day 41

1
He called me lovely.

2.
His neighbor called me a lovely girl.
A special girl.
The kind of girl that boys go to flower shops for.
Just to hand me a bouquet of simple flowers.

3.
I may be lovely, but
he doesn't love me anymore.
At least
not like that.

4. I will always feel like a dandelion.
Or just a daisy.
They're weeds
but they're also flowers.
Sometimes I feel unwanted
willing to have boys pick me from my roots
pluck my skin one pinch at a time
I love you
I love you not
I love you
I love you not anymore

5.
I love you

6. His neighbor is a remarkable woman.
She gardens and calls simple girls like me lovely
Calls me special
Something beautiful

Makes me feel like I can be loved
because I am so delicate

7. I have come to the realization that
I've spent most of my time
wanting to be plucked by other boys
This boy loves me
This boy doesn't
This boy only wants me when he wants me
 doesn't want me when I just want to be wanted
 He's so selfish
This boy doesn't want me because I wanted to experience other boys like that
This boy doesn't love me because he doesn't appreciate daisies
This boy loves me
This boy loves me not like I want him to
This boy loves me not like we used to be in love
used to pick dandelions and blow wishes

Used to wish I would never lose this feeling

Used to wish to be so beautiful
Wanted boys to place their clean fingertips around me
I wanted them to be tainted
Something dirty
something ugly
like how I feel

8. I trap boys by trying to be beautiful

I end up looking simple

The right boys like this

Like this enough to love me

Not like I want them too
Or how they picture love
but they love me
a little daisy crowned queen

9. I eventually turn into a tyrant
and push all my lovers away
They get afraid too quickly

Even the bravest boy
fears thorns

10. I love the bravest boy that has ever  held me in his palms
His touch is something I don't plan on forgetting

Tonight I am feeling very sad
very sensitive and broken
Wilted almost

I know that his neighbor would still call me lovely
She has called me lovely for the first time she has ever seen me broken
This was also the first time she has ever met me