day 42

I spend my nights alone now.
I am convinced that in time, I will adjust and eventually feel better about this.

A week is not enough time to let a heart heal.

I will fall asleep listening to one of my favorite bands, The XX.

I went to their concert the other night. It was such a beautiful concert. So beautiful.
I kept wanting to cry.

I kept being reminded of how much you would have loved it. How we would be so close, in your arms, swaying so gently, feeling so broken and so in love together.
But I was alone. With my friends, yes, with a huge crowd of strangers who love something like I do, yes, but still alone.
Still missing you. Still thinking of you, what you would do, your voice, your beautiful voice..how you would sing all the songs with me if you knew them, how safe I would feel. And so kept together.
How I wanted so badly for you to be there with me. How I could sing along without any bit of relation to the lyrics. How happy I would be to sing the lyrics of a broken relationship if mine wasn't. How much it hurt for the bass to thump on my sore heart. Teasing me by how synchronized the underside of a song could play soul mate to the underside of my smile. I was smiling at the beauty of this blessing, this hurt. It hurt so much.

I just stood there in the dark. Eyes closed, swaying to words that hit home almost dangerously, dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming...

When I cry, I always wonder if you are crying. Or if you are sad, too. You have become so resentful and so cold.
What has happened to my home? How can I leave a place and end up coming back? I left disappointing and I returned disappointed. With a dreaming heavy heart and broken eyes, just seeing what I wanted to see but feeling what I had to feel. The same sadness, same loneliness, same longing to be in the arms of yours that I love. Longing to feel safe again, and wanted, and welcome. The warmth and comfort has changed. All that warmth and comfort I've grown used to for over a year. It is so... Unfamiliar.
You no longer look at me with those old darling eyes. The same way I've looked at you for weeks. Things are changing so rapidly now.
I am spinning heart first into losing someone and being even more lost in it. I haven't felt so heartbroken in so long. Over boys that I have grown to hate, and eventually forgetting.
I always used to date other guys right after having relationships end. I am such a cold soul. I almost feel bad for hurting the ones I thought I used to love.

Tonight I am thinking of the same boy I've ended nights with for way too long.
The same boy.

I can't bring myself to learn to love someone else so soon. Never. Not after feeling so perfect for someone like this. We are world's apart, earthquake lovely, but we fit so perfectly.

I remember the day at the ocean when I wanted to be the blue that held you.

I am so sorry.

The xx- Tides
The xx- Unfold
The xx- Swept Away
The xx- Our Song

The xx- Angels
The xx- Chains
The xx- Fiction
The xx- Try
The xx- Reunion
The xx- Sunset
The xx- Missing