day 258

Missed the last train home
learned the meaning of
            trying to find the home in a city that doesn't know your name
           

I don't think I will ever admit to falling in love with you
It is too close to
            trying to find the home in a city that doesn't know your name

day 257

I don't know how I feel today. I hate being completely wrong about someone. In this case, it's my heart and my sisterhood. 

day 256

I talk about you with so much sadness in my tone. I realize I don't love him because I love you and others like you. I am still scared to accept it, so I bring sadness to myself. I'm not embarrassed of being gay, I'm embarrassed that I am still afraid to admit it. To tell these boys I don't want to kiss them not because I don't like them, because I don't like any of them. Maybe not now. I don't know. I don't know if this is because I still draw hearts around your name and cross bow arrows through my head when I hum your favorite words. Sometimes I stop myself from writing poetry about you and your skin and your kiss and the way you make me feel. Sometimes. Other times, I can't help it. I don't talk to you about it because there's no point. We are not two lovers, in any kind of way. We just kiss occasionally when you decide to come back into my life and I hold you when you come to my shows just because I want you to feel how my body effortlessly gives in to your poison. You are slowly killing me.

I woke up on his skin this morning and I only wished I had shared a shitty mattress with your silky skin. And your soft eyes. And your soft soul.

day 255

I hate how I let you absorb me.

All fingernail and rib cage. I haven't stopped thinking of you, or wishing I had woken up to you. I still wish I could see you all the time. Anywhere. We aren't compatible. We are nowhere close to perfect couples and I know they don't exist, but we are not like them. And we will probably never be like them. They are made of nerve and they sleep with their hair in knots. I wake up with my tongue in knots and I am made of clay. I hate this about myself and I hate that about you.  

day 254

my car is back from the shop.

i emptied out my trunk.
my running sneakers. tennis balls. a blanket.
your trash.
more trash.
more trash.
more trash.
i used to treasure you.
more trash.
more trash.
i broke up with you in my car.
more trash.
one time,
we made love in the backseat of my car.
more trash.
trash.
trash.
trash.
i feel so dirty and sad feeling this way about you.
i emptied out my trunk.
empty.

day 253

if i were to organize my life into three components:

I.
capturing the essence of a conversation. the art in speaking and understanding. communicating. i shy away from lips and mouth and teeth and bone. i fear being scraped. falling. not being able to catch myself. to catch my breath. losing consciousness. this all happens when i get wrapped up in your hair.

II.
inertia. continuing to move. continuing to stay. consistency. refusing to change. accepting to grow.

III.
pornography. not simplified as watching a man build an ego with a pretty woman. more as exposing my fears and what i love. who i love and who i want to love. asking girls on dates. leading boys on. shying away from those who call me gorgeous. call me beautiful. call me pretty and i will put you on a shelf and purposely forget to dust you off. i think about laying down fully clothed  and resting my head on my pillow with someone i favor on the other side of my bed. snoring, softly, sound asleep. thinking of better ways to give me the world. this kind of nakedness.

day 252

II.

I don't understand why I fall so easily for anyone who compliments me. Call me beautiful, call me pretty, call me gorgeous. I will let you know where you stand based on which compliment you think suits me best. The pretties stand in the back of the line, because I know you will just want to see me in your bed in the morning. The beautifuls stand in the middle, because it is most genuine. I keep them at a distance. This is from fear of them coming too close and allowing them to get to know me. The gorgeouses stand in the front of the line. They are the lovers who are not afraid to knock down my walls. I will not allow myself to wake up next to them in the morning. You are keeping your distance as well.