day 77

at this point in my career.. in my life,
i just want to know who i love
why i love so passionately
why i choose to love those that don't love me
why i choose to love for benefit
and why i choose to not see the beauty in everything

remember when you used to think everything was beautiful
how beautiful of a girl that made you
stick and stone and broken beautiful
you made a name and a home and a heart out of frozen cold

now what i love is lost
and what i want to love is too hard to fix
and everything is broken and shattered
and loud
and nothing feels right again
nothing feels
nothing makes me feel down enough to write

i don't want to tell my stories
if i don't want to tell them anymore
if they're old news
if i already told my mother i dropped out of architecture school
if she already accepts me
if i am doing absolutely nothing with my life right now
if i still bleed red and love and much more blood than splitting foreign tongue
that i want to move to Toronto
that i think it would be good for me
that i am just looking for an excuse to not half heartedly try to fall in love everyday anymore
that i am just so tired

of finding love and beauty from someone else's touch

i've lost the beauty
i used to call it mine
and hold it high
and hold it so close to me
i don't know myself anymore