day 82

I am still finding myself wanting to meet new guys. I've been under close watch of my best friend. I bring her everywhere.
Last night we were supposed to attend an art reception. I thought maybe my hopeless romantic self would find love in an art gallery. I mean, two artists surrounded by beauty is just a masterpiece.
Of course this didn't go as planned. The night was horrible and cold and lost and it was basically my love life in a nutshell.
I guess love isn't for me right now. This is okay. I am slowly accepting my independence. Something I've always dreamed of.

I read that Virgos love hard and their feelings die slowly, but once they are gone, they are gone. I believe this is true. I have fallen in love twice. Although I am still friends with my snowflake of a melted relationship, I am not in love with him anymore. I love him, yes, and I care about him and his future a lot. I believe this is true love. He is off to a co-op job next semester in North Carolina for six months. He is finally getting his own independence and this is so symbolic to me. I remember being so bitter that he left me to follow his education and find himself. Now seeing him reach his goals one by one, I am so inspired and thankful to still be good friends with the guy. Perfect timing for everything.
I thought about falling in love with him again, but everything just doesn't feel right and it would be just weird. He is just a friend now. And it's okay. It's gonna be okay.

The second person I've ever fell in love with, is the boy I am currently leaving behind to follow my own dreams and goals. I am feeling more than ever to inspire and I am once again allowing myself to fall in love with beauty and be inspired. Although love and a relationship is not in the picture right now, it's okay. I am going to buy myself some flowers, get rid of old clothing and notebooks, and just feel simple again.

I am still finding myself to be... beautiful. And I am currently accepting that I don't need other people to tell me I am. I know I am. Everything about me is beautiful. My soul is so golden and the love I can give is a gift.

day 81

two things I've learned from a broken heart: 

1) hearts shatter all the time. you will never truly be alone. the arms of a sister, blood or water, will always hold and mold you back to sanity. 2) you are still as beautiful, wonderful, and lovable as you were whole. embracing the sadness makes you a whole lot stronger and a lot more beautiful. don't succumb to a bitter heart. just be happy for the love you were able to give and receive.

day 80

post break up rant day one

/ i haven't cried all day. teared up a few times but really i'm trying
/ i'm still trying
/ i told you that i didn't want to get back with you
/ you can't break me anymore...
/ i'm trying to rebuild myself

I'm still trying...

day 79

i am strong enough to admit that i am a passionate human being
i am able to make mistakes and feel bitter
i am able to be the best lover i can be with guidance, trust, and help
i cannot allow myself to feel so low everyday
to give up my dreams and to settle for a half assed lover who carries the weight of his world half slumped onto my shoulders

He doesn't believe that I can be capable of swallowing pride and molding myself into his own version of a half assed lover
With sore palms and stretched out arms, I have grown tired too
And very sad
Very lost and very uninspired
Very uncared for and very much left to fend for myself

I've spent so much time emotion wealth and health trying to make a better man out of you
And your way of thanking me is to let me go
And call it quits
And say that this is finally over and you're finally over me
And now I want to be able to love myself fully
And stop lying to myself
And stop feeling so sad
So god damn sad...

day 78

aching
aches
fake ache
I want to make
something sweet
out of this
pain

day 77

at this point in my career.. in my life,
i just want to know who i love
why i love so passionately
why i choose to love those that don't love me
why i choose to love for benefit
and why i choose to not see the beauty in everything

remember when you used to think everything was beautiful
how beautiful of a girl that made you
stick and stone and broken beautiful
you made a name and a home and a heart out of frozen cold

now what i love is lost
and what i want to love is too hard to fix
and everything is broken and shattered
and loud
and nothing feels right again
nothing feels
nothing makes me feel down enough to write

i don't want to tell my stories
if i don't want to tell them anymore
if they're old news
if i already told my mother i dropped out of architecture school
if she already accepts me
if i am doing absolutely nothing with my life right now
if i still bleed red and love and much more blood than splitting foreign tongue
that i want to move to Toronto
that i think it would be good for me
that i am just looking for an excuse to not half heartedly try to fall in love everyday anymore
that i am just so tired

of finding love and beauty from someone else's touch

i've lost the beauty
i used to call it mine
and hold it high
and hold it so close to me
i don't know myself anymore

day 76

come on skinny love just last a year
pour a lil salt
we were never here ere ere
my my my
my my my my my

staring at the sink of blood
and crushed veneer
***

I can't take this anymore.