day 106

recap

i turned nineteen
and got onto a plane
to Toronto

i learned a lot about myself

i am very bad at saving money

i have made many mistakes
hurt many people
broken a few hearts
and lost mercy for my own

i dropped out of college
kinda
yea

late 2012 was really rough

my passion grew
that is all that matters
and all that i want to remember about this year

day 105

I woke up today still hating you.
Still wishing you'd reach out to me
I tried to get myself to cry over you last night,
but I don't have any energy left in me
No more emotion
I've just become hollowed out
waiting for you to pass by me and realize you're empty too

I'm afraid that we will both remain empty if we decide to become whole again
I am terrified in the truth of falling out of love
At this point, I do not need advice or a lover to mend my heart
I just need time to realize you are not what I set you up to be

I am not disappointed
Just a little bitter and a little hurt.

day 104

you smell like cigarettes and a cheap thrill

Today
I put on your sweater
I smelled like cigarettes for hours
I didn't care

I still don't want to worry

I still don't know what we want

day 103

My mother always told me to never cry over two things:

Broken hearts
and paper cuts

She would always say,
"Shush. It's so little. You only feel it now because you can see how broken it is."

When my boyfriend broke up with me,
she told me how dumb I looked for crying over a boy
I wasn't even married to.
She then continued to lecture me about how the only man she's ever cried over
was the poor excuse I had for a father.
Said,
"Three children and millions of affairs later,
I had no choice.
He was just a paper cut I ignored for years and
years and kept giving my treasure of a breath to.
I didn't cry because my heart was broken
or because I didn't send him a love letter
enveloped by disappointment,
I cried because I had become a hollow needle
waiting for someone that didn't want to stick around."

To this day,
every time I get my heart broken,
I just tell her I got a paper cut.
Her truth stings less that way.


When my mother underwent a liver biopsy,
I came home to her standing in the kitchen eating lunch.
She told me that she closed her eyes,
they put her to sleep, and they stuck a hollow needle into her side.
Said she was just a little tired
and that her body ached, but there was nothing to worry about.
That night
she asked me to help her into her king-sized bed.
Her body ached too much to do it by herself.
After seeing her struggle to just lift her body up,
to move,
to even hold my hand,
I found myself struggling to breathe.
Like every breath I took
would feed into the paper cuts her body was storing.
She just kept her eyes closed,
screamed out that she was in so much pain,
but never shed a tear.
I kept reminding myself not to cry in front of her.
That the sound of a sob would just be enough
to wake up the broken body she has called home for years.
To be the strength she has lost and the strength I had grown
To ignore the sound of the shattering heart I had
just pieced back together
To ignore the sting of a million paper cuts slicing my skin
every time she held my hand

"Shush. It's so little. You only feel it now because you can see how broken it is."

Nowadays,
I keep my eyes closed until I'm ready to see the damage.
I don't watch myself bleed anymore.
I hold my breath
and remember that I don't need help to dream
and that I don't need to wake up next to a love letter I never wanted to write
and feel the sting of being torn apart by the hand of the lover I was dealt.

If it's one thing I've learned from my mother's lectures,

It would be the fact that my breath is golden
and that I should only open my eyes to send a lost love
one last sob
and to seal an envelope of the stinging
millions of shattered heart I have left.
but I no longer dare cry over broken hearts
and paper cuts,
I cry because I've let myself become a hollow needle
waiting for someone that didn't want to stick around.

day 102

my wedding/divorce/we may still be together but i still hate you vows:

there are much other important topics to hate
and love
and forget about.

a break up isn't as half bad as it sounds


in all actuality
it is far more worse
it stings like i was always your nectar
sipping your words feeling
somewhat important
like i was keeping you alive
and strong
as i wilt
and grow weaker
and wake up one morning and realize
the dew on my skin was just a sorry excuse
for revival
like a midnight storm could make me feel more alive

day 101

they do not want me to be in love with you anymore
i do not know if i should listen
or fall headfirst with my fists hanging forward
trying to defend myself from all the harm you used to throw at me

i am no longer feeling remorse
or sad
or selfish
i just feel a little more free
happy
simple

day 100

today was spent with smiles
and a lot of happiness
a lot of family
a lot of company
a lot of girl talk
giving
loving
being thoughtful
and feeling blessed
today was spent with naps
and gossip
and hearing about a new love
today was spent with best friends
and blankets
and hugs
more smiles
and a lot more happiness

i am once again finding the beauty
of good company

joy is better when shared

day 99

today
i recieved a letter from
a university in New York that I had previously applied to

I decided not to attend

they are giving me another chance

I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore
this poem will be finished when i figure out my happy ending

day 98

we are not supposed to be together anymore
my mother forbids me

do i really want to love someone who will just tear me down
over and over and over and over again?



no

but do i believe that only evil will sprout from the seeds we have planted?

no

day 97

you are twenty today
i don't think i can list twenty reasons why i still love you anymore
and i don't think that i owe you that

i just wish i could have a better explanation to why we have fallen out of love
out of touch
out of warmth
out of time
out of youth

day 96

if the world ends today
I don't want you to tell me you love me
or that you are sorry
or that you are hurting
or that you wish we could have gone about differently

lately
my veins have been playing dead
trying to find a pulse in my body
keeping myself warm and worrying
that somehow we might all just combust
or explode
or just catch on fire
like swallowing too much alcohol
to fall down on soft floors
and wanting to fall asleep
and wanting to wake up alive
in love
and living
promising that we are not hurt anymore
we just want to pretend we can die together
in peace
but in pieces
realizing our pulses are becoming extremely distant
and i can't feel your soul jumping out of your skin anymore

day 95

I miss all our late night jam sessions in cold empty parking lots. it's beautiful to realize how much we all can feel. and so strongly, too, about anything, anyone, at any time. the quiet nights I spend alone in my car before stepping foot into the cold just reminds me of how much I have let go and how much I am trying to grow and feel and realize that I feel so differently. everything is just so cold now and the warmth we all want is somewhere in an empty parking lot. this will be okay in all the right places once we learn how to feel again. 

day 94

your lack of consistency is digging up a home to lay in
something low with the dog bones and dirty rags
you wear mud on your feet like you want me to follow your footsteps

***
Fuck bad *internet* connection

day 93

Every time I think of a busy subway
I miss my old home back in Toronto
My days of getting lost and feeling okay
And the urge in my body to just get out and let the bones in my toes drag me to where I'm supposed to be

This sense of freedom and getting lost and being nauseous and being broke, dirty, tired, and hungry
All those senses in one little heart
I miss being an artist

Nowadays
When I picture a crowded subway
I just get motion sickness
with a lot of disappointment and confusion and a lot more sadness
I've been spinning around trying to figure out who I can be for so long...
I've lost control of who I actually am

day 92

I am trying to compose the perfect poem
of two lovers falling spiral head over heels out of love
I am thinking too much

I just want to write something strong enough to pull us back together
We've been playing with hearts of gravity for years now
Each pulse sinking deeper
Falling harder
Sometimes I just want to lay weightless again
Two feathers intertwined and braided into the lost strands of hair left in each other's pillow cases

I still keep your outline in my sheets
Sometimes I try to convince myself we can somehow be comfortable without each other

My heart sinks every time I want a stranger to sleep in the mold you have left behind

day 91

drunk off of cheap wine
I always only want to only be in your own arms
Just drunk off a cheap high
it is so easy to reach happiness when I'm with you.

Not sure if I'll regret feeling so in love in the morning

I don't want to kill what hasn't entirely died out

day 90

I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love

day 89

I hung out with my ex boyfriend tonight.
We got dinner I guess and walked around a crowded mall.

I could only think about the one I am still so passionately in love with
and remember how in love I used to be with this ex boyfriend
and how I am not in love with him anymore
It's only been two years since our high school sweetheart affair
but the feelings are gone

I remember him telling me during our break up
how he wanted to have a car
and a great job
and good grades
to treat me out and just have fun
no parents telling us what to do
just two good kids being young and in love

and tonight
we did exactly that

he drove me around in his car
he bought me dinner
everything was everything I know I deserve

but I'm not in love with him
and I thought I was in love with the idea of being treated like a queen
but I can't help but miss being dirt poor
but being so in love and so happy poor

if only everything could just stay simple all the time

...

day 88

i'm only trying to re discover myself
i don't think i am the same girl
the same
seventeen year old

seventeen is trying to catch up with me
i am trying so desperately to leave it in the past
it's depressing to realize you have to grow up
and watch what you say
and watch what you wear
and watch what you do
everything just catches up to you eventually
sometimes i just want the results
mailed to me
overnight
without the extra luggage
i am desperately wanting to catch up
to the dreams i once had for myself
lately seventeen is just a dream

lately seventeen is so far away

lately i just can't wait to be seventeen

day 87

(Thing are coming together)

bodies feeling whole after a few bad arguments,
horrible posture, and
a lot of betrayal

my lips have not learned the dance of an eager friend
you've learned a dance you don't feel like performing anymore

but it will be over soon
things are coming together
slowly

day 86

I keep myself busy all day to avoid thinking about you

I am still finding myself dreaming about us

No more nightmares
Just daydreams

day 85

i kissed you today
i like the feeling of being grabbed by the waist
because i am tiny
but i love like a giant
i need to stop loving you like i do
you don't believe me anymore

you don't want to believe me

i don't want to fit so easily in the palms of your hands
they're calloused from all the cleaning up of shattered hearts
millions of pieces
all of them crying for you to leave them where you left them

they don't like fitting so easily into the palms of your hands
it confuses them
like they're supposed to be a part of you

day 84

Decluttering my room
and my rib cages
and I am finding dead butterfly carcasses
and secret lovers
and a lot of friendship
and I light a lot of candles
I let the hot wick swim in its own tears
Until the jello of a goodbye hits me hard
Realize the scent of a temporary comfort is leaving me
Drifting towards ceiling panels and leaving smoke as an exit
No where close to an open window
Just a couple of lungs
and they're drowning themselves in their own tears
Until the jello of their goodbyes can't stand to take a breath anymore
And everything in your rib cages turn into the ash of the butterfly carcasses
You see
I burn candles for a temporary comfort
and I am trying to seek company in the open space of the room
in my rib cages

After letting go and throwing out the butterfly carcasses
you are left with just ash in your lungs
and when you lay yourself to bed
your exhales will set the ceiling panels on fire
and the sore spots behind your eyelashes will scotch a certain scar into your dreams
and you will remember how badly you wanted to breathe while your feet buried themselves in the ashes of mellow goodbyes

***
don't you remember that butterflies taste with their feet?

day 83

day 4

I never threw out the flowers you gave me two months ago. Everyone must think I'm crazy for thinking dead flowers are beautiful.
The fact that something so alive can peacefully preserve itself is so simple and lovely.

I don't know how I feel today. I had the strength to tell friends who asked about us that we are no longer together. But there is no anger or bitterness in my voice. Just a little sadness, but it makes me feel kept together.

*edit*
I placed one of the dead flowers into a mason jar of water. As I sip jasmine tea alone and attempt to clean my room, I realize that the water has formed tiny air bubbles.

Even once dead, there is still an ounce of gasp for air. Somewhere within my body, this is true.

day 82

I am still finding myself wanting to meet new guys. I've been under close watch of my best friend. I bring her everywhere.
Last night we were supposed to attend an art reception. I thought maybe my hopeless romantic self would find love in an art gallery. I mean, two artists surrounded by beauty is just a masterpiece.
Of course this didn't go as planned. The night was horrible and cold and lost and it was basically my love life in a nutshell.
I guess love isn't for me right now. This is okay. I am slowly accepting my independence. Something I've always dreamed of.

I read that Virgos love hard and their feelings die slowly, but once they are gone, they are gone. I believe this is true. I have fallen in love twice. Although I am still friends with my snowflake of a melted relationship, I am not in love with him anymore. I love him, yes, and I care about him and his future a lot. I believe this is true love. He is off to a co-op job next semester in North Carolina for six months. He is finally getting his own independence and this is so symbolic to me. I remember being so bitter that he left me to follow his education and find himself. Now seeing him reach his goals one by one, I am so inspired and thankful to still be good friends with the guy. Perfect timing for everything.
I thought about falling in love with him again, but everything just doesn't feel right and it would be just weird. He is just a friend now. And it's okay. It's gonna be okay.

The second person I've ever fell in love with, is the boy I am currently leaving behind to follow my own dreams and goals. I am feeling more than ever to inspire and I am once again allowing myself to fall in love with beauty and be inspired. Although love and a relationship is not in the picture right now, it's okay. I am going to buy myself some flowers, get rid of old clothing and notebooks, and just feel simple again.

I am still finding myself to be... beautiful. And I am currently accepting that I don't need other people to tell me I am. I know I am. Everything about me is beautiful. My soul is so golden and the love I can give is a gift.

day 81

two things I've learned from a broken heart: 

1) hearts shatter all the time. you will never truly be alone. the arms of a sister, blood or water, will always hold and mold you back to sanity. 2) you are still as beautiful, wonderful, and lovable as you were whole. embracing the sadness makes you a whole lot stronger and a lot more beautiful. don't succumb to a bitter heart. just be happy for the love you were able to give and receive.

day 80

post break up rant day one

/ i haven't cried all day. teared up a few times but really i'm trying
/ i'm still trying
/ i told you that i didn't want to get back with you
/ you can't break me anymore...
/ i'm trying to rebuild myself

I'm still trying...

day 79

i am strong enough to admit that i am a passionate human being
i am able to make mistakes and feel bitter
i am able to be the best lover i can be with guidance, trust, and help
i cannot allow myself to feel so low everyday
to give up my dreams and to settle for a half assed lover who carries the weight of his world half slumped onto my shoulders

He doesn't believe that I can be capable of swallowing pride and molding myself into his own version of a half assed lover
With sore palms and stretched out arms, I have grown tired too
And very sad
Very lost and very uninspired
Very uncared for and very much left to fend for myself

I've spent so much time emotion wealth and health trying to make a better man out of you
And your way of thanking me is to let me go
And call it quits
And say that this is finally over and you're finally over me
And now I want to be able to love myself fully
And stop lying to myself
And stop feeling so sad
So god damn sad...

day 78

aching
aches
fake ache
I want to make
something sweet
out of this
pain

day 77

at this point in my career.. in my life,
i just want to know who i love
why i love so passionately
why i choose to love those that don't love me
why i choose to love for benefit
and why i choose to not see the beauty in everything

remember when you used to think everything was beautiful
how beautiful of a girl that made you
stick and stone and broken beautiful
you made a name and a home and a heart out of frozen cold

now what i love is lost
and what i want to love is too hard to fix
and everything is broken and shattered
and loud
and nothing feels right again
nothing feels
nothing makes me feel down enough to write

i don't want to tell my stories
if i don't want to tell them anymore
if they're old news
if i already told my mother i dropped out of architecture school
if she already accepts me
if i am doing absolutely nothing with my life right now
if i still bleed red and love and much more blood than splitting foreign tongue
that i want to move to Toronto
that i think it would be good for me
that i am just looking for an excuse to not half heartedly try to fall in love everyday anymore
that i am just so tired

of finding love and beauty from someone else's touch

i've lost the beauty
i used to call it mine
and hold it high
and hold it so close to me
i don't know myself anymore

day 76

come on skinny love just last a year
pour a lil salt
we were never here ere ere
my my my
my my my my my

staring at the sink of blood
and crushed veneer
***

I can't take this anymore.