day 183

(half birthday) / open letter to Sheila

I got a letter from my team mate, Jubilee. She's back home in Toronto and lately I've been wondering where I'm going with my life. What am I doing? Why? How is all of this going to get me where I want to be? Most importantly, WHERE do I want to be? Am I happy?

This may sound silly, but today is my half birthday. I started this poetry project on my nineteenth birthday. It is my second project and it has become much more successful than my first one, marsspeaks365.blogspot.com. I was 17, lost, found, in love, broken, happy, and adventurous. I lived in the moment. Today I am nineteen and a half and half way through this new journey. It's safe to say that I am still lost, found, in love, broken, happy, and adventurous. I still live in the moment.

So hi. I'm Princess Chan, also known by my stage names "P" or "Little Mars", and I am a youth poet based in Lowell, Massachusetts. I live my life through my poetry and I live it very shyly and secretly. Most people don't understand what I do or that I even write. I am a graphic design student at a local community college and I work a part time barista job just to get by. I have short hair and often times I get charcoal on my face after art class and no one ever tells me. I used to think I live with my heart on my sleeve, but my heart is hovering over the subway stations and cold park benches in Toronto. I'm not sure if I like the cold, but it is definitely something I've taught my body to remember. I dropped out of my first semester of college because the boys in my sociology class think rape is by choice. I was molested by a family friend when I was eleven. I didn't tell my older sister about it until she told me she was attacked when I was 17. I talk about sex openly and freely because I've gotten used to the idea of it. I haven't really loved anyone or been in love for a really long time. The boy who I thought was the love of my life kept me around because I was strong enough to save the both of us. I left because I was empty and hollow and I needed saving, too. I still need saving. I don't pray but I believe in signs and talking to God intentionally when I don't want to talk to anyone else. I talk humorously and sweetly and I like to play the manic pixie girl character. I am growing cold hearted and it makes me a bit afraid. Maybe I just don't want to accept reality and how cold most people are. Maybe I am just so annoyed and exhausted of trying to find the good in people. Maybe this is what makes me different from other people, but we all just want to be different in some way and some excuse. I have a bad habit of finding excuses for everything, but I am very responsible. I've learned that I break down walls to fix hearts and I end up breaking hearts and building up walls. I am not sure who I am today, but I am not who I was half a year ago. I do believe that I am happy, though. It's a bittersweet, taking the scenic route today because I don't want to pray, kind of happy. It leaves me empty at night sometimes, not too often, so I don't worry. I am slowly accepting that I am human. I just want to be where my body aches to be and where my legs and heart have taught themselves to skip.