day 46

Dear Sara,

Today I can officially call myself a college dropout. Well, just for the rest of this semester. I talked to Febo earlier, and he totally understands. I joked around about actually moving to Toronto. He knows I secretly want to. He said that it was okay if I decided to move. I mean, after all, I am only 19. I am learning to love without binding strings, exploring myself, and hopefully I can make a name for myself.

I leave on Monday. Today I wanted to do my laundry and pack, but I ended up getting my period and rolling around in bed after dinner. I had such a horrible headache that I just knocked out. It felt like high school all over again. The uncertainties, the sleepiness, and the dreaming without a cause. I didn't have a dream or anything, though. But it felt really good to just wake up naturally like that. No nightmares or anything.

Of course I ended up not packing or doing laundry. But I did get a new cell phone today! It's the same 978-967-blank blank blank blank number. So you can text me if you ever feel the need to. I don't think we need to actually text/call each other. This whole long distance relationship thing is working out really well. I think we're the only lovers that could actually do this.

Tomorrow/Friday, I am picking up my passport in Boston. How last minute! It has taken so long to actually have it in my hands. It's been a long process, but it hasn't stressed me out at all. I mean, I'm not in school until January, I don't really care about work, I still love him, but we are still in two different worlds nonetheless, I wouldn't mind getting stuck in Canada. It's the nights that kill the most. That's when I really miss Jasper and I just want to cuddle up next to him, but it's better this way. You know? It's just so much more... freeing? And that's all I wanted in the end.

Febo told me to go to a MassLeap workshop on Saturday. It's like a big meeting with MassLeap people and big important poetry people. And this is the first time we'll have it in Lowell. It starts at 1-5pm, but I work at 3pm. Sofia Snow will be there. She's become one of my friends, and she's such a goddess. He told me to have a conversation with her. About anything that is anything. Because she has been through it all, balancing school, work, and relationships, along with her art. He said she would know best.

At the same time, I could hear the same pain in Febo's voice that he shares in his poems. But this was so raw. It was just real. Sofia left love for more opportunities, and she has made a name for herself. I feel like Jasper is my Febo, but I feel a slight hold back. I don't want to completely shut out Jas but I need to. It's really difficult. I need a drink.

Lol jk I'm just kinda dehydrated.

Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful day in school. Also I saw a picture of you and a boy on FB. You were in a beautiful dress and he was in a very cute tailored outfit! The lighting and the smiles were so real and vintage. I call it "Sunday School Love."

I love you, Sara.

Kisses