day 14

I am alone
laying across two sofas
arranged perfectly to imitate a bed.
It was my idea.

I think raccoons are cute
but in real life,
they are evil
and hiss
and stand on two feet.

I think one tried to close circuit my car
once I got to my apartment
after work.

I think the word is
"close circuit.."

if not
I am thinking of hijacking
but that makes the raccoon
seem...
like a terrorist.
Which it is
because it really actually scared me.

At first I thought the raccoons were cats.
And I was really happy.

It's cold out now
because Autumn is in full effect
with lovers wanting to nip at noses
and frost bite scheming a season ahead.

I miss Sara and I miss her a lot
everyday.
I also miss a lot of my closest friends
but I don't want to mention them here
because Sara is my best friend
and she actually reads my blog.

And now I apologize to the friends
who are my close friends
that actually read my blog.
You're still my friend, too.
I just love Sara more than everyone.

Jasper is my boyfriend slash
fiance, with a fancy e,
on good days.
Today
I am feeling a little heavy hearted
and sad.
I miss my mum and my pup.
Maybe it's time to visit.
Or move back.

I've never felt so weird
or maybe I just haven't felt so weird
in a really long time.

I don't think that I want to have friends
because I purposely don't make time for anyone
anymore.
Well I've never made time for anyone
besides myself,
Jasper,
Sara,
and some other people.
Like my sister.
And my pup.
I miss my mum, though. I think about her when I cry.
It makes me even more sad
but still pretty
because I've seen my mum cry before.
And it was the most beautiful thing.
It made me feel numb
in an old fashioned sense.
Like I just couldn't feel anything anymore.
Like frost bite had schemed a season earlier.
Or the raccoons had attacked me.
I don't know.

I'm still alone in my room
in a new apartment.
Jasper kisses me
and asks me what day of the 365 this is.
I say
14.
He says,
really? I thought it was day 17 for some reason.

I wish I was 17 again.
With the same will power and
determination
and love
and warmth I once had.
Now I'm nineteen
I want to drop out of school
I work almost 40 hours a week
I cry everyday
and I just miss everyone.
Today or tonight
will be one of those days/nights.
One where I admit and mope in the
deep side of Loserville.
Because this is who I am now.

A loser.
Maybe it's cool,
because it kinda feels cool,
but sometimes I don't want to be sad anymore.
I just want to be the girl
everyone thinks I am.
The strong sexy writer
who inspires others to be sexy writers.
But I am just a freckle faced Asian
who can barely take out the trash.

-loser