day 263

The E! News exclusive interview on my experience so far in heaven:

Heaven is everything I've expected. They feed you well up here. It's taken awhile because everyone is needy, but I've finally gotten what I've wanted. The love of my mother, the humor from my siblings, my evil devil pup, air conditioning, hot showers, a beach, sunscreen, an iPod with infinite life, and a personal chef. 

My chef cooks for me all the time. That's all that really matters. And he has everything that he wants, too. A happy chef is a happy me. Yesterday, he grilled steak. Today he will be grilling hot dogs. I love hot dogs. With mustard, relish, ketchup, everything. Everything. Especially onions. Tomorrow he will be grilling burgers. I just need cheese and a bunch of onions.

Onions are obviously my favorite food-- err-- condiment? Whatever. I just seriously love onions. I can eat them with anything. I don't really care about the onion breath. I don't really get onion breath anyway. I mean...that's obviously how I got famous, remember?

Wait, what do you mean there are no onions in heaven?

....Do you even know who I am?

....oh goodness...

Let's not air this interview, please. *hair flip*