day 10

my boyfriend loves me////




He convinces me to not be sad
but sometimes
you can't take the sad out of the girl

The sadness is just there

and I fell in love with it
before I fell in love with you

it is the place mat
before my welcoming heart
careful to step on sadness
not to leave your tracks there
it remembers your shoe size
and all of your footsteps

before entering a warm home
it is waiting there
for any soldier to knock down the door
invade some privacy
try to fall in love with me
then just leave
from disappointed

I did not ask to be born sad
or to fall in love with sadness
or to just find my soul mate
when i learned about heart beats
or foot steps
or even realized that i had a soul
and the ability to love
and to love many

my boyfriend loves me
some times I call him my fiance
because we are ready to marry
but sometimes we are not
because the sadness takes over my heart strings
leaves me to play puppeteer with every one's feelings

it's not what i wanted
it is just how i am


...
sadness is a blessing

day 9

Today is a day I realize that I am unhappy.

My life is not happy today.
c h a n g e
a few things to
change the heavy heart into
w e i g h t l e s s n e s s

I. switch out of my math class

my anxiety will not allow me to be in that class anymore

II. save money
so i can get on a big jet plane
and fly away

III. drop out of college (probably not, maybe, maybe just take a break)

IV. complete
all
of
my
unfinished
projects

V. figure out how to live in the city
somewhere
alone

VI. write more poetry

write more good poetry

VII. go for an amazingly long run
it's cold outside
it'll be good for me

VIII. eat more
at home

IX. produce my first song

X. go home today
and kiss my mommy

XI. make time for people who love me

XII. accept that I am a sad person

XIII. drop out of college

XIV. cry

day 8

"good vibes, love & all that jazz" pt. 1

--
nowadays
and yesterday

we are bundled in long socks and
head scarves
scrimmaging through defense mechanisms

often forgetting that our protection
is only a few eye stares away

from the warm smiles of
distant strangers
to the helping hand of a
new friend

this will all make the world better

we will all heal
one day at a time
but together
nonetheless

day 7

Today I went to the mall with bold red lipstick on.

Strangers were not shy at gawking at me
or just
straight up
punching me in the face with their eyes

some people are so afraid
so close minded
and tiny

I don't understand why red lipstick is
forbidden
is a sin? almost
I don't understand why I felt so sad
and lonely

Everyone tells you to express yourself
nobody tells you of how bad a stranger's judgement can affect you.



but it's okay

I was born courageous

day 6

1.
i need my art


2. I feel too much
and i am sad too often
I believe these are the effects of jealousy

3. I am too jealous as a person.

It is my worst flaw
following my dry humor
and horrible coordination

4. Sometimes
I feel like I'm trying too hard
to be the writer I want to be

maybe I am just stuck here
because this is the highest I'll ever reach

tonight I am feeling a lot

day 5

Fact:
There's nothing better than new guitar strings


I watch him as he tends to his baby.

It makes me happy
almost sentimental
to see a man love something so much

***
5 years ago
I watched you grow
lost to found to lost to found to
now
maybe lost in the sound of your own
voice
lost in amazement at how
quick your soul can find its presence
this is a gift in itself

to watch a man love something so much
to only see the love grow
to only feel the warmth in a soul
maybe he has found his way to accompaniment
or is still lost in the paths he could take



wherever you go
i go

love, love

day 4

call & response:

" I threw up after it ended, I was nervous the whole time. It made me look at myself as an artist. Its like I should be so much better. I mean, with all the things I've seen I should go hard with it. I dont even know why I'm doing poetry in the first place. Like I need to go on a spiritual journey or something. Maybe I'm just missing something."


To my poets
singers
dancers
writers
actors
runners
musicians
lovers
daughters
sons
friends
learners
teachers
dreamers
chasers


whoever you are
whether you have found your passion
or you are still drowning
whether you are swimming
but have forgotten why you like the sea

remember
that this journey began on a good note
for a reason no one will ever know but yourself
because it is worth it
remember
that there are only a few bumps in the road
but it should never be a reason to rip off the tires
and forget how to drive
or
forget your drive
or
forget why you like to sing
why you go to bed at night
dreaming of being on stages
taming the demons in your chest
the lions left in tangled knots of hair
in hair brushes
remember
there is a story to be told
there are words left to preach
remember everyone is listening
even when they are not
there is a mouse waiting for you to speak
to distract his enemies
we are all counting on you to save us
we are all waiting for you to be the hero
to save the village from disaster
we need your melodies
your strength
your inspiration
we need you to be the best you can be
even if it wasn't your best performance
we need you to love yourself
to tell us we can love ourselves
to remind us that we can all love
and be lovable

we are all lost sometimes
lost in clouds of inspiration
brain storm the best ways to dream high
to stay there
never let yourself fall out of your comfort zone
we need your beauty
the pretty pin point of a skinny comeback
we need the whole sacrifice