day 288

mum's still friends with my abuser's mother

I wonder if she thinks any differently about her after I've confessed

mum came home from grilling steak and veggie kabobs

families grill on hot summer Sundays

felt very distant from mum today

I wonder if she thinks I think any differently about her 

I'm not as angry as I should be

just a little sad

sometimes I think maybe this wouldn't have happened if dad were alive

Oops

but he is alive

more like dead beat for the past twenty years

dad doesn't know my sister's birthday

he tells me he's sad because she ignores him

I wonder if he knows the difference between ignore and neglect

abandonment

day 287

1 

Sippin fourties and going to horribly humid bad punk shows must be the bane of my existence. Why can't we all just be friends? Bring a boy to another boy's invitation and hold my breath for the tension. Passive aggressiveness must be one heck of a disease.

2

Summer time heat forces me to do my duties in the sun in tank tops and lace brassieres. Boy number one gets caught staring at my cleavage. Boy number two catches boy number one and the immature passive aggressiveness begins all over again.

3

Step out of my car in jeans and a tank top. Childhood friends whisper to themselves, damn, when did she get those?

4

Sippin coronas across the street. I friendzone myself. These girls cant hold a conversation without grabbing someone's dick. I drink to that. My friends like girls that are racy and kinda dumb. All over the place. I wear a bra to prevent that. 

day 286

White men only dance with me because they've dreamt of this moment

Asian woman hand in hand

Keep me at home to clean a household

Mold me into incense candle and Buddha statue

The suburban white woman did not want to sit next to me on the subway

You could almost smell the fear on her skin

Please don't sit near

She moved over

I don't understand why my skin is a controversy

Mum uses skin lightening soap

It's made of tamarinds

 I used to eat tamarind candies and hope to lose my teeth

White man makes love to me

or wants to.

I'm sure it is because I am what dreams are made of.

Signed, Asian wife.

day 285

choreography for bees
part one

mum calls me baby
i smile with bastard child etched on my skin
sometimes i don't bleed
most of the time i try not to

daddy got sick of his little girl
sent me away to wherever i wanted to be
no discipline for an 8yr old with no discipline
you tell me it's hard to love someone who does not listen

big mouth betty,
i've always given myself that nickname
dump the ashes on my dumb tongue
i forget why i wanted to speak to you

dad has rotten teeth
from sweet talking every woman besides mum
cheating is in my blood,
i tell that to my assigned SAT teacher

2200 on my SATs
not sure how i got that high
my friends ask me to smoke a joint with them
i bluntly tell them to stop asking me

2200 is 10pm
i dated my Marine friend to break up with my ex boyfriend
i broke up with my friend at 2200
i'm single

i've been friendzoned via text message
the buzz is a pest
Budapest is the capital of Hungary
i stomach my own tongue and choke on bad pronunciation

mum calls me bee
my family calls me baby
it's an anglicized version of Kabee
it's my own Khmer nickname

sometimes when mum gets mad
instead of screaming, PRINCESS MOON CHAN
she will scream KABEE
and it will ring like the tether of a metal bat against my head

i wasn't a child of domestic abuse
my parents believed in spanking
they must have practiced during conception
just a lot of hitting and violent kissing

i don't know how i ended up letting myself become so dirty
i never bothered learning how to scrub bastard child off my back
i let it burn in me
flick a convenience store matchbook onto my hands

no trail of evidence for this trial and error
click here for a free trial of being my girlfriend
or my boyfriend. or just a friend.
those don't exist. friends. just friends.

my middle name is moon
some people still think it's Maria
imagine the buzzing of name calling in your ear
it rings and rings and rings like cyber bullying

i am shy and i lie a lot
i scare myself into thinking i am somewhat schizophrenic
h y p o c h o n d r i a c
diagnosing myself with mild abandonment issues

don't leave me lonely for too long
loneliness feeds my ego
i begin to feel too lovely
love birds are not doves or swans or hummingbirds

love birds fuck up the maps to your mum and dad's honeymoon
they dance so you can smell the shit on your precious flowers
teach me how to dance, honey
bee

day 284

I drive a 1997 Toyota Avalon. My mother bought this car when we moved to Lowell. I remember driving to our new apartment when I was four. When my older sister got her license, she was in between jobs and high school. She was kinda like my father and my mother's husband. When my brother got his license, he worked at the grocery store down the street as a manager. Our father bought him a Volkswagen Passat in deep navy blue. One time my brother walked to the thrift store about three blocks away from our new home. We moved into this home when I was in second grade, in 2002. My brother came home with a bunch of hand me down sweaters and shirts. My mother thought it was cute. I felt sad because I always wore my sister's hand me downs and my sister was kinda like my father, but she didn't have any handle downs for my brother. When I was in high school, my brother enlisted into the Air Force. I thought it was cool. He didn't tell my mother and I wasn't allowed to tell her either. When my brother told my mother that he wanted to fly, my mother cried because she didn't want to make another angel out of her son. Our older brother died before we were both born. He was reincarnated into a painting. One time my mother swore the painting spoke and it was my older brother. Sometimes my mother thinks my brother is the reincarnate of our older brother. I think that's why he's the favorite child. Maybe it has something to do with the absence of men in our lives. My brother doesn't fly planes. He's a linguist. Maybe he is learning to speak to my mother in different tongue. Maybe it's a trick to make her feel like there is more than one man in our home. 

day 283

a list of what has ruined my past relationships, spring flings, summer loves, autumn falls, and winter warmths:

Infidelity

Bad sex

Bad morning breath

Eagerness

Not being ready

Too hot

Not enough arms

Bad mattresses

Loneliness

Suffocation

Bad boys

Being gay

Jealousy

Bitterness

Absence of heat

Of light

Of love

Wanting too much

Having to lower standards

Wanting too little

Fate

day 282

1.

I've waited three months to see The Purge. We saw the 9:40 screening in big comfy chairs.

2.

The neighbors were fueled by jealousy. 

3.

On the drive home, two cars tried to race us. You were unbothered. You are used to it. If the purge happened, we would be screwed. 

4.

This means that I am contemplating a future with you.