day 319

The son of a single vessel called me a loose canon. Said,

   I wouldn't understand the strength of a curse.

I breathe. 

There is so much to say and I cannot find the words today.

   Give me light

   and the power to forgive

   The sharp shrapnel and the tainted metal in my limbs

   Tell me

      confused boy,

      please,

let my body,

all scratch and tear

and broken battlefield bloody,

   about this curse

   about the loss of a breath

   about the words you think I do not have the soul to body. 

day 318

push
comes to shove
comes to better yourself
help me better yourself
better myself
us
together
growth
growing together
and apart
becoming a part
of
something
greater
I call this love.

day 317

I will not wait for you, break for you or let you tell me how you want me to make you feel. I will not bend over backwards and sideways and do somersaults in your mind. I will not sit, mouth stitched, and fingers magnetized towards your skin. Will not touch you will not let you make me object. Will not slander your name against my tongue. Will forgive will forget will heal will not let you be a part of this joyous celebration.

day 316

baby,
the chandeliers are dancing for us tonight.
there is no more high to breathe in.
we all look like broken diamonds from the ground up.
don't bust your fingers open
on the shards of this relationship.
let them dissolve
into sweet ocean and the spit shine of a goodbye.

day 315

Mom loves you. She'll understand if you tell her. She won't hold it above your head. Like noose and broken bottles in the cellar. All that mold you hold dear inside your mouth, open up, and let the moths finally spread their wings. Let them cuddle cocoon fingers and stretch your skin. Tough but silk and rough and harp string. These are the ways I think of up. Of flying, waking up better, stronger.

day 314

sad me goes to bed alone again

wakes up to your face

in the spur of the moment,

we smile

forget that I fell asleep on our date

you guilt trip me into falling into this trap

you came to bed when I was vulnerable

I don't want to be wrong for loving 

day 313

Dumbing yourself down to make a man smile makes me cringe. After high school, all the boys who made fun of me for being geeky or nerdy or called me a major dork wanted to date me. In high school, I learned that boys develop character much later than girls. The girls I've spent time with after school spent a lot of time perfecting their fake laughs and push up bras. Like the higher your tits were determined your status to heaven, with all the fake glory and quick divorces. 

day 312

falling pt1

The slight wink and stretch of an arm in an audience filled with sad people, and happy people, and people you don't really care to ask about their day. You roll your eyes at the beauty on your right who keeps asking you how you're doing, if your name has changed, not about the girl on your arm or the woman you're making love to. I don't know how to approach her. I just know where we sit and stand and all that in the middle. 

day 311

Sharing the sheets with your skin is my favorite blessing

6am waking up to your face

your voice and all your mouth

just so precious

just the right amount of give and take

push n pull

slipping my way into your life

you stand closer

today

day 310

open letter to a passive aggressive teenage girl
sup girl

wonder what runs through your mind on the daily
hope you got enough sleep last night
rested your soft hardheaded skull onto pigeon feathers
did you dream of flying?
did you dream at all?
close your eyes and it's all black
all dark
all hard to distinguish goals and the hustle
stuck in the struggle of it all
what color lipstick to paint your mouth with
what top makes your breasts seem more plump
which shorts give your ass the right amount of round
because these all matter, girl
they do
i'm not saying they don't
we appreciate you
all of you
and your crew
and your men
and your drunk sitting slouching grabbing someone's dick
through the humidity of a dark room
no pictures please
unless you are powdered and pretty
and not so swollen faced
swollen bellied with punch drunk baby
i laugh in all your faces

day 309

learning2loveu

always so defensive
           so sensitive
           so unprepared for your next move
your mouth
 and the absence
 of light
 in that caved in prose
both are slowly shifting me into different directions
    want to learn to be one
    difficult when i don't understand you
        you don't understand me
    and how i think
        prick my fingers on a needle hay stack
        leaving myself a trail to follow
    in the morning
    wake up next to you
  with my mouth open

day 308

reasons why I don't get along with my Aquarius lover

Part 1

you are all the words I'd hate to describe you with. I am slowly coming to realize that these over truths can be said way more softly. No more brashness and bad endings. Just want to forget about the differences. You flow with water in your veins and I don't want to sail on this coast anymore. Too much wind and not enough body. Don't know how to talk about sad with you. Only know how to be sad with you. 

day 307

I stopped ignoring her calls once I turned eighteen. I'm not scared of my mother anymore. Hide a whole lot of bitterness and lost light for years. We have an unhealthy relationship. I don't try to fix it anymore. Run away for what seems like a lifetime and mother probably feels heartbroken. I don't know how to be the light anymore. I am so tired. So sad and so upset with too much. Myself maybe. I'll keep the blame to myself. I am trying to be better, mother. I am trying to forget. And heal. 

day 306

Miss you half asleep, sharing half your ocean and a whole lot of mouth. Sometimes forget that I can share too much harsh, too much rasp in my voice. Ignore you for hours to avoid confrontation. We both are learning to hurt each other. We both already know how to love. 

day 305

My birthday is in exactly two months.

I'm not as excited this year.

I hope mum is nicer to me.

I hope I am nicer to mum.

I want to stop being bitter.

I hope I am not in bed with anyone but myself.

My family stopped celebrating birthdays years ago.

I am learning to celebrate myself.

day 304

I don't have a healthy relationship with my parents.

1.

who does?

2.

I'm still extremely bitter towards my mother. We compare sob stories and all I want is for her to accept that I'm not okay with my rape. I wish she would stop blending marble counter tops and porcelain bath tubs into my dinner. I am so mad at you, mum. I am so angry. I cannot tell you I am angry because you will ask me why I am being ungrateful. I just wish you would stop having dinner with my molester's mother.

3. 

I only call my father when I need money. He's broke. Poor soul. We have dinner and he just tells me about all my half siblings who I've never met. I don't want to meet them, dad. Maybe you should. You really don't understand that people get genuinely hurt. People do not want to forgive you after twenty years of abandonment. I don't want to be your daughter. I forgive you because I know how it feels to hurt and be abandoned by someone you love.

day 303

you make me feel so new. feet off the ground
one second hop
elevator no gravity zone
just contained floating
similar to swimming
and learning to tread water
just to stay cool
with you
maybe learning to drown
pull my feet closer towards substance
feel a bunch of everything
no breath
no breathing
no gasping for air
no surprises
we are growing gills
learning to love underwater
under wars
battlefield mine crafts in your hands
building a way to trust you
without blowing up
triggers pointing to my head
a simple boom
a big bang
close to death
you make me feel different
just different,
maybe a tad bit odd
i haven't felt like this in awhile
a long time
this time will be new

day 302

my stepmother must really hate me/part 1

"You should talk to your father more.

You know he loves you,

right?"

I nod my head.

Eyes rolled to the back on my scalp

I pretend to shoot missiles across the dinner table

from my eyes

project project project

your voice

is a weapon

So I scream

so silently

SURE.

"Okay, okay,

Alright."

I talk to my father when I'm dead broke.

Lost the feeling in my wrists.

He asks if I wear the watch he bought me for graduation.

It's a pretty watch.

It's an expensive watch.

I wear it when I need to buy more time.

Wonder where childhood went,

I must've missed out on all the fun everyone talks about.

"So I heard people tell me about your poetry,

they say you're really good. That's good.

I'm so happy for you"

I nod my head

and bite my tongue,

silently drowning and I don't really want to be saved

This has got to be a dinner from hell.

I wonder if they tell you that I write poems about you.

Bad poems.

Daddy issue poems and abandonment poems.

I look for love in the arms of the wrong people

I fell blindly for someone who reminds me too much of your wrong.

You called him handsome and he smiled.

You want me to be with a boy who reminds you of yourself.

I drown.

day 301

use my body for turn table/ a poor excuse for making love with bad music on

1
new york smells
really bad
I think it's because I haven't lived there
or have stayed there long enough
to get used to the stench of
garbage, sweat,
and the butts of fireflies
cigarette smoke
ash

2
it's nice to see us all growing together
growing up
together
you were my first poet love
it was magic
and a lot of anger
and I was never the prettiest girl in the room
or the most poetic
or beautiful
or both
you ask me out on a date
I hesitate
we are so close yet two whole worlds apart
I tell you sure
we have always been
so distant

3
you kiss me on the cheek
again
and
again
and
again
and it is so sweet
I return the favor
we plan a trip out of the country
hopefully this will happen
and we will be stars
they will probably not remember our names
but we will remember each other
as we have
for years
and that's all that matters to me right now

4
I miss the girl that has shown me the skyline
the sweet silhouette of a city that is starting to
introduce
itself to me
i say hello almost everyday
it is summer
I just want to see you close your eyes
and open them in the morning
next to me.
your eyes are so pretty.
I see the silhouette of a city that is starting to
introduce
itself to me.

day 300

coolidge center

driving 90mph on a dark highway just to find the light in your touch. taught myself how to get to you without any direction. brain memory. remembering how it feels to lay besides you and laugh. feel good laugh. from your stomach. good posture. we watched a midnight screening of a horrible horror movie. i fell asleep in your arms. warm and all that lovey dovey. you watch me sleep and i dream of just being with you. it is the most satisfying feeling to have the person you love love you back. we wake up back to back with our bodies slightly touching, i remember how it feels to fall again. arms high and head tilted. to the right. both faces and pairs of lips. i find more of myself when you fall lips first onto my forehead. lay awake for five hours past midnight just to hear my stories. they're all sad. you know this, but you still ask. i fall asleep talking. we wake up worn out from already missing each other's company.

day 299

mum doesnt like to take pictures

the only photo we have together is of us on our front steps

me,

   in my prom gown

her,

   with the biggest I've ever seen her smile

her porcelain is something I was born into

fragile and small

easily broken

we repainted the whole entire first floor last week

mum took the family photos off the living room walls

we stare at the new blank state

I want to teach her how to love herself again.

dad is in three photos

he's holding me in all of them

   he is helping me pick apples today

He whispers, let the fruit fall from the tree

   if it spoils before you can bite into it,

   let the seeds plant life right in front of you. 

I've been trying to grow myself a father ever since. 

dad has bad teeth

I'm convinced he is a mouth full of bruised apple

   and blistering ego

my parents met during the genocide

dad inherited a jewelry store in his dirt rich village

mum was a pretty city girl

it was the glory years

   the ultimate love story

   find a lover your age and run fast enough to plant life before they catch you

but they never taught me how to love

   they only taught me how to fuck like I will run out of life

mum collects porcelain figurines and fancy China sets

she calls it her hobby

she leaves them all in display cases in the dining room

we haven't eaten dinner together in years

on the nights when the house spirit doesn't scare me bad enough

I kneel down and carve my fingernails into the flesh of the living room walls

my therapist says family photos are my instant triggers

when I date someone who comes from a big family,

I want to turn them all into ghosts

   the boys I have loved all come from big families

   they invite me for dinner

   I try my best not to turn my knife into a battlecry

I sit still and smile

   carve my fork along the blues in my arms

   trying to trace back to where my parents met

   and disassemble their paths before they even cross

mum still hasn't put the family photos back onto the living room walls

I say,

   let's fill the frames with baby birds that jump to their death

   and the song cry of an abandoned bee

I hear the house spirit screaming at me through the walls

I keep it trapped inside a home that will never learn how to sing its name

she frowns

   cries at the sight of me performing my own autopsy

   stretches her arms across the walls

I ask,

   isn't this how a family photo works?

   we plant each other onto the walls so strangers can envy us,

   right?

She whispers,

   honeybee,

   where'd you get those teeth?

   you look so much like your father with that smile. 

day 298

dear,

summer

falling

you are October

cold

warmth in your palm

tap me on the shoulder

we 

do

not know how to

sleep without each other anymore

day 297

can't wait to be held

by something other than

the suction cup of my

flesh

sometimes

I miss you so bad

I wait for my nude to

scream from

the loneliness'

suffocation

day 296

in the game of slam,
you play to win.
you don't recite your secrets
and spit up your blood
just to become friends
with people.
if that is the case,
you would've settled
for a spot
on the
o p e n
mic.
when i talk about my
rape,
i risk the chance of
drainage.
a slow slither and
tug
    and
pull
of my soul.
the loss of a slam,
to me,
feels like
i didn't have the best
sob story.
because that's
what
it
really
is
in the end.
we are all
comparing
sob stories.
                 your rape poem was the best rape poem of the night
and i will
smile
but i am secretly
screaming
inside of my skin.
there are knives
taking turns
at playing darts against
my face.
STAB
you were molested when you were 11
STAB
he didn't stop until you could decide you didn't need a babysitter anymore
STAB
you're just another my babysitter raped me poem
STAB
your mother is insensitive to your assault
STAB
your ex boyfriend used to hit you
STAB
boo hoo, another woman empowerment poem
STAB
more fuck the patriarchy poems
STAB
STAB
stab

day 295

you will s h o w e r                     and
wonder why your body aches

it wants to hold something that will make it whole again

grab onto all the flesh and nude you are allowed to
                    all
honeysuckle stomach                 and
sweet,
s w e e t collarbones

day 294

Slouched down on this futon in the dark

I don't have an AC

mum bought me a window fan

I installed it myself

Slowly sticking to the leather

The dried skin

The smooth and peel of my body 

Trying to maneuver myself into your life

Smoothly

Peeling myself against the grains of sand

Sinking with sandbags

Eating sand from the sandbox

Sometimes the kids can be mean

Pulling myself away from the glow of your text message

Beginning to tan from our late night conversations

They will explode

"You're perfect

You're perfect

You're perfect"

day 293

I am not sad today.

The other side of my bed is still empty. He asks if he could hold me. Just for a second longer. I tell him no. I don't have time. The girl I want to learn to love is a few hours away. I learned that she likes sunflowers. We can actually marry each other if things work out. He introduces me to his friends. I drink some beers and fall in love with how reckless this girl is. I do not want to lose myself in her mouth or her arms. I do not even want to fall asleep next to her tonight. Waking up tangled in sheets and hair and I don't think I am sad today. I had a bad hair day, but aren't we all feeling some sort of messy? 

day 292

magic

sip a few brews on the roof of your new friends' apartment 

watch how much higher you are than the fireworks

you are a few feet away from calling yourself god 

share your heart and heritage

prick your fingers with tar

be glad you aren't dripping in sadness tonight

for once

you are happy and not in the arms of an unruly boy

or girl who wants to know your name

day 291

loving you is like driving after two beers
I feel good
you feel scared
we both lose ourselves in our words
and stares
and a whole lot of being young
there is too much tension in my voice to go to bed with you tonight
we sleep with our mouths open
i sew them together
all jaw bone and broken tooth root
sweet cavity all in your head

day 290

I miss all the beauty that used to find its way into my life

Your voice used to be so precious to me

I would go to bed at night with your fingers in my hair

strumming our heart beats together

Perfectly tangled in wrinkled sheets

You'd always sleep until noon

Wake up, smoke a cigarette or two,

we'd go out for hot coffees

We lived so hot in the wintertime 

so cold in the summer

One time you burned your back against the radiator in your sleep

I wanted you to melt

The last time we fought, it was the beginning of winter

I've felt that cold for a year already

I wrapped my fingers around your face and slapped you

over and over and I couldn't stop and I didn't want to

I was stuck between the idea of warming up my hands

and spitting up the fire you've left in me

When love gets passionate,

no one wins... We are both still so sad.

day 289

Mum bought a new scale for the bathroom. It's automatic. I hope it's a liar. Yesterday I stepped on the scale for the first time in a few months. 108 pounds. Sad. Last night I stepped on it again. 107 pounds. This morning, I weighed myself again. 106.2 pounds. Skinny fat. One of those fat days. I wonder when all my curves and woman came in. Knocked me upside the head like plastic surgery and now I'm a tiny Asian girl with big tits and a round ass. Mum is four foot nine and round. She's plump. She doesn't like to take pictures. This morning I went for a run. It's hard to go fast when your body jumps out of its skin at you. When I lay down with a little lover, my chest kisses my own neck. Curvy is beautiful, I guess. But not when you're not used to it. My older sister is about two inches shorter than me and she weighs ninety pounds. I hate being the big sister.