my best friend's words are about me
I find myself
slightly selfish
in the fact that I only write about myself
my dreams
my wants
always my fears
too afraid to share it
too afraid to live it
to live it down
to re live
be in the moment
it is the hardest steps to climb
going backwards
turning around to face your worst enemy
dreaming that someone would find comfort in your nightmare
my best friend's words are about me
he has found the beauty of my nightmares
and surrounded my fear of open space with comfort
with cloud soft words
and
friendship
it happens
it always happens
so maybe perhaps
one day
a new stranger can learn from the pain in my voice
and stop himself from causing nightmares
Wednesday, November 7, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
day 51
HERE
is a new home I am willing to break in.
"setting fire to our insides for fun"
feel the passion
feel it burst the words out of our lungs
it's hot in here
it's burning
it's a touch i will remember
the pain
the struggle to be free of flame
stopping to the drop and roll
listening to the rock and roll in
busy toronto subways
they're all walking without you
you don't need to join them
they don't know your name yet
but you like it this way
you like the freedom to be whoever you choose to be today
you wake up and want to swim
want to fly in new air
breathe it in
be this change
be the love of your own life
this is you
this is your time
this is how hot your flame is
how long it will keep you warm
remember there is life within your chest
and with every song sung
you are revived
day after day after day
you are alive
you are living
you are loving
you are love
to a stranger
to a stranger's smirk
turn stranger's day into heaven
you're there
is a new home I am willing to break in.
"setting fire to our insides for fun"
feel the passion
feel it burst the words out of our lungs
it's hot in here
it's burning
it's a touch i will remember
the pain
the struggle to be free of flame
stopping to the drop and roll
listening to the rock and roll in
busy toronto subways
they're all walking without you
you don't need to join them
they don't know your name yet
but you like it this way
you like the freedom to be whoever you choose to be today
you wake up and want to swim
want to fly in new air
breathe it in
be this change
be the love of your own life
this is you
this is your time
this is how hot your flame is
how long it will keep you warm
remember there is life within your chest
and with every song sung
you are revived
day after day after day
you are alive
you are living
you are loving
you are love
to a stranger
to a stranger's smirk
turn stranger's day into heaven
you're there
Monday, November 5, 2012
day 50
TITLE Settling into a newborn affair
1
if you don't find me sitting
cross legged
across literary legends
I haven't done my job
2
LITERS
KILOMETERS
ROGERS
POUTINE
SIX DIGIT AREA CODES
3 There is a lot for me to learn
a lot for me to see
sightsee
fall in love with vision
fall in love with other perspectives
there are too many point of views
I've played blind mouse to
4
I'm shy
Hopefully this will not ruin my trip
Hoping to find love in other souls
Hope to accept new
and change
and freedom
5
The currency here is so pretty
I will learn to save
Become an artist one with the city culture
Walk around with hands in pockets
while watching lovers become spark givers
6
There is too much fire in me
Not enough cold to dim it down
7
Not enough cold to dim it down
Sunday, November 4, 2012
day 49
So this is it.
Everyone knows
and everyone is proud.
I just hope that I can make a home out of my words.
Dreaming of coming back home a champion,
I just want to be what everyone thinks I can grow to be.
I still have a lot of growing to do.
Everyone knows
and everyone is proud.
I just hope that I can make a home out of my words.
Dreaming of coming back home a champion,
I just want to be what everyone thinks I can grow to be.
I still have a lot of growing to do.
Saturday, November 3, 2012
day 48
TITLE "Tongue kissing with a porcelain god"
*
I saw you at the party last night
You seemed upset with me
Asked
Why didn't you tell me you were going out?
**
I know you really meant
You don't love me as much anymore
Is this true
If this is true
How broken do we have to be
to break each other just a little bit more
Fragile chipped tooth smiles
at the girl next door
I will walk you home to make sure you're sleeping alone tonight
***
You left me at my door step
Watched me fidget key to lock
as I opened up a jail cell
for myself
It is a cruel punishment
To push your lover into a home she does not want to be in
****
Last night
I was
tongue kissing with a porcelain god
All my sober thoughts of you
started to rearrange themselves in order of
sadness
I cried last night
Now I understand why we are so broken
We are too porcelain fragile
and not cautious at all
*
But you never asked me what I was going to do last night
*
I saw you at the party last night
You seemed upset with me
Asked
Why didn't you tell me you were going out?
**
I know you really meant
You don't love me as much anymore
Is this true
If this is true
How broken do we have to be
to break each other just a little bit more
Fragile chipped tooth smiles
at the girl next door
I will walk you home to make sure you're sleeping alone tonight
***
You left me at my door step
Watched me fidget key to lock
as I opened up a jail cell
for myself
It is a cruel punishment
To push your lover into a home she does not want to be in
****
Last night
I was
tongue kissing with a porcelain god
All my sober thoughts of you
started to rearrange themselves in order of
sadness
I cried last night
Now I understand why we are so broken
We are too porcelain fragile
and not cautious at all
*
But you never asked me what I was going to do last night
Friday, November 2, 2012
day 47
Sometimes the days are long
and I only wish to lay with you
Most days
the dogs lay low with me
feeling low
feeling too down to Earth
deep down I just want you to feel me
I whimper at the chances you don't take
I still wait for you to come around
Thursday, November 1, 2012
day 46
Dear Sara,
Today I can officially call myself a college dropout. Well, just for the rest of this semester. I talked to Febo earlier, and he totally understands. I joked around about actually moving to Toronto. He knows I secretly want to. He said that it was okay if I decided to move. I mean, after all, I am only 19. I am learning to love without binding strings, exploring myself, and hopefully I can make a name for myself.
I leave on Monday. Today I wanted to do my laundry and pack, but I ended up getting my period and rolling around in bed after dinner. I had such a horrible headache that I just knocked out. It felt like high school all over again. The uncertainties, the sleepiness, and the dreaming without a cause. I didn't have a dream or anything, though. But it felt really good to just wake up naturally like that. No nightmares or anything.
Of course I ended up not packing or doing laundry. But I did get a new cell phone today! It's the same 978-967-blank blank blank blank number. So you can text me if you ever feel the need to. I don't think we need to actually text/call each other. This whole long distance relationship thing is working out really well. I think we're the only lovers that could actually do this.
Tomorrow/Friday, I am picking up my passport in Boston. How last minute! It has taken so long to actually have it in my hands. It's been a long process, but it hasn't stressed me out at all. I mean, I'm not in school until January, I don't really care about work, I still love him, but we are still in two different worlds nonetheless, I wouldn't mind getting stuck in Canada. It's the nights that kill the most. That's when I really miss Jasper and I just want to cuddle up next to him, but it's better this way. You know? It's just so much more... freeing? And that's all I wanted in the end.
Febo told me to go to a MassLeap workshop on Saturday. It's like a big meeting with MassLeap people and big important poetry people. And this is the first time we'll have it in Lowell. It starts at 1-5pm, but I work at 3pm. Sofia Snow will be there. She's become one of my friends, and she's such a goddess. He told me to have a conversation with her. About anything that is anything. Because she has been through it all, balancing school, work, and relationships, along with her art. He said she would know best.
At the same time, I could hear the same pain in Febo's voice that he shares in his poems. But this was so raw. It was just real. Sofia left love for more opportunities, and she has made a name for herself. I feel like Jasper is my Febo, but I feel a slight hold back. I don't want to completely shut out Jas but I need to. It's really difficult. I need a drink.
Lol jk I'm just kinda dehydrated.
Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful day in school. Also I saw a picture of you and a boy on FB. You were in a beautiful dress and he was in a very cute tailored outfit! The lighting and the smiles were so real and vintage. I call it "Sunday School Love."
I love you, Sara.
Kisses
Today I can officially call myself a college dropout. Well, just for the rest of this semester. I talked to Febo earlier, and he totally understands. I joked around about actually moving to Toronto. He knows I secretly want to. He said that it was okay if I decided to move. I mean, after all, I am only 19. I am learning to love without binding strings, exploring myself, and hopefully I can make a name for myself.
I leave on Monday. Today I wanted to do my laundry and pack, but I ended up getting my period and rolling around in bed after dinner. I had such a horrible headache that I just knocked out. It felt like high school all over again. The uncertainties, the sleepiness, and the dreaming without a cause. I didn't have a dream or anything, though. But it felt really good to just wake up naturally like that. No nightmares or anything.
Of course I ended up not packing or doing laundry. But I did get a new cell phone today! It's the same 978-967-blank blank blank blank number. So you can text me if you ever feel the need to. I don't think we need to actually text/call each other. This whole long distance relationship thing is working out really well. I think we're the only lovers that could actually do this.
Tomorrow/Friday, I am picking up my passport in Boston. How last minute! It has taken so long to actually have it in my hands. It's been a long process, but it hasn't stressed me out at all. I mean, I'm not in school until January, I don't really care about work, I still love him, but we are still in two different worlds nonetheless, I wouldn't mind getting stuck in Canada. It's the nights that kill the most. That's when I really miss Jasper and I just want to cuddle up next to him, but it's better this way. You know? It's just so much more... freeing? And that's all I wanted in the end.
Febo told me to go to a MassLeap workshop on Saturday. It's like a big meeting with MassLeap people and big important poetry people. And this is the first time we'll have it in Lowell. It starts at 1-5pm, but I work at 3pm. Sofia Snow will be there. She's become one of my friends, and she's such a goddess. He told me to have a conversation with her. About anything that is anything. Because she has been through it all, balancing school, work, and relationships, along with her art. He said she would know best.
At the same time, I could hear the same pain in Febo's voice that he shares in his poems. But this was so raw. It was just real. Sofia left love for more opportunities, and she has made a name for herself. I feel like Jasper is my Febo, but I feel a slight hold back. I don't want to completely shut out Jas but I need to. It's really difficult. I need a drink.
Lol jk I'm just kinda dehydrated.
Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful day in school. Also I saw a picture of you and a boy on FB. You were in a beautiful dress and he was in a very cute tailored outfit! The lighting and the smiles were so real and vintage. I call it "Sunday School Love."
I love you, Sara.
Kisses
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