day 39

things i've learned

you can't make someone fall for you
stay with you
or leave you alone

i have a tendency of
leaving
because i am either
 annoyed
 exhausted
 too adventurous
 or neglected

SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE
IS NOT A GUARANTEED DEAL
 THEY WON'T LIKE YOU ANYMORE THAN THEY MIGHT ALREADY
 THEY CAN FALL FOR YOU FOR A SHALLOW REASON
 IF YOU END UP FEELING MORE THAN THEY DO
  IT'S SAD
  IT'S LONELY
  IT'S LEARNING TO BE YOUR OWN LOVER

it's learning to adjust
learning to remember that you won't wake up with someone holding you
i will not kiss someone in the morning
or wake up noticeably warmer

i'll just be with myself

not sore
or naked
or stuck to someone's skin
i'll just be by myself

I still love you (jasper)
I am just learning how to love myself
after years of playing lover to other boys

I haven't been single since middle school
and high school
and I am barely a college student
but I am barely found

PLAYING SURRENDER TO BOYS OUT OF FEAR
IS MY BIGGEST REGRET.


i'm not fucking stupid
or fucking small
or not fucking important
i know my fucking worth

i'm so sick of being cute
or the pretty girl
that can be with anyone
this is such a lie
and it is such a lie that i have spent years trying to turn into truth


one day 
i just want to look at myself naked
and not feel disgusted with myself

and not feel like i've sought comfort
between the grip of boys
who like naked girls

any naked girls

i want to feel comfortable
being invisible
not naked


---
I have scars on my hands
from touching certain people
-J.D. Salinger.