day 134

I wonder why inconsistency exists

If there are lessons to be learned, I've come to accept that I will continually grow broken, slanted like the limbs of an old tree, fragile and tender, waiting for the last strike of luck to just be let go. I love foolishly and hot. Love like vacation. Swaying in between reach of roots and dancing with soft shore wind. I learned to love how heavy gravity feels when you're underwater. How easy it is to let go and be cleansed. Be one with the sea. Blue, and wishing to hold onto every soul I let in.
I've become so salt water stingy and bitter and wanting to clean my open wounds with a drowning. I love too deep. Too heavy and dangerous. No one really loves like this anymore, or at least I don't think I've felt it in return. I've loved madly twice.
I used to believe I didn't want someone so quiet, but I just never realized how loud his love for me was. I thank him for letting me go and allowing me to grow, but I can't let go of how much I actually miss him sometimes. I miss him hard and it makes me so sad. The feeling of making a mistake is much more than guilt or being lonely. He never made my life stressful or jealous or unsatisfying. The love and the strength of the love He gave me was always more than enough. I'm sorry I didn't see this a lot sooner. I'm so sorry I left so quickly and so eager to just adventure. Nowadays, my life is just blue and heavy and jealous. I cry a lot and hard. I regret often. I've grown very sad and lost and not ready to leave again because I know how hopeful I am. I am too much of a dreamer for my own good. I wake up next to him sometimes and feel the unbearable weight of staying. I've learned to love the way a gust of wind can make your whole body feel. Like effortless and beautiful. My mistake was just wanting so much and just pushing it all away.
I love a lot and I will always love forever. It is possibly too late for the one but we all live and learn and grow and adjust. I don't even know him anymore. I cried for an hour tonight because I remember knowing him by heart. I can't even remember what makes him happy anymore or even sad or what he loves and why I even used to love him so much. He used to give me the light weight of being in love all the time. The gravity is a lot heavier now.
I tend to let myself sink.