day 45

You can never be too sure of what you really want.
In the end,
I am sleeping in a past lover's arms like this is how it should have been all along.
The broken roads allow you to fall right back into love.
But will I still want this when I awake?
I can only dream

day 44

What pretty silhouettes, right? It's crazy how something so delicate can mean so much to you. While everything is a few days wilted, beginning to show weakness, we can still allow ourselves to find beauty in such a breakdown. Today I am still slightly broken, but I am happier. Although something that used to mean so much to me is starting to disappear, there is still a lot to be happy about. You can smile now.

day 43

(I am so humbled and excited every time I check my blog stats. 100+ reads a day is insanely flattering. I am so happy that you are taking your time out to read what I am thinking, feeling, loving. I wish to know your name, your favorite color, and your favorite book...please comment if you wish to not remain anonymous. If not, I sincerely appreciate your time and love. Please continue to support me. It's the kind souls like you that get me through my days with a warm heart.)

TITLE "strangers settling into broken homes

together"

there is nothing left to kiss you with

a mouth

and a few broken teeth

yellowed and vintage from all the old school music we recite

smoking a few filtered cigarettes

I am sitting in the back of my car

throwing ash through windows and winds

I remember that ghosts still walk by

I can't see anything

just remember

and respect

and pray that I will save a life before I take mine

 One day

 it won't be so difficult to swallow

 with strep throat coated stomachs

 

 the truth is just like that

 it feels like dancing with your mouth open

 no words or melodies

 just a harmony

 two feet between bodies

 keeping asses and breasts to one self

 and hands to hands 

 touching palms like we all want to tell each other's futures

I am not a fortune teller

cannot remember the last time I knew what I wanted for myself

I do not see what you want me to feel

some days feel heavier than others

i just want to run some days

not holding hands with anyone

just in my pockets, maybe

maybe trying to get a grasp on the air beneath my wings

flying

dreaming of the mist and the fog

getting lost in it

just for an excuse to stay home

i have wasted a part of my youth

being so confused

but i can't help myself

if I honestly don't know the answers I need

nothingness

beautiful nonetheless

day 42

I spend my nights alone now.
I am convinced that in time, I will adjust and eventually feel better about this.

A week is not enough time to let a heart heal.

I will fall asleep listening to one of my favorite bands, The XX.

I went to their concert the other night. It was such a beautiful concert. So beautiful.
I kept wanting to cry.

I kept being reminded of how much you would have loved it. How we would be so close, in your arms, swaying so gently, feeling so broken and so in love together.
But I was alone. With my friends, yes, with a huge crowd of strangers who love something like I do, yes, but still alone.
Still missing you. Still thinking of you, what you would do, your voice, your beautiful voice..how you would sing all the songs with me if you knew them, how safe I would feel. And so kept together.
How I wanted so badly for you to be there with me. How I could sing along without any bit of relation to the lyrics. How happy I would be to sing the lyrics of a broken relationship if mine wasn't. How much it hurt for the bass to thump on my sore heart. Teasing me by how synchronized the underside of a song could play soul mate to the underside of my smile. I was smiling at the beauty of this blessing, this hurt. It hurt so much.

I just stood there in the dark. Eyes closed, swaying to words that hit home almost dangerously, dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming...

When I cry, I always wonder if you are crying. Or if you are sad, too. You have become so resentful and so cold.
What has happened to my home? How can I leave a place and end up coming back? I left disappointing and I returned disappointed. With a dreaming heavy heart and broken eyes, just seeing what I wanted to see but feeling what I had to feel. The same sadness, same loneliness, same longing to be in the arms of yours that I love. Longing to feel safe again, and wanted, and welcome. The warmth and comfort has changed. All that warmth and comfort I've grown used to for over a year. It is so... Unfamiliar.
You no longer look at me with those old darling eyes. The same way I've looked at you for weeks. Things are changing so rapidly now.
I am spinning heart first into losing someone and being even more lost in it. I haven't felt so heartbroken in so long. Over boys that I have grown to hate, and eventually forgetting.
I always used to date other guys right after having relationships end. I am such a cold soul. I almost feel bad for hurting the ones I thought I used to love.

Tonight I am thinking of the same boy I've ended nights with for way too long.
The same boy.

I can't bring myself to learn to love someone else so soon. Never. Not after feeling so perfect for someone like this. We are world's apart, earthquake lovely, but we fit so perfectly.

I remember the day at the ocean when I wanted to be the blue that held you.

I am so sorry.

The xx- Tides
The xx- Unfold
The xx- Swept Away
The xx- Our Song

The xx- Angels
The xx- Chains
The xx- Fiction
The xx- Try
The xx- Reunion
The xx- Sunset
The xx- Missing

day 41

1
He called me lovely.

2.
His neighbor called me a lovely girl.
A special girl.
The kind of girl that boys go to flower shops for.
Just to hand me a bouquet of simple flowers.

3.
I may be lovely, but
he doesn't love me anymore.
At least
not like that.

4. I will always feel like a dandelion.
Or just a daisy.
They're weeds
but they're also flowers.
Sometimes I feel unwanted
willing to have boys pick me from my roots
pluck my skin one pinch at a time
I love you
I love you not
I love you
I love you not anymore

5.
I love you

6. His neighbor is a remarkable woman.
She gardens and calls simple girls like me lovely
Calls me special
Something beautiful

Makes me feel like I can be loved
because I am so delicate

7. I have come to the realization that
I've spent most of my time
wanting to be plucked by other boys
This boy loves me
This boy doesn't
This boy only wants me when he wants me
 doesn't want me when I just want to be wanted
 He's so selfish
This boy doesn't want me because I wanted to experience other boys like that
This boy doesn't love me because he doesn't appreciate daisies
This boy loves me
This boy loves me not like I want him to
This boy loves me not like we used to be in love
used to pick dandelions and blow wishes

Used to wish I would never lose this feeling

Used to wish to be so beautiful
Wanted boys to place their clean fingertips around me
I wanted them to be tainted
Something dirty
something ugly
like how I feel

8. I trap boys by trying to be beautiful

I end up looking simple

The right boys like this

Like this enough to love me

Not like I want them too
Or how they picture love
but they love me
a little daisy crowned queen

9. I eventually turn into a tyrant
and push all my lovers away
They get afraid too quickly

Even the bravest boy
fears thorns

10. I love the bravest boy that has ever  held me in his palms
His touch is something I don't plan on forgetting

Tonight I am feeling very sad
very sensitive and broken
Wilted almost

I know that his neighbor would still call me lovely
She has called me lovely for the first time she has ever seen me broken
This was also the first time she has ever met me

day 40

Thursday night's adventures

I saw one of my favorite bands at the House of Blues

I ate at Tasty Burger for the first time

At the concert
drunks got drunk and threw up

I am in love with music that makes me want to cry

They would be
as in love as I am with you

I miss you

day 39

things i've learned

you can't make someone fall for you
stay with you
or leave you alone

i have a tendency of
leaving
because i am either
 annoyed
 exhausted
 too adventurous
 or neglected

SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE
IS NOT A GUARANTEED DEAL
 THEY WON'T LIKE YOU ANYMORE THAN THEY MIGHT ALREADY
 THEY CAN FALL FOR YOU FOR A SHALLOW REASON
 IF YOU END UP FEELING MORE THAN THEY DO
  IT'S SAD
  IT'S LONELY
  IT'S LEARNING TO BE YOUR OWN LOVER

it's learning to adjust
learning to remember that you won't wake up with someone holding you
i will not kiss someone in the morning
or wake up noticeably warmer

i'll just be with myself

not sore
or naked
or stuck to someone's skin
i'll just be by myself

I still love you (jasper)
I am just learning how to love myself
after years of playing lover to other boys

I haven't been single since middle school
and high school
and I am barely a college student
but I am barely found

PLAYING SURRENDER TO BOYS OUT OF FEAR
IS MY BIGGEST REGRET.


i'm not fucking stupid
or fucking small
or not fucking important
i know my fucking worth

i'm so sick of being cute
or the pretty girl
that can be with anyone
this is such a lie
and it is such a lie that i have spent years trying to turn into truth


one day 
i just want to look at myself naked
and not feel disgusted with myself

and not feel like i've sought comfort
between the grip of boys
who like naked girls

any naked girls

i want to feel comfortable
being invisible
not naked


---
I have scars on my hands
from touching certain people
-J.D. Salinger.