strangers
to the helping hand of a
new friend

this will all make the world better

we will all heal
one day at a time
but together
nonetheless

day 7

Today I went to the mall with bold red lipstick on.

Strangers were not shy at gawking at me
or just
straight up
punching me in the face with their eyes

some people are so afraid
so close minded
and tiny

I don't understand why red lipstick is
forbidden
is a sin? almost
I don't understand why I felt so sad
and lonely

Everyone tells you to express yourself
nobody tells you of how bad a stranger's judgement can affect you.



but it's okay

I was born courageous

day 6

1.
i need my art


2. I feel too much
and i am sad too often
I believe these are the effects of jealousy

3. I am too jealous as a person.

It is my worst flaw
following my dry humor
and horrible coordination

4. Sometimes
I feel like I'm trying too hard
to be the writer I want to be

maybe I am just stuck here
because this is the highest I'll ever reach

tonight I am feeling a lot

day 5

Fact:
There's nothing better than new guitar strings


I watch him as he tends to his baby.

It makes me happy
almost sentimental
to see a man love something so much

***
5 years ago
I watched you grow
lost to found to lost to found to
now
maybe lost in the sound of your own
voice
lost in amazement at how
quick your soul can find its presence
this is a gift in itself

to watch a man love something so much
to only see the love grow
to only feel the warmth in a soul
maybe he has found his way to accompaniment
or is still lost in the paths he could take



wherever you go
i go

love, love

day 4

call & response:

" I threw up after it ended, I was nervous the whole time. It made me look at myself as an artist. Its like I should be so much better. I mean, with all the things I've seen I should go hard with it. I dont even know why I'm doing poetry in the first place. Like I need to go on a spiritual journey or something. Maybe I'm just missing something."


To my poets
singers
dancers
writers
actors
runners
musicians
lovers
daughters
sons
friends
learners
teachers
dreamers
chasers


whoever you are
whether you have found your passion
or you are still drowning
whether you are swimming
but have forgotten why you like the sea

remember
that this journey began on a good note
for a reason no one will ever know but yourself
because it is worth it
remember
that there are only a few bumps in the road
but it should never be a reason to rip off the tires
and forget how to drive
or
forget your drive
or
forget why you like to sing
why you go to bed at night
dreaming of being on stages
taming the demons in your chest
the lions left in tangled knots of hair
in hair brushes
remember
there is a story to be told
there are words left to preach
remember everyone is listening
even when they are not
there is a mouse waiting for you to speak
to distract his enemies
we are all counting on you to save us
we are all waiting for you to be the hero
to save the village from disaster
we need your melodies
your strength
your inspiration
we need you to be the best you can be
even if it wasn't your best performance
we need you to love yourself
to tell us we can love ourselves
to remind us that we can all love
and be lovable

we are all lost sometimes
lost in clouds of inspiration
brain storm the best ways to dream high
to stay there
never let yourself fall out of your comfort zone
we need your beauty
the pretty pin point of a skinny comeback
we need the whole sacrifice

day 3

"my mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun"

he has glass eyes
but only when he is sad

when he is happy
he looks at me with eyes that make me numb
breaking spinal cords and
the ability to dance
the lack of mobility has never felt so sweet

i look him in the eyes
every morning
when we wake up
he doesn't say a word
he just kisses me
i say good morning
but i keep my eyes closed


...
i only want to see
what i cannot feel

day 2

I love with a passion

with a spark

I do not love enough to start forest fires

but homes aren't fire proof

a human being does not need that much warmth

we just want a hand to kiss

day 1

"happy birthday, beautiful"/Autumn #17 pt. 2



I.
itching to sing a song that has been
resting at the bottom of your stomach

that is where your breath takes a breath
sleeping somber
dreaming of the day a voice awakens

II.
a soul is more than just exhaustion
it is the silent beckoning
of a silent auction

we all gamble away our pride when the time is right
making sure not to play lottery with time

III.
we need all the time we can put our arms around

IV.
birthdays are a celebration of a beginning
it is a rare occasion
to put yourself first

it is the time you win jackpot
cashing in all the minutes you have wasted
today is a day to spend time wishing
hoping
dreaming

V.
on my thirteenth birthday
my mother forgot to wish me a good day at school

on my sixteenth birthday
my mother forgot that i hated sweet sixteens
they are only poor excuses to showcase how pretty we can all be
with just a cake of make up and a bunch of money envelopes
money will never buy you beauty

VI.
on my nineteenth birthday
my mother left me a money envelope on my bed
with a voicemail that inspired me

"Happy birthday, beautiful
we are wishing you good luck
and good health
forever
in your life

love,
mommy"

VII.
I will spend this year
feeling as beautiful everyday
just as if it is my birthday

there are plenty of reasons to feel your soul awakening
perhaps from the rumble of a cry
in the bottom of your throat

singing a happy birthday song
to your mother
to the beauty of a soul

on my nineteenth birthday
I woke up singing