day 194

It still feels like late Autumn and early Winter every time I see you. There is no other way to describe how cold we've grown. I haven't learned yet to forget about you. Or forgive you. Or even bother talking to you about how numb you've made me. It is a bone chilling regret whenever your arms wrap around me. Or even when you lay your eyes on me. I hate having to pretend everything is okay. It never was, it hasn't gotten any better, and I don't know how to change that. I always find ways to erase you and try to forget about you, but  you find your way back in. It makes me question if I really want you gone. I just know that we never loved because you didn't want to. I've learned to be stronger than to let someone love me halfheartedly. But sometimes I don't know why you have this kind of spell on me. I still fear speaking to you. It still hurts.