day 106

recap

i turned nineteen
and got onto a plane
to Toronto

i learned a lot about myself

i am very bad at saving money

i have made many mistakes
hurt many people
broken a few hearts
and lost mercy for my own

i dropped out of college
kinda
yea

late 2012 was really rough

my passion grew
that is all that matters
and all that i want to remember about this year

day 105

I woke up today still hating you.
Still wishing you'd reach out to me
I tried to get myself to cry over you last night,
but I don't have any energy left in me
No more emotion
I've just become hollowed out
waiting for you to pass by me and realize you're empty too

I'm afraid that we will both remain empty if we decide to become whole again
I am terrified in the truth of falling out of love
At this point, I do not need advice or a lover to mend my heart
I just need time to realize you are not what I set you up to be

I am not disappointed
Just a little bitter and a little hurt.

day 104

you smell like cigarettes and a cheap thrill

Today
I put on your sweater
I smelled like cigarettes for hours
I didn't care

I still don't want to worry

I still don't know what we want

day 103

My mother always told me to never cry over two things:

Broken hearts
and paper cuts

She would always say,
"Shush. It's so little. You only feel it now because you can see how broken it is."

When my boyfriend broke up with me,
she told me how dumb I looked for crying over a boy
I wasn't even married to.
She then continued to lecture me about how the only man she's ever cried over
was the poor excuse I had for a father.
Said,
"Three children and millions of affairs later,
I had no choice.
He was just a paper cut I ignored for years and
years and kept giving my treasure of a breath to.
I didn't cry because my heart was broken
or because I didn't send him a love letter
enveloped by disappointment,
I cried because I had become a hollow needle
waiting for someone that didn't want to stick around."

To this day,
every time I get my heart broken,
I just tell her I got a paper cut.
Her truth stings less that way.


When my mother underwent a liver biopsy,
I came home to her standing in the kitchen eating lunch.
She told me that she closed her eyes,
they put her to sleep, and they stuck a hollow needle into her side.
Said she was just a little tired
and that her body ached, but there was nothing to worry about.
That night
she asked me to help her into her king-sized bed.
Her body ached too much to do it by herself.
After seeing her struggle to just lift her body up,
to move,
to even hold my hand,
I found myself struggling to breathe.
Like every breath I took
would feed into the paper cuts her body was storing.
She just kept her eyes closed,
screamed out that she was in so much pain,
but never shed a tear.
I kept reminding myself not to cry in front of her.
That the sound of a sob would just be enough
to wake up the broken body she has called home for years.
To be the strength she has lost and the strength I had grown
To ignore the sound of the shattering heart I had
just pieced back together
To ignore the sting of a million paper cuts slicing my skin
every time she held my hand

"Shush. It's so little. You only feel it now because you can see how broken it is."

Nowadays,
I keep my eyes closed until I'm ready to see the damage.
I don't watch myself bleed anymore.
I hold my breath
and remember that I don't need help to dream
and that I don't need to wake up next to a love letter I never wanted to write
and feel the sting of being torn apart by the hand of the lover I was dealt.

If it's one thing I've learned from my mother's lectures,

It would be the fact that my breath is golden
and that I should only open my eyes to send a lost love
one last sob
and to seal an envelope of the stinging
millions of shattered heart I have left.
but I no longer dare cry over broken hearts
and paper cuts,
I cry because I've let myself become a hollow needle
waiting for someone that didn't want to stick around.

day 102

my wedding/divorce/we may still be together but i still hate you vows:

there are much other important topics to hate
and love
and forget about.

a break up isn't as half bad as it sounds


in all actuality
it is far more worse
it stings like i was always your nectar
sipping your words feeling
somewhat important
like i was keeping you alive
and strong
as i wilt
and grow weaker
and wake up one morning and realize
the dew on my skin was just a sorry excuse
for revival
like a midnight storm could make me feel more alive

day 101

they do not want me to be in love with you anymore
i do not know if i should listen
or fall headfirst with my fists hanging forward
trying to defend myself from all the harm you used to throw at me

i am no longer feeling remorse
or sad
or selfish
i just feel a little more free
happy
simple

day 100

today was spent with smiles
and a lot of happiness
a lot of family
a lot of company
a lot of girl talk
giving
loving
being thoughtful
and feeling blessed
today was spent with naps
and gossip
and hearing about a new love
today was spent with best friends
and blankets
and hugs
more smiles
and a lot more happiness

i am once again finding the beauty
of good company

joy is better when shared