Friday, November 30, 2012

day 75

(My
imagination
gets me in
trouble)

I.
The city was infected.
Next thing I know
we were all hiding.
Where is my mother?
The back of the house
led to a hallway with a back door
and a door to the attic
Inside of the door to the attic
There were two different doors
A hidden one
And a decoy

Many people broke into the house looking for our supplies
Everything we had was in the cellar

No one had found us yet

Our father figure had left us but told us that we would be relocating soon.I gathered up the strength and courage to gather food and supplies.

In the cellar,
I suddenly heard someone walking heavily.
Boots.
A big man with a shot gun comes walking down.
I hide.
And run.
He shoots at me.
I find another hidden door that leads to the attic and I gather everyone to relocate.
Our new spot was in a whole other town.

A quiet, humble town.
The house was one floored
and romantic.
It was stocked with food and supplies. This had to be a vacation home.

II.
The walls were made of glass.
My mistake was feeling too safe too soon.
I lay down on a couch and smell a freshly washed blanket.
Home. And I go into a daydream.
I miss my mother. And I wonder what she's doing. If she's still alive. If the sickness has reached her city. She's safely across the country but this virus has been spreading fast.

And then I hear a chuckle. A very manly laugh. Directed towards me. Like I'm a fool for feeling safe. And I open my eyes. He's staring right at me. So I run towards the others. But he follows. Through the snow. He raises his cold red palms at me. I wish I did not have to see what I can. This damned house of glass is directly related to the lives we all live. Impersonal... In the open. No lies and no truths.

The man opens our front door and threatens to hurt us if we don't help him. He takes all of our supplies, thanks us, and tells us he wouldn't be back.

He talks wearily. We forgive him for leading a life he doesn't want to live. We all just seek forgiveness in our aggression. I forgive you.
I forgive you.
I forgive you.

III.
We feel safe, but not as safe as we can be. There is a big store down the road that sells groceries and linens.
We keep men at home to protect the women and younger kids. I bring two strong men with me to the store. We need a lot of paint to paint over the glass and a lot of food.

As we check out, the same men come shooting up and robbing the store.
We want to leave immediately.
The store workers lead us to a secret elevator on the opposite side of the store. We hurry on. There are two other store workers and a pregnant woman. As the elevator door closes, one of the robbers walk by and try to get on. After fighting and screaming he manages to get on. Silent at first.

I am so scared. He proudly holds his shotgun. Whistles and stares at us.
He then proceeds to point his gun at us. I stand near the pregnant woman and she keeps blocking me. It's clear that he wants to hurt me. He keeps pointing his gun at me. And I shake from fear. I begin to cry.
Loudly.
The woman tells him to leave me alone. I stare at him.
He says if he shoots her, the bullet could still pierce my skin.
He aims for my head.
And everything just slows down.

I think of the ones we left at the glass house.
Hoping they aren't too worried. We have been gone for too long now.
I think of my mother I left at home miles and miles away. She's safe, I know it. It makes me stronger.

I tell the man to shoot me. I see the fear in his eyes. He has never shot anyone. He cries.
The elevator door opens. We all run out. I am near the parking lot. The 2 men I came with hurried ahead and brought the supplies to our car. I asked a security guard to walk me.

As I reach the car, I thank him. He waits for me to start the car.

It doesn't start.
Two thugs come by, open my door,
and slip a knife against the skin of my left foot. It hurts.
They ask me challenging. Does it hurt? Giggles.
I am furious.
I look at the security guard to get into the car. He does.
I close the door and my window. Lock it. Sit it the car with my friends.
We play music.
The group of robbers get into a fight with the thugs.
The first man who robbed our glass house ends up shooting everyone. Even his own men.
He cries.
"I wish I could forgive myself."
And shoots himself.

The sun comes up.
The car starts.
We make it to the glass house in one piece. Everyone is safe.
I forgive the trouble and the thugs and the fear and the cold.

I forgive you.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

day 74

"do you feel that?
it's emotion"

we panic once we realize our tongues have been set on fire with the ash of our words
/you aren't slurping up the remains of scorched hearts off the floor
we just learn how to clean up messes more efficiently 

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

day 73

i am horrible at defining
compassion
and
you are horrible at showing
compassion
i used to love you like
holding our worlds
seven seas apart
would numb the pain/ i have
splinters on my fingertips from
building waterproof sailboats
they are waterproof
just not
durable
i  never cared to shave down the surface
to make smooth criminals out of us
we have committed sin after
sin after sin
after we don't know what is right for each other anymore
after i will leave these splinters to
soak in and become a part of me
after every new sailboat i find myself falling in love in
the more i allow more to sink
to drown
to breathe a last gulp of compassion
whatever that means.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

day 72

broken laptop/ phase three: depression

I've tried to accept your loss
but I cannot stomach it
I cannot swallow a lost love with a swollen chest
Rib cages bursting at the seams
I would have searched for a way to fix myself
Wake up at odd hours of the night and hold you
cradle you in my arms
You made my soul swollen with words that were easy to swallow

Some nights I wish you never left
There is a void I do not know how to fill

I know you are broken

But I am too

Monday, November 26, 2012

day 71

broken laptop/ phase two: hysteria
I USED MY PHONE TO UPDATE MY BLOG
TO TELL THE WORLD HOW MISERABLE I AM
TO LET EVERYONE KNOW WHAT A BLESSING IT WAS
TO LIVE AND LOVE AND EXPERIENCE WHAT YOU HAD TO OFFER
BUT IT DOESN'T WANT ME LIKE YOU DID
IT DOESN'T LOVE OR CARE ABOUT ME LIKE YOU DID


it doesn't even publish my blogs
about you
like you did...

Sunday, November 25, 2012

day 70

broken laptop/ phase one: denial
I can't believe you did this to me.
I will not accept your loss so easily.
I know I mistreated you at times, but I didn't think you were actually hurt.
I cannot live
Without you.
I will never love again.

Saturday, November 24, 2012

day 69


Life of a drunken anti-social teenager:
1. I fucking hate you.
All of you.
Sometimes...

2. I fucking hate my ex boyfriend/
current boyfriend
whatever the fuck you are

3. Sometimes
4. There is a party in my apartment.
I've locked myself in my room
with an HDMI cable
American Horror Story
and a big bag of chips

5. They want me to drink beers with them
And hang out
And be normal
And feel normal
But I don't want to
Maybe later...
I don't know

6. I am not normal. And its not bad. And its not anything special. I'm not anything special. I just dont want to settle and drag myself down and I just fucking hate you all right now.
7. I hate my fucking ex boyfriend
current boyfriend
Whatever




I stopped drinking.
The lips of poison remind me too much of yours.

Friday, November 23, 2012

day 68

I wish that I could save you.

I watch you while you sleep
angel eyes and
a whole lot of cold sweat
I know you are still running

I know you are still dreaming to be saved

Some mornings
I wake myself up before you do
and I just watch you try to attempt peace
like a snapshot glimpse of a piece of your snore
would fix the silence
There will always be nothing I can say
to help you
and to heal you

So I just stay
but I'm still in love
even at a distance
we are still in love
I still wish that I could save you


the way you always find a way to pull me back to pieces
gluing me with cold sweat
and angel eyes

Thursday, November 22, 2012

day 67

I'm thankful for youth
I'm thankful for missing sneaking out
For my mother
For my dreams
Being able to dream while awake
For being able to chase
To do what no one would ever dare
For wanting to be a rock star
For one day I will be
One day you'll know me and we will be good friends
For holidays and the holiday season
For gluttony, greed and giving
For wishing
For kissing
And sex
And good health
For those that love me as much as I love them
for broken hearts
For broken dreamers
Inspiration
A reminder that I could too easily give up
For not giving up
For loving and lusting and not regretting
For good movies and good guys
For those who appreciate manners

For good hearts and unfinished poems

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

day 66

Stop telling me you love me
and I'll stop forcing myself to feel this way.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

day 65

TITLE: thank you for letting me go/ thank you for letting me grow

In my first 365 project,
I told you guys that I fell in love with a warrior.

I have fallen out of love with the same warrior.

Tonight, he let me go.
When you see something suffering, it is human nature to put them out of their misery. One day I'll wake up completely happy.

I won't wake up tomorrow, sticking skin to skin, telling someone that I'm still in love as ever.

Because things do change, and plans change. And you start to find the difficulty of staying. And you start to feel the heaviness of hearts breaking. Shattering. And the sound of a disagreement sounds like a million knives swiveling. And the sound of a million How are you guys doing will smash against the replies of He decided to leave me because he loves me more than anyone ever could

And the strength of a warrior dodging the heavy noise of  shattered hearts will save a life

He already saved me.

And I love you so much

Monday, November 19, 2012

day 64

the raw:

/ i fall in love with people who tell me i'm lovely
/ i owe my success of being able to dream to my mother. she is the MVP of my career
/ lara mullen, sophia coppola, alexa chung, my sister = women i idolize
/ i clearly love the idea of being in love. my heart cries every time i kiss him good bye but my hands just miss the thought of being held
/ i know my self worth
/ feeling pretty is a universal want
/ i once caught myself from falling in love with a friend after we spent a night together. he convinced me we are just friends the morning after. I do not speak to him online simply because i learned to block him on social networks. i however somehow managed to memorize his number.
/ i am so young
/ i, too, agree that it is nice to come home to someone every night. i have realized that it only applies to someone special
/ i am a goof but i am also probably the sweetest sweety you will ever know. i promise. i am only filled with love and daisy petals.
/ some days i am just rotten, though. this is human. i accept it.
/ i had so much to say earlier, but now i don't want to share anymore
/ indecisive
/ i will wake up in the arms of a bad choice

Sunday, November 18, 2012

day 63

Your skin is rough
calloused from all the kisses I give to you
they don't mean much anymore
But they feel soft in person

Feels familiar
You tell me not to go and I remember your kisses
on my baby soft skin
It's rough hearing these calloused I love yous

They're all we have left

Saturday, November 17, 2012

day 62

My mother is a landmine beaut

A gem with explosive words
sometimes I know she doesn't really understand what I love
Neither do I, mama
But one day it'll be crystal
With the feeling of being proud imploding from my baby body

With every splash of broken
We seem to find a way to repair ourselves

***
mama taught me

Friday, November 16, 2012

day 61

I left home wanting to discover myself
Wanting to feel more like an adult
To feel more responsible

In charge of my own story

I still am
But I still fall in love with anyone beautiful
I still blush when people look at me like I'm lovely
I still fear walking in darkness

But within the last two weeks,
I found
my self worth.

Thursday, November 15, 2012

day 60

my life has been an open studio
for artists to come and go as they please
i know they will come back someday
maybe not soon
feeling like my heart is an open cage
waiting for all the freebirds to reunite with my soul
fly back into my ribcage for me to hold them
i will never let you go


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

day 59

TITLE: Losing the home you've left in someone else's arms

i remember touching your hand before i left
and trying to swallow my own promise
i will love you even more when i come home


each i love you i swallow to myself is
a million knives trying to find home in my stomach
there is no home here
at least not one big enough for us
at least not anymore

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

day 58

It's amazing how troubled everyone feels before they can lay in their unmade beds

We don't speak anymore
Or as often
And it is somehow prohibited
To jump heart first into a trail

Just paved for us

It doesn't lead us to where we both want to be
But I wouldn't mind to settle for it
And I know you wouldn't either

But I won't...

Until I feel the home in your arms


Monday, November 12, 2012

day 57

but everyone wants to be loved
and everyone wants to sleep in the arms of someone touching clouds
and everyone wants to wake up next to someone else's warmth
touching and still stuck skin to skin
almost impossible to let go


**
you are almost impossible to let go


i still think of you everyday



i still think of you as home
a shape shifter

i still can't see you through the mist

Sunday, November 11, 2012

day 56

Everyone speaks in native tongue

I find myself lost in translation
and lost spinning head first with a tongue
half way out of my mouth
in no certain direction

It's tough feeling beautiful
while watching others communicate
in almost secrecy
just similar patterns of flapping tongues
like wings in a family of caged birds

they all know who will listen
I just want to understand myself

Saturday, November 10, 2012

day 55

(revealing my rape)

((Ontario International Poetry Slam 2012/ preliminary bout #3))

i'm subtle
a mouse
you won't know i'm here
til i squeak
til i peak
i want to reach the top
i am close

i dont have the joy of riches
in my hands
slipping loonies through my fingers
but i can run my hands through my hair
feel golden

i am true to myself

i will stay true to myself

/genuine
/sweet
/kind


/daughter

Friday, November 9, 2012

day 54

I woke up today feeling homesick.


I am currently 552 miles away from home.
That isn't too bad.
It's a two hour flight,
a ten hour drive,
a fourteen hour bus ride.

Home is not far at all.
But I miss my friends, my love,
my family.
My mother.
My city.

Tomorrow
the international slam I've been waiting for
will take place. (OIPS)
I'm not sure how I will place,
but I am hoping to leave a lasting impression.
I want people to ask me where I came from again.


I'm from Lowell. I'm still from Lowell.
I'm just visiting.

Hopefully I won't feel like such a visitor anymore.
Dreaming.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

day 53

today
I walked by a snobby rich guy
with a cute dog

I waved at the dog
and he turned his cheek at me.

That dog is such a beyotch.

***
pretty doesn't mean nice

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

day 52

my best friend's words are about me

I find myself
slightly selfish
in the fact that I only write about myself
my dreams
my wants
always my fears
too afraid to share it

too afraid to live it
to live it down
to re live
be in the moment
it is the hardest steps to climb
going backwards
turning around to face your worst enemy
dreaming that someone would find comfort in your nightmare

my best friend's words are about me

he has found the beauty of my nightmares
and surrounded my fear of open space with comfort
with cloud soft words
and
friendship

it happens

it always happens

so maybe perhaps
one day
a new stranger can learn from the pain in my voice
and stop himself from causing nightmares

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

day 51

HERE
is a new home I am willing to break in.


"setting fire to our insides for fun"
feel the passion
feel it burst the words out of our lungs
it's hot in here
it's burning
it's a touch i will remember
the pain
the struggle to be free of flame
stopping to the drop and roll
listening to the rock and roll in
busy toronto subways

they're all walking without you
you don't need to join them
they don't know your name yet
but you like it this way


you like the freedom to be whoever you choose to  be today
you wake up and want to swim
want to fly in new air
breathe it in
be this change
be the love of your own life
this is you
this is your time


this is how hot your flame is
how long it will keep you warm
remember there is life within your chest
and with every song sung
you are revived
day after day after day
you are alive
you are living
you are loving
you are love
to a stranger
to a stranger's smirk
turn stranger's day into heaven

you're there

Monday, November 5, 2012

day 50

TITLE Settling into a newborn affair


1
if you don't find me sitting
cross legged
across literary legends

I haven't done my job

2

LITERS

KILOMETERS

ROGERS

POUTINE

SIX DIGIT AREA CODES

3 There is a lot for me to learn
a lot for me to see
sightsee
fall in love with vision
fall in love with other perspectives
there are too many point of views
I've played blind mouse to

4
I'm shy

Hopefully this will not ruin my trip
Hoping to find love in other souls
Hope to accept new
and change
and freedom

5
The currency here is so pretty
I will learn to save 
Become an artist one with the city culture
Walk around with hands in pockets
while watching lovers become spark givers

6
There is too much fire in me
Not enough cold to dim it down


7
Not enough cold to dim it down

Sunday, November 4, 2012

day 49

So this is it.
Everyone knows
and everyone is proud.

I just hope that I can make a home out of my words.

Dreaming of coming back home a champion,
I just want to be what everyone thinks I can grow to be.

I still have a lot of growing to do.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

day 48

TITLE "Tongue kissing with a porcelain god"






*
I saw you at the party last night
You seemed upset with me
Asked
Why didn't you tell me you were going out?



**
I know you really meant
You don't love me as much anymore

Is this true

If this is true
How broken do we have to be
to break each other just a little bit more

Fragile chipped tooth smiles
at the girl next door
I will walk you home to make sure you're sleeping alone tonight

***
You left me at my door step

Watched me fidget key to lock
as I opened up a jail cell
for myself

It is a cruel punishment

To push your lover into a home she does not want to be in

****
Last night
I was
tongue kissing with a porcelain god

All my sober thoughts of you
started to rearrange themselves in order of
sadness

I cried last night

Now I understand why we are so broken
We are too porcelain fragile
and not cautious at all

*
But you never asked me what I was going to do last night

Friday, November 2, 2012

day 47

Sometimes the days are long
and I only wish to lay with you


Most days
the dogs lay low with me
feeling low
feeling too down to Earth
deep down I just want you to feel me


I whimper at the chances you don't take

I still wait for you to come around

Thursday, November 1, 2012

day 46

Dear Sara,

Today I can officially call myself a college dropout. Well, just for the rest of this semester. I talked to Febo earlier, and he totally understands. I joked around about actually moving to Toronto. He knows I secretly want to. He said that it was okay if I decided to move. I mean, after all, I am only 19. I am learning to love without binding strings, exploring myself, and hopefully I can make a name for myself.

I leave on Monday. Today I wanted to do my laundry and pack, but I ended up getting my period and rolling around in bed after dinner. I had such a horrible headache that I just knocked out. It felt like high school all over again. The uncertainties, the sleepiness, and the dreaming without a cause. I didn't have a dream or anything, though. But it felt really good to just wake up naturally like that. No nightmares or anything.

Of course I ended up not packing or doing laundry. But I did get a new cell phone today! It's the same 978-967-blank blank blank blank number. So you can text me if you ever feel the need to. I don't think we need to actually text/call each other. This whole long distance relationship thing is working out really well. I think we're the only lovers that could actually do this.

Tomorrow/Friday, I am picking up my passport in Boston. How last minute! It has taken so long to actually have it in my hands. It's been a long process, but it hasn't stressed me out at all. I mean, I'm not in school until January, I don't really care about work, I still love him, but we are still in two different worlds nonetheless, I wouldn't mind getting stuck in Canada. It's the nights that kill the most. That's when I really miss Jasper and I just want to cuddle up next to him, but it's better this way. You know? It's just so much more... freeing? And that's all I wanted in the end.

Febo told me to go to a MassLeap workshop on Saturday. It's like a big meeting with MassLeap people and big important poetry people. And this is the first time we'll have it in Lowell. It starts at 1-5pm, but I work at 3pm. Sofia Snow will be there. She's become one of my friends, and she's such a goddess. He told me to have a conversation with her. About anything that is anything. Because she has been through it all, balancing school, work, and relationships, along with her art. He said she would know best.

At the same time, I could hear the same pain in Febo's voice that he shares in his poems. But this was so raw. It was just real. Sofia left love for more opportunities, and she has made a name for herself. I feel like Jasper is my Febo, but I feel a slight hold back. I don't want to completely shut out Jas but I need to. It's really difficult. I need a drink.

Lol jk I'm just kinda dehydrated.

Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful day in school. Also I saw a picture of you and a boy on FB. You were in a beautiful dress and he was in a very cute tailored outfit! The lighting and the smiles were so real and vintage. I call it "Sunday School Love."

I love you, Sara.

Kisses