day 285

choreography for bees
part one

mum calls me baby
i smile with bastard child etched on my skin
sometimes i don't bleed
most of the time i try not to

daddy got sick of his little girl
sent me away to wherever i wanted to be
no discipline for an 8yr old with no discipline
you tell me it's hard to love someone who does not listen

big mouth betty,
i've always given myself that nickname
dump the ashes on my dumb tongue
i forget why i wanted to speak to you

dad has rotten teeth
from sweet talking every woman besides mum
cheating is in my blood,
i tell that to my assigned SAT teacher

2200 on my SATs
not sure how i got that high
my friends ask me to smoke a joint with them
i bluntly tell them to stop asking me

2200 is 10pm
i dated my Marine friend to break up with my ex boyfriend
i broke up with my friend at 2200
i'm single

i've been friendzoned via text message
the buzz is a pest
Budapest is the capital of Hungary
i stomach my own tongue and choke on bad pronunciation

mum calls me bee
my family calls me baby
it's an anglicized version of Kabee
it's my own Khmer nickname

sometimes when mum gets mad
instead of screaming, PRINCESS MOON CHAN
she will scream KABEE
and it will ring like the tether of a metal bat against my head

i wasn't a child of domestic abuse
my parents believed in spanking
they must have practiced during conception
just a lot of hitting and violent kissing

i don't know how i ended up letting myself become so dirty
i never bothered learning how to scrub bastard child off my back
i let it burn in me
flick a convenience store matchbook onto my hands

no trail of evidence for this trial and error
click here for a free trial of being my girlfriend
or my boyfriend. or just a friend.
those don't exist. friends. just friends.

my middle name is moon
some people still think it's Maria
imagine the buzzing of name calling in your ear
it rings and rings and rings like cyber bullying

i am shy and i lie a lot
i scare myself into thinking i am somewhat schizophrenic
h y p o c h o n d r i a c
diagnosing myself with mild abandonment issues

don't leave me lonely for too long
loneliness feeds my ego
i begin to feel too lovely
love birds are not doves or swans or hummingbirds

love birds fuck up the maps to your mum and dad's honeymoon
they dance so you can smell the shit on your precious flowers
teach me how to dance, honey
bee