day 45

You can never be too sure of what you really want.
In the end,
I am sleeping in a past lover's arms like this is how it should have been all along.
The broken roads allow you to fall right back into love.
But will I still want this when I awake?
I can only dream

day 44

What pretty silhouettes, right? It's crazy how something so delicate can mean so much to you. While everything is a few days wilted, beginning to show weakness, we can still allow ourselves to find beauty in such a breakdown. Today I am still slightly broken, but I am happier. Although something that used to mean so much to me is starting to disappear, there is still a lot to be happy about. You can smile now.

day 43

(I am so humbled and excited every time I check my blog stats. 100+ reads a day is insanely flattering. I am so happy that you are taking your time out to read what I am thinking, feeling, loving. I wish to know your name, your favorite color, and your favorite book...please comment if you wish to not remain anonymous. If not, I sincerely appreciate your time and love. Please continue to support me. It's the kind souls like you that get me through my days with a warm heart.)

TITLE "strangers settling into broken homes

together"

there is nothing left to kiss you with

a mouth

and a few broken teeth

yellowed and vintage from all the old school music we recite

smoking a few filtered cigarettes

I am sitting in the back of my car

throwing ash through windows and winds

I remember that ghosts still walk by

I can't see anything

just remember

and respect

and pray that I will save a life before I take mine

 One day

 it won't be so difficult to swallow

 with strep throat coated stomachs

 

 the truth is just like that

 it feels like dancing with your mouth open

 no words or melodies

 just a harmony

 two feet between bodies

 keeping asses and breasts to one self

 and hands to hands 

 touching palms like we all want to tell each other's futures

I am not a fortune teller

cannot remember the last time I knew what I wanted for myself

I do not see what you want me to feel

some days feel heavier than others

i just want to run some days

not holding hands with anyone

just in my pockets, maybe

maybe trying to get a grasp on the air beneath my wings

flying

dreaming of the mist and the fog

getting lost in it

just for an excuse to stay home

i have wasted a part of my youth

being so confused

but i can't help myself

if I honestly don't know the answers I need

nothingness

beautiful nonetheless

day 42

I spend my nights alone now.
I am convinced that in time, I will adjust and eventually feel better about this.

A week is not enough time to let a heart heal.

I will fall asleep listening to one of my favorite bands, The XX.

I went to their concert the other night. It was such a beautiful concert. So beautiful.
I kept wanting to cry.

I kept being reminded of how much you would have loved it. How we would be so close, in your arms, swaying so gently, feeling so broken and so in love together.
But I was alone. With my friends, yes, with a huge crowd of strangers who love something like I do, yes, but still alone.
Still missing you. Still thinking of you, what you would do, your voice, your beautiful voice..how you would sing all the songs with me if you knew them, how safe I would feel. And so kept together.
How I wanted so badly for you to be there with me. How I could sing along without any bit of relation to the lyrics. How happy I would be to sing the lyrics of a broken relationship if mine wasn't. How much it hurt for the bass to thump on my sore heart. Teasing me by how synchronized the underside of a song could play soul mate to the underside of my smile. I was smiling at the beauty of this blessing, this hurt. It hurt so much.

I just stood there in the dark. Eyes closed, swaying to words that hit home almost dangerously, dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming...

When I cry, I always wonder if you are crying. Or if you are sad, too. You have become so resentful and so cold.
What has happened to my home? How can I leave a place and end up coming back? I left disappointing and I returned disappointed. With a dreaming heavy heart and broken eyes, just seeing what I wanted to see but feeling what I had to feel. The same sadness, same loneliness, same longing to be in the arms of yours that I love. Longing to feel safe again, and wanted, and welcome. The warmth and comfort has changed. All that warmth and comfort I've grown used to for over a year. It is so... Unfamiliar.
You no longer look at me with those old darling eyes. The same way I've looked at you for weeks. Things are changing so rapidly now.
I am spinning heart first into losing someone and being even more lost in it. I haven't felt so heartbroken in so long. Over boys that I have grown to hate, and eventually forgetting.
I always used to date other guys right after having relationships end. I am such a cold soul. I almost feel bad for hurting the ones I thought I used to love.

Tonight I am thinking of the same boy I've ended nights with for way too long.
The same boy.

I can't bring myself to learn to love someone else so soon. Never. Not after feeling so perfect for someone like this. We are world's apart, earthquake lovely, but we fit so perfectly.

I remember the day at the ocean when I wanted to be the blue that held you.

I am so sorry.

The xx- Tides
The xx- Unfold
The xx- Swept Away
The xx- Our Song

The xx- Angels
The xx- Chains
The xx- Fiction
The xx- Try
The xx- Reunion
The xx- Sunset
The xx- Missing

day 41

1
He called me lovely.

2.
His neighbor called me a lovely girl.
A special girl.
The kind of girl that boys go to flower shops for.
Just to hand me a bouquet of simple flowers.

3.
I may be lovely, but
he doesn't love me anymore.
At least
not like that.

4. I will always feel like a dandelion.
Or just a daisy.
They're weeds
but they're also flowers.
Sometimes I feel unwanted
willing to have boys pick me from my roots
pluck my skin one pinch at a time
I love you
I love you not
I love you
I love you not anymore

5.
I love you

6. His neighbor is a remarkable woman.
She gardens and calls simple girls like me lovely
Calls me special
Something beautiful

Makes me feel like I can be loved
because I am so delicate

7. I have come to the realization that
I've spent most of my time
wanting to be plucked by other boys
This boy loves me
This boy doesn't
This boy only wants me when he wants me
 doesn't want me when I just want to be wanted
 He's so selfish
This boy doesn't want me because I wanted to experience other boys like that
This boy doesn't love me because he doesn't appreciate daisies
This boy loves me
This boy loves me not like I want him to
This boy loves me not like we used to be in love
used to pick dandelions and blow wishes

Used to wish I would never lose this feeling

Used to wish to be so beautiful
Wanted boys to place their clean fingertips around me
I wanted them to be tainted
Something dirty
something ugly
like how I feel

8. I trap boys by trying to be beautiful

I end up looking simple

The right boys like this

Like this enough to love me

Not like I want them too
Or how they picture love
but they love me
a little daisy crowned queen

9. I eventually turn into a tyrant
and push all my lovers away
They get afraid too quickly

Even the bravest boy
fears thorns

10. I love the bravest boy that has ever  held me in his palms
His touch is something I don't plan on forgetting

Tonight I am feeling very sad
very sensitive and broken
Wilted almost

I know that his neighbor would still call me lovely
She has called me lovely for the first time she has ever seen me broken
This was also the first time she has ever met me

day 40

Thursday night's adventures

I saw one of my favorite bands at the House of Blues

I ate at Tasty Burger for the first time

At the concert
drunks got drunk and threw up

I am in love with music that makes me want to cry

They would be
as in love as I am with you

I miss you

day 39

things i've learned

you can't make someone fall for you
stay with you
or leave you alone

i have a tendency of
leaving
because i am either
 annoyed
 exhausted
 too adventurous
 or neglected

SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE
IS NOT A GUARANTEED DEAL
 THEY WON'T LIKE YOU ANYMORE THAN THEY MIGHT ALREADY
 THEY CAN FALL FOR YOU FOR A SHALLOW REASON
 IF YOU END UP FEELING MORE THAN THEY DO
  IT'S SAD
  IT'S LONELY
  IT'S LEARNING TO BE YOUR OWN LOVER

it's learning to adjust
learning to remember that you won't wake up with someone holding you
i will not kiss someone in the morning
or wake up noticeably warmer

i'll just be with myself

not sore
or naked
or stuck to someone's skin
i'll just be by myself

I still love you (jasper)
I am just learning how to love myself
after years of playing lover to other boys

I haven't been single since middle school
and high school
and I am barely a college student
but I am barely found

PLAYING SURRENDER TO BOYS OUT OF FEAR
IS MY BIGGEST REGRET.


i'm not fucking stupid
or fucking small
or not fucking important
i know my fucking worth

i'm so sick of being cute
or the pretty girl
that can be with anyone
this is such a lie
and it is such a lie that i have spent years trying to turn into truth


one day 
i just want to look at myself naked
and not feel disgusted with myself

and not feel like i've sought comfort
between the grip of boys
who like naked girls

any naked girls

i want to feel comfortable
being invisible
not naked


---
I have scars on my hands
from touching certain people
-J.D. Salinger.

day 38

I've realized that men, particularly boys,
sometimes
almost all the time
treat me as an inferior. 

It makes me feel very sad.
I am capable of doing much better things than these little boys.
And I do.
I do so much.

I get so little credit.

Nights like these
make me feel very small.

day 37

Things I currently like more than usual:

• Fall for your type
• Spotify
• circles and triangles
• Gwen Stefani
• laying in bed with my laptop
• getting my pillow pets back
• being back in my own room
• my bed
• nail polish remover ready wipes
• make up remover wipes
• the fact that my mum uses a rice cooker again
• fresh rice all the time
• the ideas I have
• going to bed alone and wanting to wake up missing someone
• wanting to be a better person, in general
• wanting to be a better friend
• the fact that people still want to be my friend
• feeling wanted
• walking into a room full of people who love me
• mood boards
• time to be in a better mood more often
• 
  
  

Things I currently want:

• to clean my room
• organize my closet
• write a new song
• adventures
• for people to stop assuming that I still love the same person like I used to
• to love the same person like I used to
• to stop making commitments
• I know I'm not ready for anything anymore
• I am sure of this

Things I currently hate:

• the fact that I cannot love myself and make myself happy without sacrificing a lover's feelings.

But I already make a lot of sacrifices.

day 36

Yeah
but not every girl is like you
You can like
get any guy you want
easily.

1. Not true

2. If true, I'd prefer not to leave my heart in places it doesn't belong.

day 35

Ignoring someone is difficult. I am now realizing what a blessing it is to have someone be upset with you.

I'm sorry.

day 34

I let the most important thing go. In order to gain growth for myself. In order to love myself and learn how to love myself. And how to love others less bittersweet. And to learn how to love you again.

We will be together again.
We will be one again.

I hope you take the time to grow, to love yourself, and to learn patience.

There is no other body, no other soul I would love to hold than yours.

I leave you with all my art work. As collateral. I told you I'd be back. I just hope you are as open to loving me again.

Open letter to someone beautiful.

day 33

It's wonderful to grow as an individual
Instead of wanting to grow with lovers
Something tells me that I want to go out and have drunken sob stories
But something else tells me to stay where I make homes
For distant lovers that just want to love me at a distance
He keeps distancing himself from me
Like the only heart beat I want to memorize is his
Like a song I want to learn
I just want to be the lover he needs
Because I do a horrible job at being the lover he wants
:(

day 32

(rape)

(Anything that destroys us, we let in.)

The first boy I ever slept with
Was a horse shoe unsettling into my Cinderella of a body
He never took his shoes off
But I still have part of his soul on my temple
I used to pray, hoping that
he would never find out about you

The second boy I ever slept with
Kept my nimble body around his fingers like some sort of thread
Told me
One day
I'd love to see you naked
Play silk worm to the unnecessary body guards that switch shifts every time you take your clothes off
I only think about him to get over you

The third boy I ever slept with
Was three days young into this make shift of a shape shifting seasonal replacement
He was never supposed to feel the earthquakes you left on my thighs
or the surprise birthday cake dents in the crevices 11 candles could never blow out

During spring break in the middle of an autumn wind
I thought about you
I thought about the candles and the wishes that would never fix me
I thought about how many unnecessary birthday cakes I've wished on just to make me feel pure again
How many midnights I've spent with boys I didn't want to love just to wash the dirt off my temple
Like a horse shoe would eventually lead to a runaway
Or the more I pay to sleep with silk worms
The more arms of broken body guards I could feel safe in
The more candles I light
The more I realize I am torching  incense burners by the dozens and praying that I could pray to a God I actually believe in
That if there was a higher being that would actually heal me
The more I'd love the woman that has moved into my 11 year old body
..Like the man
That danced in my skin
Years before I could love myself naked

day 31

Today is Wednesday!

The 17th!

My favorite number,
my favorite date,
my selected seats on my plane rides

It's not really lucky
It just makes me feel alive
like I can believe in a number so much
like a day will make my lifetime
or a seat with shape my odds

I am very hopeful today

(Also
it is my first day back to work
from my sick leave
I am kinda dreading it
because my boss is really hard on me
but I am not feeling as sick as I did

My doctor was on vacation
out of town
he was in India all of last week
which was when I was sick
today he's supposedly back in the office
but I don't have enough time to see him
I'll be fine though
I've survived this far)

day 30

A boy is painting on one side of my room

another boy is in my closet
playing his guitar

I'm on the couch
sprawled almost paralyzed
the fight in me is asleep
not dead
just sleeping
my body is aching too much to
see the beauty in this room
but feeling the beauty of heart
and art
and soul
and passing time
is just fine with me

it's okay

I'm getting better

day 29

NO MORE TIME TO PLAY
OR SLEEP
ok maybe sleep


WRITING
WRITING
MEMORIZING
CHOREOGRAPHING
LEARNING
DANCING WITH MY WORDS
FEELING HOW I ONCE FELT
LEARNING ABOUT MYSELF
HOW I WANT OTHERS TO FEEL
WRITING
WRITING
WRITING
PLANNING
CREATING
NOT MUCH TIME LEFT
IT'S OK
IT'S OK
IT'S OK 
IT'S OK
IT'S OKAY
I'LL GET THERE
I WILL BE IN TORONTO

IT'S NOT TOO LATE
IT'S NOT TOO LATE
IT'S OKAY
I WILL GET THERE

day 28

The weight of being tied down

I will write this poem once I have the strength to fly.

day 27

(I've been sick all weekend, haven't been able to physically blog this piece. Sorry!)
I only know that I'm alive
Because I'm breathing
Because the sweat on my brow
Is a reminder that my skin needs space from touching
That too much warmth can kill me if it wanted to
Too much of anything can kill me
Too much passion
Too much love
Too much warmth
Suffocation

day 26

I used to think that it only rained
when I was sad.
There is a sudden realization that I am selfish on some days.
It rains when it rains
We just have to be prepared for it.


I am not sad today.

day 25

I told you I want to leave
or I wanted to leave

That the weight of my wings are so heavy now.
The dreams I often wish for
have slightly lowered
I don't have any idea of a standard
I am not sure where content lies.
Where it sleeps
dreams and wonders
I have just figured out that it wanders off
eventually fading into the darkness.


Earlier you squeezed my arms and told me to leave.
Like you wanted to squeeze the remaining truth out of me
I have no idea where the truth lies
I just know that I've started to wander off

eventually I'll fade into the darkness

day 24

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WAKING UP
AND TELLING SOMEONE YOU DON'T LOVE THEM
ANYMORE
AND WAKING UP
THE OTHER PERSON
BEFORE YOU EVEN FINISHED 
DREAMING.



AND SOME DAY I'LL WRITE A LOVE POEM
THAT IS CLOSE ENOUGH TO REACH YOU
A LOVER THAT DISTANTS HIMSELF
IS A LOVER THAT WOULD NEVER BE ABLE
TO LOVE ME
A MILLION CRIES AWAY










(FOOD FOR THOUGHTS)

day 23

but the crooked crooks met at the top of the house every early evening waiting to discuss their own attic ideas

day 22

TITLE "I just miss you, that's all"


There's no privacy here
no secrecy
or no time for me
to close my eyes
and feel what I want to feel
in my own sheets
with myself
being the only one who has slept here.

It feels good waking  up in the morning
and not having to say I love you
to someone I don't love anymore
This quote has hit some relevance to me lately
Somewhat of a deja vu

I do love you
I do not love what has become of this 

I just want to not feel guilty
when I tell you
I don't want you to use my phone
because I know you will look through my inbox
through my outbox
through my call log
through the conversation minutes
and over analyze
and judge
and make me feel upset
for only wanting to have

a friend.

That's what everyone wants,
isn't it?


We only ask questions
in fear of answers we don't know
but what if we already have all the answers we need
what if the truth I'm waiting for isn't the same as the truth you want
what if I do enough to keep these ties ribboned together
and gift wrapped for other lovers to open
what if I don't care anymore
or I care too much
what if I don't want this anymore
what if I didn't have the courage to publish this poem

but this is what my life has become


there is no secrecy in my life anymore.

day 21

Today
I painted
Flowers in my hair
17
Sweet petals
She loves me she loves me
Not
She is me
Sometimes I'm tired of dreaming
But this is okay
That's how I was born
-19

day 20

Quite content with the

   way the shore seems to hug you.

No more heaviness.

please

day 19

Today we went to a show

we shared a cigarette
and nachos


There is something in the air
that makes me want to become a better lover

day 18

I know you will read this.

I know
I will never show you this
but I know
some how
you will find a way to see this.

There is a special place for you
in my soul.
I will leave you nameless
until the day we walk hand in hand
towards the sunlight
praying to the warmth that left for comfort
We are all just worn out toys
on the stoops of graduates

One day
they'll congratulate us
Happy loving

One day.

day 17

If I had a dollar
for every time
I wish I was 17 again

I'd be really rich

and in the sense where money doesn't matter
and I would just be so rich
off of my youth
my naivety
my courage
and my strength
Someday
I will feel the same

I am still test driving nineteen

day 16

My focus is on other things today
same as yesterday,
as always,
I am still drawn towards the past of everything.

The word "still"
has become almost native tongue to me.
Sometimes I don't want to stand still
I want to surrounded by the stillness of breath
and breathing
and life
and living
and sightseeing
and just being happy.


It's a common thread shared by everyone.


At the end of the day,
we are in the same state as we have woken up,
even if it isn't what you want to accept.

One day you'll realize it's all a circle.
But life shouldn't be different everyday.
Just some days.
Some days when you wake up
the air isn't still
and it's windy
and the seasons have changed.

But ultimately
waking up and loving who you are today
will always
be the best gift you can give yourself.

We can all try a little harder to be happy.


Today I want to try to be happier.
Tonight I want to go to bed and still try to be happier tomorrow.
Tomorrow morning I want to wake up
trying to be happier.
It will all happen eventually.



trust

day 15

I only wanted to hear the rain drizzle this morning.
Not myself.

(Eh)

It's October
some facts that hold true to who I am today:

- I still cry almost everyday
- I still practice my Jack the Ripper piece in the shower
(just in case a serial killer tries to kill me while I'm showering)
 ((I know in this case, they would be to confused to hurt me))
- I look the same naked as I did last month
- Sometimes I still want the same things
- Most times I know what I should want
- Needing someone or something or some days aren't always necessary

- I just want to have days to myself
- This has been the same since I turned 11
-
- Blank is always okay