day 32

(rape)

(Anything that destroys us, we let in.)

The first boy I ever slept with
Was a horse shoe unsettling into my Cinderella of a body
He never took his shoes off
But I still have part of his soul on my temple
I used to pray, hoping that
he would never find out about you

The second boy I ever slept with
Kept my nimble body around his fingers like some sort of thread
Told me
One day
I'd love to see you naked
Play silk worm to the unnecessary body guards that switch shifts every time you take your clothes off
I only think about him to get over you

The third boy I ever slept with
Was three days young into this make shift of a shape shifting seasonal replacement
He was never supposed to feel the earthquakes you left on my thighs
or the surprise birthday cake dents in the crevices 11 candles could never blow out

During spring break in the middle of an autumn wind
I thought about you
I thought about the candles and the wishes that would never fix me
I thought about how many unnecessary birthday cakes I've wished on just to make me feel pure again
How many midnights I've spent with boys I didn't want to love just to wash the dirt off my temple
Like a horse shoe would eventually lead to a runaway
Or the more I pay to sleep with silk worms
The more arms of broken body guards I could feel safe in
The more candles I light
The more I realize I am torching  incense burners by the dozens and praying that I could pray to a God I actually believe in
That if there was a higher being that would actually heal me
The more I'd love the woman that has moved into my 11 year old body
..Like the man
That danced in my skin
Years before I could love myself naked