day 295

you will s h o w e r                     and
wonder why your body aches

it wants to hold something that will make it whole again

grab onto all the flesh and nude you are allowed to
                    all
honeysuckle stomach                 and
sweet,
s w e e t collarbones

day 294

Slouched down on this futon in the dark

I don't have an AC

mum bought me a window fan

I installed it myself

Slowly sticking to the leather

The dried skin

The smooth and peel of my body 

Trying to maneuver myself into your life

Smoothly

Peeling myself against the grains of sand

Sinking with sandbags

Eating sand from the sandbox

Sometimes the kids can be mean

Pulling myself away from the glow of your text message

Beginning to tan from our late night conversations

They will explode

"You're perfect

You're perfect

You're perfect"

day 293

I am not sad today.

The other side of my bed is still empty. He asks if he could hold me. Just for a second longer. I tell him no. I don't have time. The girl I want to learn to love is a few hours away. I learned that she likes sunflowers. We can actually marry each other if things work out. He introduces me to his friends. I drink some beers and fall in love with how reckless this girl is. I do not want to lose myself in her mouth or her arms. I do not even want to fall asleep next to her tonight. Waking up tangled in sheets and hair and I don't think I am sad today. I had a bad hair day, but aren't we all feeling some sort of messy? 

day 292

magic

sip a few brews on the roof of your new friends' apartment 

watch how much higher you are than the fireworks

you are a few feet away from calling yourself god 

share your heart and heritage

prick your fingers with tar

be glad you aren't dripping in sadness tonight

for once

you are happy and not in the arms of an unruly boy

or girl who wants to know your name

day 291

loving you is like driving after two beers
I feel good
you feel scared
we both lose ourselves in our words
and stares
and a whole lot of being young
there is too much tension in my voice to go to bed with you tonight
we sleep with our mouths open
i sew them together
all jaw bone and broken tooth root
sweet cavity all in your head

day 290

I miss all the beauty that used to find its way into my life

Your voice used to be so precious to me

I would go to bed at night with your fingers in my hair

strumming our heart beats together

Perfectly tangled in wrinkled sheets

You'd always sleep until noon

Wake up, smoke a cigarette or two,

we'd go out for hot coffees

We lived so hot in the wintertime 

so cold in the summer

One time you burned your back against the radiator in your sleep

I wanted you to melt

The last time we fought, it was the beginning of winter

I've felt that cold for a year already

I wrapped my fingers around your face and slapped you

over and over and I couldn't stop and I didn't want to

I was stuck between the idea of warming up my hands

and spitting up the fire you've left in me

When love gets passionate,

no one wins... We are both still so sad.

day 289

Mum bought a new scale for the bathroom. It's automatic. I hope it's a liar. Yesterday I stepped on the scale for the first time in a few months. 108 pounds. Sad. Last night I stepped on it again. 107 pounds. This morning, I weighed myself again. 106.2 pounds. Skinny fat. One of those fat days. I wonder when all my curves and woman came in. Knocked me upside the head like plastic surgery and now I'm a tiny Asian girl with big tits and a round ass. Mum is four foot nine and round. She's plump. She doesn't like to take pictures. This morning I went for a run. It's hard to go fast when your body jumps out of its skin at you. When I lay down with a little lover, my chest kisses my own neck. Curvy is beautiful, I guess. But not when you're not used to it. My older sister is about two inches shorter than me and she weighs ninety pounds. I hate being the big sister.