day 106

recap

i turned nineteen
and got onto a plane
to Toronto

i learned a lot about myself

i am very bad at saving money

i have made many mistakes
hurt many people
broken a few hearts
and lost mercy for my own

i dropped out of college
kinda
yea

late 2012 was really rough

my passion grew
that is all that matters
and all that i want to remember about this year

day 105

I woke up today still hating you.
Still wishing you'd reach out to me
I tried to get myself to cry over you last night,
but I don't have any energy left in me
No more emotion
I've just become hollowed out
waiting for you to pass by me and realize you're empty too

I'm afraid that we will both remain empty if we decide to become whole again
I am terrified in the truth of falling out of love
At this point, I do not need advice or a lover to mend my heart
I just need time to realize you are not what I set you up to be

I am not disappointed
Just a little bitter and a little hurt.

day 104

you smell like cigarettes and a cheap thrill

Today
I put on your sweater
I smelled like cigarettes for hours
I didn't care

I still don't want to worry

I still don't know what we want

day 103

My mother always told me to never cry over two things:

Broken hearts
and paper cuts

She would always say,
"Shush. It's so little. You only feel it now because you can see how broken it is."

When my boyfriend broke up with me,
she told me how dumb I looked for crying over a boy
I wasn't even married to.
She then continued to lecture me about how the only man she's ever cried over
was the poor excuse I had for a father.
Said,
"Three children and millions of affairs later,
I had no choice.
He was just a paper cut I ignored for years and
years and kept giving my treasure of a breath to.
I didn't cry because my heart was broken
or because I didn't send him a love letter
enveloped by disappointment,
I cried because I had become a hollow needle
waiting for someone that didn't want to stick around."

To this day,
every time I get my heart broken,
I just tell her I got a paper cut.
Her truth stings less that way.


When my mother underwent a liver biopsy,
I came home to her standing in the kitchen eating lunch.
She told me that she closed her eyes,
they put her to sleep, and they stuck a hollow needle into her side.
Said she was just a little tired
and that her body ached, but there was nothing to worry about.
That night
she asked me to help her into her king-sized bed.
Her body ached too much to do it by herself.
After seeing her struggle to just lift her body up,
to move,
to even hold my hand,
I found myself struggling to breathe.
Like every breath I took
would feed into the paper cuts her body was storing.
She just kept her eyes closed,
screamed out that she was in so much pain,
but never shed a tear.
I kept reminding myself not to cry in front of her.
That the sound of a sob would just be enough
to wake up the broken body she has called home for years.
To be the strength she has lost and the strength I had grown
To ignore the sound of the shattering heart I had
just pieced back together
To ignore the sting of a million paper cuts slicing my skin
every time she held my hand

"Shush. It's so little. You only feel it now because you can see how broken it is."

Nowadays,
I keep my eyes closed until I'm ready to see the damage.
I don't watch myself bleed anymore.
I hold my breath
and remember that I don't need help to dream
and that I don't need to wake up next to a love letter I never wanted to write
and feel the sting of being torn apart by the hand of the lover I was dealt.

If it's one thing I've learned from my mother's lectures,

It would be the fact that my breath is golden
and that I should only open my eyes to send a lost love
one last sob
and to seal an envelope of the stinging
millions of shattered heart I have left.
but I no longer dare cry over broken hearts
and paper cuts,
I cry because I've let myself become a hollow needle
waiting for someone that didn't want to stick around.

day 102

my wedding/divorce/we may still be together but i still hate you vows:

there are much other important topics to hate
and love
and forget about.

a break up isn't as half bad as it sounds


in all actuality
it is far more worse
it stings like i was always your nectar
sipping your words feeling
somewhat important
like i was keeping you alive
and strong
as i wilt
and grow weaker
and wake up one morning and realize
the dew on my skin was just a sorry excuse
for revival
like a midnight storm could make me feel more alive

day 101

they do not want me to be in love with you anymore
i do not know if i should listen
or fall headfirst with my fists hanging forward
trying to defend myself from all the harm you used to throw at me

i am no longer feeling remorse
or sad
or selfish
i just feel a little more free
happy
simple

day 100

today was spent with smiles
and a lot of happiness
a lot of family
a lot of company
a lot of girl talk
giving
loving
being thoughtful
and feeling blessed
today was spent with naps
and gossip
and hearing about a new love
today was spent with best friends
and blankets
and hugs
more smiles
and a lot more happiness

i am once again finding the beauty
of good company

joy is better when shared

day 99

today
i recieved a letter from
a university in New York that I had previously applied to

I decided not to attend

they are giving me another chance

I don't know what I want to do with my life anymore
this poem will be finished when i figure out my happy ending

day 98

we are not supposed to be together anymore
my mother forbids me

do i really want to love someone who will just tear me down
over and over and over and over again?



no

but do i believe that only evil will sprout from the seeds we have planted?

no

day 97

you are twenty today
i don't think i can list twenty reasons why i still love you anymore
and i don't think that i owe you that

i just wish i could have a better explanation to why we have fallen out of love
out of touch
out of warmth
out of time
out of youth

day 96

if the world ends today
I don't want you to tell me you love me
or that you are sorry
or that you are hurting
or that you wish we could have gone about differently

lately
my veins have been playing dead
trying to find a pulse in my body
keeping myself warm and worrying
that somehow we might all just combust
or explode
or just catch on fire
like swallowing too much alcohol
to fall down on soft floors
and wanting to fall asleep
and wanting to wake up alive
in love
and living
promising that we are not hurt anymore
we just want to pretend we can die together
in peace
but in pieces
realizing our pulses are becoming extremely distant
and i can't feel your soul jumping out of your skin anymore

day 95

I miss all our late night jam sessions in cold empty parking lots. it's beautiful to realize how much we all can feel. and so strongly, too, about anything, anyone, at any time. the quiet nights I spend alone in my car before stepping foot into the cold just reminds me of how much I have let go and how much I am trying to grow and feel and realize that I feel so differently. everything is just so cold now and the warmth we all want is somewhere in an empty parking lot. this will be okay in all the right places once we learn how to feel again. 

day 94

your lack of consistency is digging up a home to lay in
something low with the dog bones and dirty rags
you wear mud on your feet like you want me to follow your footsteps

***
Fuck bad *internet* connection

day 93

Every time I think of a busy subway
I miss my old home back in Toronto
My days of getting lost and feeling okay
And the urge in my body to just get out and let the bones in my toes drag me to where I'm supposed to be

This sense of freedom and getting lost and being nauseous and being broke, dirty, tired, and hungry
All those senses in one little heart
I miss being an artist

Nowadays
When I picture a crowded subway
I just get motion sickness
with a lot of disappointment and confusion and a lot more sadness
I've been spinning around trying to figure out who I can be for so long...
I've lost control of who I actually am

day 92

I am trying to compose the perfect poem
of two lovers falling spiral head over heels out of love
I am thinking too much

I just want to write something strong enough to pull us back together
We've been playing with hearts of gravity for years now
Each pulse sinking deeper
Falling harder
Sometimes I just want to lay weightless again
Two feathers intertwined and braided into the lost strands of hair left in each other's pillow cases

I still keep your outline in my sheets
Sometimes I try to convince myself we can somehow be comfortable without each other

My heart sinks every time I want a stranger to sleep in the mold you have left behind

day 91

drunk off of cheap wine
I always only want to only be in your own arms
Just drunk off a cheap high
it is so easy to reach happiness when I'm with you.

Not sure if I'll regret feeling so in love in the morning

I don't want to kill what hasn't entirely died out

day 90

I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love
I am still in love

day 89

I hung out with my ex boyfriend tonight.
We got dinner I guess and walked around a crowded mall.

I could only think about the one I am still so passionately in love with
and remember how in love I used to be with this ex boyfriend
and how I am not in love with him anymore
It's only been two years since our high school sweetheart affair
but the feelings are gone

I remember him telling me during our break up
how he wanted to have a car
and a great job
and good grades
to treat me out and just have fun
no parents telling us what to do
just two good kids being young and in love

and tonight
we did exactly that

he drove me around in his car
he bought me dinner
everything was everything I know I deserve

but I'm not in love with him
and I thought I was in love with the idea of being treated like a queen
but I can't help but miss being dirt poor
but being so in love and so happy poor

if only everything could just stay simple all the time

...

day 88

i'm only trying to re discover myself
i don't think i am the same girl
the same
seventeen year old

seventeen is trying to catch up with me
i am trying so desperately to leave it in the past
it's depressing to realize you have to grow up
and watch what you say
and watch what you wear
and watch what you do
everything just catches up to you eventually
sometimes i just want the results
mailed to me
overnight
without the extra luggage
i am desperately wanting to catch up
to the dreams i once had for myself
lately seventeen is just a dream

lately seventeen is so far away

lately i just can't wait to be seventeen

day 87

(Thing are coming together)

bodies feeling whole after a few bad arguments,
horrible posture, and
a lot of betrayal

my lips have not learned the dance of an eager friend
you've learned a dance you don't feel like performing anymore

but it will be over soon
things are coming together
slowly

day 86

I keep myself busy all day to avoid thinking about you

I am still finding myself dreaming about us

No more nightmares
Just daydreams

day 85

i kissed you today
i like the feeling of being grabbed by the waist
because i am tiny
but i love like a giant
i need to stop loving you like i do
you don't believe me anymore

you don't want to believe me

i don't want to fit so easily in the palms of your hands
they're calloused from all the cleaning up of shattered hearts
millions of pieces
all of them crying for you to leave them where you left them

they don't like fitting so easily into the palms of your hands
it confuses them
like they're supposed to be a part of you

day 84

Decluttering my room
and my rib cages
and I am finding dead butterfly carcasses
and secret lovers
and a lot of friendship
and I light a lot of candles
I let the hot wick swim in its own tears
Until the jello of a goodbye hits me hard
Realize the scent of a temporary comfort is leaving me
Drifting towards ceiling panels and leaving smoke as an exit
No where close to an open window
Just a couple of lungs
and they're drowning themselves in their own tears
Until the jello of their goodbyes can't stand to take a breath anymore
And everything in your rib cages turn into the ash of the butterfly carcasses
You see
I burn candles for a temporary comfort
and I am trying to seek company in the open space of the room
in my rib cages

After letting go and throwing out the butterfly carcasses
you are left with just ash in your lungs
and when you lay yourself to bed
your exhales will set the ceiling panels on fire
and the sore spots behind your eyelashes will scotch a certain scar into your dreams
and you will remember how badly you wanted to breathe while your feet buried themselves in the ashes of mellow goodbyes

***
don't you remember that butterflies taste with their feet?

day 83

day 4

I never threw out the flowers you gave me two months ago. Everyone must think I'm crazy for thinking dead flowers are beautiful.
The fact that something so alive can peacefully preserve itself is so simple and lovely.

I don't know how I feel today. I had the strength to tell friends who asked about us that we are no longer together. But there is no anger or bitterness in my voice. Just a little sadness, but it makes me feel kept together.

*edit*
I placed one of the dead flowers into a mason jar of water. As I sip jasmine tea alone and attempt to clean my room, I realize that the water has formed tiny air bubbles.

Even once dead, there is still an ounce of gasp for air. Somewhere within my body, this is true.

day 82

I am still finding myself wanting to meet new guys. I've been under close watch of my best friend. I bring her everywhere.
Last night we were supposed to attend an art reception. I thought maybe my hopeless romantic self would find love in an art gallery. I mean, two artists surrounded by beauty is just a masterpiece.
Of course this didn't go as planned. The night was horrible and cold and lost and it was basically my love life in a nutshell.
I guess love isn't for me right now. This is okay. I am slowly accepting my independence. Something I've always dreamed of.

I read that Virgos love hard and their feelings die slowly, but once they are gone, they are gone. I believe this is true. I have fallen in love twice. Although I am still friends with my snowflake of a melted relationship, I am not in love with him anymore. I love him, yes, and I care about him and his future a lot. I believe this is true love. He is off to a co-op job next semester in North Carolina for six months. He is finally getting his own independence and this is so symbolic to me. I remember being so bitter that he left me to follow his education and find himself. Now seeing him reach his goals one by one, I am so inspired and thankful to still be good friends with the guy. Perfect timing for everything.
I thought about falling in love with him again, but everything just doesn't feel right and it would be just weird. He is just a friend now. And it's okay. It's gonna be okay.

The second person I've ever fell in love with, is the boy I am currently leaving behind to follow my own dreams and goals. I am feeling more than ever to inspire and I am once again allowing myself to fall in love with beauty and be inspired. Although love and a relationship is not in the picture right now, it's okay. I am going to buy myself some flowers, get rid of old clothing and notebooks, and just feel simple again.

I am still finding myself to be... beautiful. And I am currently accepting that I don't need other people to tell me I am. I know I am. Everything about me is beautiful. My soul is so golden and the love I can give is a gift.

day 81

two things I've learned from a broken heart: 

1) hearts shatter all the time. you will never truly be alone. the arms of a sister, blood or water, will always hold and mold you back to sanity. 2) you are still as beautiful, wonderful, and lovable as you were whole. embracing the sadness makes you a whole lot stronger and a lot more beautiful. don't succumb to a bitter heart. just be happy for the love you were able to give and receive.

day 80

post break up rant day one

/ i haven't cried all day. teared up a few times but really i'm trying
/ i'm still trying
/ i told you that i didn't want to get back with you
/ you can't break me anymore...
/ i'm trying to rebuild myself

I'm still trying...

day 79

i am strong enough to admit that i am a passionate human being
i am able to make mistakes and feel bitter
i am able to be the best lover i can be with guidance, trust, and help
i cannot allow myself to feel so low everyday
to give up my dreams and to settle for a half assed lover who carries the weight of his world half slumped onto my shoulders

He doesn't believe that I can be capable of swallowing pride and molding myself into his own version of a half assed lover
With sore palms and stretched out arms, I have grown tired too
And very sad
Very lost and very uninspired
Very uncared for and very much left to fend for myself

I've spent so much time emotion wealth and health trying to make a better man out of you
And your way of thanking me is to let me go
And call it quits
And say that this is finally over and you're finally over me
And now I want to be able to love myself fully
And stop lying to myself
And stop feeling so sad
So god damn sad...

day 78

aching
aches
fake ache
I want to make
something sweet
out of this
pain

day 77

at this point in my career.. in my life,
i just want to know who i love
why i love so passionately
why i choose to love those that don't love me
why i choose to love for benefit
and why i choose to not see the beauty in everything

remember when you used to think everything was beautiful
how beautiful of a girl that made you
stick and stone and broken beautiful
you made a name and a home and a heart out of frozen cold

now what i love is lost
and what i want to love is too hard to fix
and everything is broken and shattered
and loud
and nothing feels right again
nothing feels
nothing makes me feel down enough to write

i don't want to tell my stories
if i don't want to tell them anymore
if they're old news
if i already told my mother i dropped out of architecture school
if she already accepts me
if i am doing absolutely nothing with my life right now
if i still bleed red and love and much more blood than splitting foreign tongue
that i want to move to Toronto
that i think it would be good for me
that i am just looking for an excuse to not half heartedly try to fall in love everyday anymore
that i am just so tired

of finding love and beauty from someone else's touch

i've lost the beauty
i used to call it mine
and hold it high
and hold it so close to me
i don't know myself anymore

day 76

come on skinny love just last a year
pour a lil salt
we were never here ere ere
my my my
my my my my my

staring at the sink of blood
and crushed veneer
***

I can't take this anymore.

day 75

(My
imagination
gets me in
trouble)

I.
The city was infected.
Next thing I know
we were all hiding.
Where is my mother?
The back of the house
led to a hallway with a back door
and a door to the attic
Inside of the door to the attic
There were two different doors
A hidden one
And a decoy

Many people broke into the house looking for our supplies
Everything we had was in the cellar

No one had found us yet

Our father figure had left us but told us that we would be relocating soon.I gathered up the strength and courage to gather food and supplies.

In the cellar,
I suddenly heard someone walking heavily.
Boots.
A big man with a shot gun comes walking down.
I hide.
And run.
He shoots at me.
I find another hidden door that leads to the attic and I gather everyone to relocate.
Our new spot was in a whole other town.

A quiet, humble town.
The house was one floored
and romantic.
It was stocked with food and supplies. This had to be a vacation home.

II.
The walls were made of glass.
My mistake was feeling too safe too soon.
I lay down on a couch and smell a freshly washed blanket.
Home. And I go into a daydream.
I miss my mother. And I wonder what she's doing. If she's still alive. If the sickness has reached her city. She's safely across the country but this virus has been spreading fast.

And then I hear a chuckle. A very manly laugh. Directed towards me. Like I'm a fool for feeling safe. And I open my eyes. He's staring right at me. So I run towards the others. But he follows. Through the snow. He raises his cold red palms at me. I wish I did not have to see what I can. This damned house of glass is directly related to the lives we all live. Impersonal... In the open. No lies and no truths.

The man opens our front door and threatens to hurt us if we don't help him. He takes all of our supplies, thanks us, and tells us he wouldn't be back.

He talks wearily. We forgive him for leading a life he doesn't want to live. We all just seek forgiveness in our aggression. I forgive you.
I forgive you.
I forgive you.

III.
We feel safe, but not as safe as we can be. There is a big store down the road that sells groceries and linens.
We keep men at home to protect the women and younger kids. I bring two strong men with me to the store. We need a lot of paint to paint over the glass and a lot of food.

As we check out, the same men come shooting up and robbing the store.
We want to leave immediately.
The store workers lead us to a secret elevator on the opposite side of the store. We hurry on. There are two other store workers and a pregnant woman. As the elevator door closes, one of the robbers walk by and try to get on. After fighting and screaming he manages to get on. Silent at first.

I am so scared. He proudly holds his shotgun. Whistles and stares at us.
He then proceeds to point his gun at us. I stand near the pregnant woman and she keeps blocking me. It's clear that he wants to hurt me. He keeps pointing his gun at me. And I shake from fear. I begin to cry.
Loudly.
The woman tells him to leave me alone. I stare at him.
He says if he shoots her, the bullet could still pierce my skin.
He aims for my head.
And everything just slows down.

I think of the ones we left at the glass house.
Hoping they aren't too worried. We have been gone for too long now.
I think of my mother I left at home miles and miles away. She's safe, I know it. It makes me stronger.

I tell the man to shoot me. I see the fear in his eyes. He has never shot anyone. He cries.
The elevator door opens. We all run out. I am near the parking lot. The 2 men I came with hurried ahead and brought the supplies to our car. I asked a security guard to walk me.

As I reach the car, I thank him. He waits for me to start the car.

It doesn't start.
Two thugs come by, open my door,
and slip a knife against the skin of my left foot. It hurts.
They ask me challenging. Does it hurt? Giggles.
I am furious.
I look at the security guard to get into the car. He does.
I close the door and my window. Lock it. Sit it the car with my friends.
We play music.
The group of robbers get into a fight with the thugs.
The first man who robbed our glass house ends up shooting everyone. Even his own men.
He cries.
"I wish I could forgive myself."
And shoots himself.

The sun comes up.
The car starts.
We make it to the glass house in one piece. Everyone is safe.
I forgive the trouble and the thugs and the fear and the cold.

I forgive you.

day 74

"do you feel that?
it's emotion"

we panic once we realize our tongues have been set on fire with the ash of our words
/you aren't slurping up the remains of scorched hearts off the floor
we just learn how to clean up messes more efficiently 

day 73

i am horrible at defining
compassion
and
you are horrible at showing
compassion
i used to love you like
holding our worlds
seven seas apart
would numb the pain/ i have
splinters on my fingertips from
building waterproof sailboats
they are waterproof
just not
durable
i  never cared to shave down the surface
to make smooth criminals out of us
we have committed sin after
sin after sin
after we don't know what is right for each other anymore
after i will leave these splinters to
soak in and become a part of me
after every new sailboat i find myself falling in love in
the more i allow more to sink
to drown
to breathe a last gulp of compassion
whatever that means.

day 72

broken laptop/ phase three: depression

I've tried to accept your loss
but I cannot stomach it
I cannot swallow a lost love with a swollen chest
Rib cages bursting at the seams
I would have searched for a way to fix myself
Wake up at odd hours of the night and hold you
cradle you in my arms
You made my soul swollen with words that were easy to swallow

Some nights I wish you never left
There is a void I do not know how to fill

I know you are broken

But I am too

day 71

broken laptop/ phase two: hysteria
I USED MY PHONE TO UPDATE MY BLOG
TO TELL THE WORLD HOW MISERABLE I AM
TO LET EVERYONE KNOW WHAT A BLESSING IT WAS
TO LIVE AND LOVE AND EXPERIENCE WHAT YOU HAD TO OFFER
BUT IT DOESN'T WANT ME LIKE YOU DID
IT DOESN'T LOVE OR CARE ABOUT ME LIKE YOU DID


it doesn't even publish my blogs
about you
like you did...

day 70

broken laptop/ phase one: denial
I can't believe you did this to me.
I will not accept your loss so easily.
I know I mistreated you at times, but I didn't think you were actually hurt.
I cannot live
Without you.
I will never love again.

day 69

Life of a drunken anti-social teenager:
1. I fucking hate you.
All of you.
Sometimes...
2. I fucking hate my ex boyfriend/
current boyfriend
whatever the fuck you are
3. Sometimes
4. There is a party in my apartment.
I've locked myself in my room
with an HDMI cable
American Horror Story
and a big bag of chips
5. They want me to drink beers with them
And hang out
And be normal
And feel normal
But I don't want to
Maybe later...
I don't know
6. I am not normal. And its not bad. And its not anything special. I'm not anything special. I just dont want to settle and drag myself down and I just fucking hate you all right now.
7. I hate my fucking ex boyfriend
current boyfriend
Whatever

I stopped drinking.
The lips of poison remind me too much of yours.

day 68

I wish that I could save you.

I watch you while you sleep
angel eyes and
a whole lot of cold sweat
I know you are still running

I know you are still dreaming to be saved

Some mornings
I wake myself up before you do
and I just watch you try to attempt peace
like a snapshot glimpse of a piece of your snore
would fix the silence
There will always be nothing I can say
to help you
and to heal you

So I just stay
but I'm still in love
even at a distance
we are still in love
I still wish that I could save you


the way you always find a way to pull me back to pieces
gluing me with cold sweat
and angel eyes

day 67

I'm thankful for youth
I'm thankful for missing sneaking out
For my mother
For my dreams
Being able to dream while awake
For being able to chase
To do what no one would ever dare
For wanting to be a rock star
For one day I will be
One day you'll know me and we will be good friends
For holidays and the holiday season
For gluttony, greed and giving
For wishing
For kissing
And sex
And good health
For those that love me as much as I love them
for broken hearts
For broken dreamers
Inspiration
A reminder that I could too easily give up
For not giving up
For loving and lusting and not regretting
For good movies and good guys
For those who appreciate manners

For good hearts and unfinished poems

day 66

Stop telling me you love me
and I'll stop forcing myself to feel this way.

day 65

TITLE: thank you for letting me go/ thank you for letting me grow

In my first 365 project,
I told you guys that I fell in love with a warrior.

I have fallen out of love with the same warrior.

Tonight, he let me go.
When you see something suffering, it is human nature to put them out of their misery. One day I'll wake up completely happy.

I won't wake up tomorrow, sticking skin to skin, telling someone that I'm still in love as ever.

Because things do change, and plans change. And you start to find the difficulty of staying. And you start to feel the heaviness of hearts breaking. Shattering. And the sound of a disagreement sounds like a million knives swiveling. And the sound of a million How are you guys doing will smash against the replies of He decided to leave me because he loves me more than anyone ever could

And the strength of a warrior dodging the heavy noise of  shattered hearts will save a life

He already saved me.

And I love you so much

day 64

the raw:

/ i fall in love with people who tell me i'm lovely
/ i owe my success of being able to dream to my mother. she is the MVP of my career
/ lara mullen, sophia coppola, alexa chung, my sister = women i idolize
/ i clearly love the idea of being in love. my heart cries every time i kiss him good bye but my hands just miss the thought of being held
/ i know my self worth
/ feeling pretty is a universal want
/ i once caught myself from falling in love with a friend after we spent a night together. he convinced me we are just friends the morning after. I do not speak to him online simply because i learned to block him on social networks. i however somehow managed to memorize his number.
/ i am so young
/ i, too, agree that it is nice to come home to someone every night. i have realized that it only applies to someone special
/ i am a goof but i am also probably the sweetest sweety you will ever know. i promise. i am only filled with love and daisy petals.
/ some days i am just rotten, though. this is human. i accept it.
/ i had so much to say earlier, but now i don't want to share anymore
/ indecisive
/ i will wake up in the arms of a bad choice

day 63

Your skin is rough
calloused from all the kisses I give to you
they don't mean much anymore
But they feel soft in person

Feels familiar
You tell me not to go and I remember your kisses
on my baby soft skin
It's rough hearing these calloused I love yous

They're all we have left

day 62

My mother is a landmine beaut

A gem with explosive words
sometimes I know she doesn't really understand what I love
Neither do I, mama
But one day it'll be crystal
With the feeling of being proud imploding from my baby body

With every splash of broken
We seem to find a way to repair ourselves

***
mama taught me

day 61

I left home wanting to discover myself
Wanting to feel more like an adult
To feel more responsible

In charge of my own story

I still am
But I still fall in love with anyone beautiful
I still blush when people look at me like I'm lovely
I still fear walking in darkness

But within the last two weeks,
I found
my self worth.

day 60

my life has been an open studio
for artists to come and go as they please
i know they will come back someday
maybe not soon
feeling like my heart is an open cage
waiting for all the freebirds to reunite with my soul
fly back into my ribcage for me to hold them
i will never let you go

day 59

TITLE: Losing the home you've left in someone else's arms

i remember touching your hand before i left
and trying to swallow my own promise
i will love you even more when i come home


each i love you i swallow to myself is
a million knives trying to find home in my stomach
there is no home here
at least not one big enough for us
at least not anymore

day 58

It's amazing how troubled everyone feels before they can lay in their unmade beds

We don't speak anymore
Or as often
And it is somehow prohibited
To jump heart first into a trail

Just paved for us

It doesn't lead us to where we both want to be
But I wouldn't mind to settle for it
And I know you wouldn't either

But I won't...

Until I feel the home in your arms

day 57

but everyone wants to be loved
and everyone wants to sleep in the arms of someone touching clouds
and everyone wants to wake up next to someone else's warmth
touching and still stuck skin to skin
almost impossible to let go


**
you are almost impossible to let go


i still think of you everyday



i still think of you as home
a shape shifter

i still can't see you through the mist

day 56

Everyone speaks in native tongue

I find myself lost in translation
and lost spinning head first with a tongue
half way out of my mouth
in no certain direction

It's tough feeling beautiful
while watching others communicate
in almost secrecy
just similar patterns of flapping tongues
like wings in a family of caged birds

they all know who will listen
I just want to understand myself

day 55

(revealing my rape)

((Ontario International Poetry Slam 2012/ preliminary bout #3))

i'm subtle

a mouse

you won't know i'm here

til i squeak

til i peak

i want to reach the top

i am close

i dont have the joy of riches

in my hands

slipping loonies through my fingers

but i can run my hands through my hair

feel golden

i am true to myself

i will stay true to myself

/genuine

/sweet

/kind

/daughter

day 54

I woke up today feeling homesick.


I am currently 552 miles away from home.
That isn't too bad.
It's a two hour flight,
a ten hour drive,
a fourteen hour bus ride.

Home is not far at all.
But I miss my friends, my love,
my family.
My mother.
My city.

Tomorrow
the international slam I've been waiting for
will take place. (OIPS)
I'm not sure how I will place,
but I am hoping to leave a lasting impression.
I want people to ask me where I came from again.


I'm from Lowell. I'm still from Lowell.
I'm just visiting.

Hopefully I won't feel like such a visitor anymore.
Dreaming.

day 53

today

I walked by a snobby rich guy

with a cute dog

I waved at the dog

and he turned his cheek at me.

That dog is such a beyotch.

***

pretty doesn't mean nice

day 52

my best friend's words are about me

I find myself
slightly selfish
in the fact that I only write about myself
my dreams
my wants
always my fears
too afraid to share it

too afraid to live it
to live it down
to re live
be in the moment
it is the hardest steps to climb
going backwards
turning around to face your worst enemy
dreaming that someone would find comfort in your nightmare

my best friend's words are about me

he has found the beauty of my nightmares
and surrounded my fear of open space with comfort
with cloud soft words
and
friendship

it happens

it always happens

so maybe perhaps
one day
a new stranger can learn from the pain in my voice
and stop himself from causing nightmares

day 51

HERE
is a new home I am willing to break in.


"setting fire to our insides for fun"
feel the passion
feel it burst the words out of our lungs
it's hot in here
it's burning
it's a touch i will remember
the pain
the struggle to be free of flame
stopping to the drop and roll
listening to the rock and roll in
busy toronto subways

they're all walking without you
you don't need to join them
they don't know your name yet
but you like it this way


you like the freedom to be whoever you choose to  be today
you wake up and want to swim
want to fly in new air
breathe it in
be this change
be the love of your own life
this is you
this is your time


this is how hot your flame is
how long it will keep you warm
remember there is life within your chest
and with every song sung
you are revived
day after day after day
you are alive
you are living
you are loving
you are love
to a stranger
to a stranger's smirk
turn stranger's day into heaven

you're there

day 50

TITLE Settling into a newborn affair

1

if you don't find me sitting

cross legged

across literary legends

I haven't done my job

2

LITERS

KILOMETERS

ROGERS

POUTINE

SIX DIGIT AREA CODES

3 There is a lot for me to learn

a lot for me to see

sightsee

fall in love with vision

fall in love with other perspectives

there are too many point of views

I've played blind mouse to

4

I'm shy

Hopefully this will not ruin my trip

Hoping to find love in other souls

Hope to accept new

and change

and freedom

5

The currency here is so pretty

I will learn to save 

Become an artist one with the city culture

Walk around with hands in pockets

while watching lovers become spark givers

6

There is too much fire in me

Not enough cold to dim it down

7

Not enough cold to dim it down

day 49

So this is it.
Everyone knows
and everyone is proud.

I just hope that I can make a home out of my words.

Dreaming of coming back home a champion,
I just want to be what everyone thinks I can grow to be.

I still have a lot of growing to do.

day 48

TITLE "Tongue kissing with a porcelain god"






*
I saw you at the party last night
You seemed upset with me
Asked
Why didn't you tell me you were going out?



**
I know you really meant
You don't love me as much anymore

Is this true

If this is true
How broken do we have to be
to break each other just a little bit more

Fragile chipped tooth smiles
at the girl next door
I will walk you home to make sure you're sleeping alone tonight

***
You left me at my door step

Watched me fidget key to lock
as I opened up a jail cell
for myself

It is a cruel punishment

To push your lover into a home she does not want to be in

****
Last night
I was
tongue kissing with a porcelain god

All my sober thoughts of you
started to rearrange themselves in order of
sadness

I cried last night

Now I understand why we are so broken
We are too porcelain fragile
and not cautious at all

*
But you never asked me what I was going to do last night

day 47

Sometimes the days are long

and I only wish to lay with you

Most days

the dogs lay low with me

feeling low

feeling too down to Earth

deep down I just want you to feel me

I whimper at the chances you don't take

I still wait for you to come around

day 46

Dear Sara,

Today I can officially call myself a college dropout. Well, just for the rest of this semester. I talked to Febo earlier, and he totally understands. I joked around about actually moving to Toronto. He knows I secretly want to. He said that it was okay if I decided to move. I mean, after all, I am only 19. I am learning to love without binding strings, exploring myself, and hopefully I can make a name for myself.

I leave on Monday. Today I wanted to do my laundry and pack, but I ended up getting my period and rolling around in bed after dinner. I had such a horrible headache that I just knocked out. It felt like high school all over again. The uncertainties, the sleepiness, and the dreaming without a cause. I didn't have a dream or anything, though. But it felt really good to just wake up naturally like that. No nightmares or anything.

Of course I ended up not packing or doing laundry. But I did get a new cell phone today! It's the same 978-967-blank blank blank blank number. So you can text me if you ever feel the need to. I don't think we need to actually text/call each other. This whole long distance relationship thing is working out really well. I think we're the only lovers that could actually do this.

Tomorrow/Friday, I am picking up my passport in Boston. How last minute! It has taken so long to actually have it in my hands. It's been a long process, but it hasn't stressed me out at all. I mean, I'm not in school until January, I don't really care about work, I still love him, but we are still in two different worlds nonetheless, I wouldn't mind getting stuck in Canada. It's the nights that kill the most. That's when I really miss Jasper and I just want to cuddle up next to him, but it's better this way. You know? It's just so much more... freeing? And that's all I wanted in the end.

Febo told me to go to a MassLeap workshop on Saturday. It's like a big meeting with MassLeap people and big important poetry people. And this is the first time we'll have it in Lowell. It starts at 1-5pm, but I work at 3pm. Sofia Snow will be there. She's become one of my friends, and she's such a goddess. He told me to have a conversation with her. About anything that is anything. Because she has been through it all, balancing school, work, and relationships, along with her art. He said she would know best.

At the same time, I could hear the same pain in Febo's voice that he shares in his poems. But this was so raw. It was just real. Sofia left love for more opportunities, and she has made a name for herself. I feel like Jasper is my Febo, but I feel a slight hold back. I don't want to completely shut out Jas but I need to. It's really difficult. I need a drink.

Lol jk I'm just kinda dehydrated.

Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful day in school. Also I saw a picture of you and a boy on FB. You were in a beautiful dress and he was in a very cute tailored outfit! The lighting and the smiles were so real and vintage. I call it "Sunday School Love."

I love you, Sara.

Kisses

day 45

You can never be too sure of what you really want.
In the end,
I am sleeping in a past lover's arms like this is how it should have been all along.
The broken roads allow you to fall right back into love.
But will I still want this when I awake?
I can only dream

day 44

What pretty silhouettes, right? It's crazy how something so delicate can mean so much to you. While everything is a few days wilted, beginning to show weakness, we can still allow ourselves to find beauty in such a breakdown. Today I am still slightly broken, but I am happier. Although something that used to mean so much to me is starting to disappear, there is still a lot to be happy about. You can smile now.

day 43

(I am so humbled and excited every time I check my blog stats. 100+ reads a day is insanely flattering. I am so happy that you are taking your time out to read what I am thinking, feeling, loving. I wish to know your name, your favorite color, and your favorite book...please comment if you wish to not remain anonymous. If not, I sincerely appreciate your time and love. Please continue to support me. It's the kind souls like you that get me through my days with a warm heart.)

TITLE "strangers settling into broken homes

together"

there is nothing left to kiss you with

a mouth

and a few broken teeth

yellowed and vintage from all the old school music we recite

smoking a few filtered cigarettes

I am sitting in the back of my car

throwing ash through windows and winds

I remember that ghosts still walk by

I can't see anything

just remember

and respect

and pray that I will save a life before I take mine

 One day

 it won't be so difficult to swallow

 with strep throat coated stomachs

 

 the truth is just like that

 it feels like dancing with your mouth open

 no words or melodies

 just a harmony

 two feet between bodies

 keeping asses and breasts to one self

 and hands to hands 

 touching palms like we all want to tell each other's futures

I am not a fortune teller

cannot remember the last time I knew what I wanted for myself

I do not see what you want me to feel

some days feel heavier than others

i just want to run some days

not holding hands with anyone

just in my pockets, maybe

maybe trying to get a grasp on the air beneath my wings

flying

dreaming of the mist and the fog

getting lost in it

just for an excuse to stay home

i have wasted a part of my youth

being so confused

but i can't help myself

if I honestly don't know the answers I need

nothingness

beautiful nonetheless

day 42

I spend my nights alone now.
I am convinced that in time, I will adjust and eventually feel better about this.

A week is not enough time to let a heart heal.

I will fall asleep listening to one of my favorite bands, The XX.

I went to their concert the other night. It was such a beautiful concert. So beautiful.
I kept wanting to cry.

I kept being reminded of how much you would have loved it. How we would be so close, in your arms, swaying so gently, feeling so broken and so in love together.
But I was alone. With my friends, yes, with a huge crowd of strangers who love something like I do, yes, but still alone.
Still missing you. Still thinking of you, what you would do, your voice, your beautiful voice..how you would sing all the songs with me if you knew them, how safe I would feel. And so kept together.
How I wanted so badly for you to be there with me. How I could sing along without any bit of relation to the lyrics. How happy I would be to sing the lyrics of a broken relationship if mine wasn't. How much it hurt for the bass to thump on my sore heart. Teasing me by how synchronized the underside of a song could play soul mate to the underside of my smile. I was smiling at the beauty of this blessing, this hurt. It hurt so much.

I just stood there in the dark. Eyes closed, swaying to words that hit home almost dangerously, dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming. Dreaming...

When I cry, I always wonder if you are crying. Or if you are sad, too. You have become so resentful and so cold.
What has happened to my home? How can I leave a place and end up coming back? I left disappointing and I returned disappointed. With a dreaming heavy heart and broken eyes, just seeing what I wanted to see but feeling what I had to feel. The same sadness, same loneliness, same longing to be in the arms of yours that I love. Longing to feel safe again, and wanted, and welcome. The warmth and comfort has changed. All that warmth and comfort I've grown used to for over a year. It is so... Unfamiliar.
You no longer look at me with those old darling eyes. The same way I've looked at you for weeks. Things are changing so rapidly now.
I am spinning heart first into losing someone and being even more lost in it. I haven't felt so heartbroken in so long. Over boys that I have grown to hate, and eventually forgetting.
I always used to date other guys right after having relationships end. I am such a cold soul. I almost feel bad for hurting the ones I thought I used to love.

Tonight I am thinking of the same boy I've ended nights with for way too long.
The same boy.

I can't bring myself to learn to love someone else so soon. Never. Not after feeling so perfect for someone like this. We are world's apart, earthquake lovely, but we fit so perfectly.

I remember the day at the ocean when I wanted to be the blue that held you.

I am so sorry.

The xx- Tides
The xx- Unfold
The xx- Swept Away
The xx- Our Song

The xx- Angels
The xx- Chains
The xx- Fiction
The xx- Try
The xx- Reunion
The xx- Sunset
The xx- Missing

day 41

1
He called me lovely.

2.
His neighbor called me a lovely girl.
A special girl.
The kind of girl that boys go to flower shops for.
Just to hand me a bouquet of simple flowers.

3.
I may be lovely, but
he doesn't love me anymore.
At least
not like that.

4. I will always feel like a dandelion.
Or just a daisy.
They're weeds
but they're also flowers.
Sometimes I feel unwanted
willing to have boys pick me from my roots
pluck my skin one pinch at a time
I love you
I love you not
I love you
I love you not anymore

5.
I love you

6. His neighbor is a remarkable woman.
She gardens and calls simple girls like me lovely
Calls me special
Something beautiful

Makes me feel like I can be loved
because I am so delicate

7. I have come to the realization that
I've spent most of my time
wanting to be plucked by other boys
This boy loves me
This boy doesn't
This boy only wants me when he wants me
 doesn't want me when I just want to be wanted
 He's so selfish
This boy doesn't want me because I wanted to experience other boys like that
This boy doesn't love me because he doesn't appreciate daisies
This boy loves me
This boy loves me not like I want him to
This boy loves me not like we used to be in love
used to pick dandelions and blow wishes

Used to wish I would never lose this feeling

Used to wish to be so beautiful
Wanted boys to place their clean fingertips around me
I wanted them to be tainted
Something dirty
something ugly
like how I feel

8. I trap boys by trying to be beautiful

I end up looking simple

The right boys like this

Like this enough to love me

Not like I want them too
Or how they picture love
but they love me
a little daisy crowned queen

9. I eventually turn into a tyrant
and push all my lovers away
They get afraid too quickly

Even the bravest boy
fears thorns

10. I love the bravest boy that has ever  held me in his palms
His touch is something I don't plan on forgetting

Tonight I am feeling very sad
very sensitive and broken
Wilted almost

I know that his neighbor would still call me lovely
She has called me lovely for the first time she has ever seen me broken
This was also the first time she has ever met me

day 40

Thursday night's adventures

I saw one of my favorite bands at the House of Blues

I ate at Tasty Burger for the first time

At the concert
drunks got drunk and threw up

I am in love with music that makes me want to cry

They would be
as in love as I am with you

I miss you

day 39

things i've learned

you can't make someone fall for you
stay with you
or leave you alone

i have a tendency of
leaving
because i am either
 annoyed
 exhausted
 too adventurous
 or neglected

SLEEPING WITH SOMEONE
IS NOT A GUARANTEED DEAL
 THEY WON'T LIKE YOU ANYMORE THAN THEY MIGHT ALREADY
 THEY CAN FALL FOR YOU FOR A SHALLOW REASON
 IF YOU END UP FEELING MORE THAN THEY DO
  IT'S SAD
  IT'S LONELY
  IT'S LEARNING TO BE YOUR OWN LOVER

it's learning to adjust
learning to remember that you won't wake up with someone holding you
i will not kiss someone in the morning
or wake up noticeably warmer

i'll just be with myself

not sore
or naked
or stuck to someone's skin
i'll just be by myself

I still love you (jasper)
I am just learning how to love myself
after years of playing lover to other boys

I haven't been single since middle school
and high school
and I am barely a college student
but I am barely found

PLAYING SURRENDER TO BOYS OUT OF FEAR
IS MY BIGGEST REGRET.


i'm not fucking stupid
or fucking small
or not fucking important
i know my fucking worth

i'm so sick of being cute
or the pretty girl
that can be with anyone
this is such a lie
and it is such a lie that i have spent years trying to turn into truth


one day 
i just want to look at myself naked
and not feel disgusted with myself

and not feel like i've sought comfort
between the grip of boys
who like naked girls

any naked girls

i want to feel comfortable
being invisible
not naked


---
I have scars on my hands
from touching certain people
-J.D. Salinger.

day 38

I've realized that men, particularly boys,
sometimes
almost all the time
treat me as an inferior. 

It makes me feel very sad.
I am capable of doing much better things than these little boys.
And I do.
I do so much.

I get so little credit.

Nights like these
make me feel very small.

day 37

Things I currently like more than usual:

• Fall for your type
• Spotify
• circles and triangles
• Gwen Stefani
• laying in bed with my laptop
• getting my pillow pets back
• being back in my own room
• my bed
• nail polish remover ready wipes
• make up remover wipes
• the fact that my mum uses a rice cooker again
• fresh rice all the time
• the ideas I have
• going to bed alone and wanting to wake up missing someone
• wanting to be a better person, in general
• wanting to be a better friend
• the fact that people still want to be my friend
• feeling wanted
• walking into a room full of people who love me
• mood boards
• time to be in a better mood more often
• 
  
  

Things I currently want:

• to clean my room
• organize my closet
• write a new song
• adventures
• for people to stop assuming that I still love the same person like I used to
• to love the same person like I used to
• to stop making commitments
• I know I'm not ready for anything anymore
• I am sure of this

Things I currently hate:

• the fact that I cannot love myself and make myself happy without sacrificing a lover's feelings.

But I already make a lot of sacrifices.

day 36

Yeah
but not every girl is like you
You can like
get any guy you want
easily.

1. Not true

2. If true, I'd prefer not to leave my heart in places it doesn't belong.

day 35

Ignoring someone is difficult. I am now realizing what a blessing it is to have someone be upset with you.

I'm sorry.

day 34

I let the most important thing go. In order to gain growth for myself. In order to love myself and learn how to love myself. And how to love others less bittersweet. And to learn how to love you again.

We will be together again.
We will be one again.

I hope you take the time to grow, to love yourself, and to learn patience.

There is no other body, no other soul I would love to hold than yours.

I leave you with all my art work. As collateral. I told you I'd be back. I just hope you are as open to loving me again.

Open letter to someone beautiful.

day 33

It's wonderful to grow as an individual
Instead of wanting to grow with lovers
Something tells me that I want to go out and have drunken sob stories
But something else tells me to stay where I make homes
For distant lovers that just want to love me at a distance
He keeps distancing himself from me
Like the only heart beat I want to memorize is his
Like a song I want to learn
I just want to be the lover he needs
Because I do a horrible job at being the lover he wants
:(

day 32

(rape)

(Anything that destroys us, we let in.)

The first boy I ever slept with
Was a horse shoe unsettling into my Cinderella of a body
He never took his shoes off
But I still have part of his soul on my temple
I used to pray, hoping that
he would never find out about you

The second boy I ever slept with
Kept my nimble body around his fingers like some sort of thread
Told me
One day
I'd love to see you naked
Play silk worm to the unnecessary body guards that switch shifts every time you take your clothes off
I only think about him to get over you

The third boy I ever slept with
Was three days young into this make shift of a shape shifting seasonal replacement
He was never supposed to feel the earthquakes you left on my thighs
or the surprise birthday cake dents in the crevices 11 candles could never blow out

During spring break in the middle of an autumn wind
I thought about you
I thought about the candles and the wishes that would never fix me
I thought about how many unnecessary birthday cakes I've wished on just to make me feel pure again
How many midnights I've spent with boys I didn't want to love just to wash the dirt off my temple
Like a horse shoe would eventually lead to a runaway
Or the more I pay to sleep with silk worms
The more arms of broken body guards I could feel safe in
The more candles I light
The more I realize I am torching  incense burners by the dozens and praying that I could pray to a God I actually believe in
That if there was a higher being that would actually heal me
The more I'd love the woman that has moved into my 11 year old body
..Like the man
That danced in my skin
Years before I could love myself naked

day 31

Today is Wednesday!

The 17th!

My favorite number,
my favorite date,
my selected seats on my plane rides

It's not really lucky
It just makes me feel alive
like I can believe in a number so much
like a day will make my lifetime
or a seat with shape my odds

I am very hopeful today

(Also
it is my first day back to work
from my sick leave
I am kinda dreading it
because my boss is really hard on me
but I am not feeling as sick as I did

My doctor was on vacation
out of town
he was in India all of last week
which was when I was sick
today he's supposedly back in the office
but I don't have enough time to see him
I'll be fine though
I've survived this far)

day 30

A boy is painting on one side of my room

another boy is in my closet
playing his guitar

I'm on the couch
sprawled almost paralyzed
the fight in me is asleep
not dead
just sleeping
my body is aching too much to
see the beauty in this room
but feeling the beauty of heart
and art
and soul
and passing time
is just fine with me

it's okay

I'm getting better

day 29

NO MORE TIME TO PLAY
OR SLEEP
ok maybe sleep


WRITING
WRITING
MEMORIZING
CHOREOGRAPHING
LEARNING
DANCING WITH MY WORDS
FEELING HOW I ONCE FELT
LEARNING ABOUT MYSELF
HOW I WANT OTHERS TO FEEL
WRITING
WRITING
WRITING
PLANNING
CREATING
NOT MUCH TIME LEFT
IT'S OK
IT'S OK
IT'S OK 
IT'S OK
IT'S OKAY
I'LL GET THERE
I WILL BE IN TORONTO

IT'S NOT TOO LATE
IT'S NOT TOO LATE
IT'S OKAY
I WILL GET THERE

day 28

The weight of being tied down

I will write this poem once I have the strength to fly.

day 27

(I've been sick all weekend, haven't been able to physically blog this piece. Sorry!)
I only know that I'm alive
Because I'm breathing
Because the sweat on my brow
Is a reminder that my skin needs space from touching
That too much warmth can kill me if it wanted to
Too much of anything can kill me
Too much passion
Too much love
Too much warmth
Suffocation

day 26

I used to think that it only rained
when I was sad.
There is a sudden realization that I am selfish on some days.
It rains when it rains
We just have to be prepared for it.


I am not sad today.

day 25

I told you I want to leave
or I wanted to leave

That the weight of my wings are so heavy now.
The dreams I often wish for
have slightly lowered
I don't have any idea of a standard
I am not sure where content lies.
Where it sleeps
dreams and wonders
I have just figured out that it wanders off
eventually fading into the darkness.


Earlier you squeezed my arms and told me to leave.
Like you wanted to squeeze the remaining truth out of me
I have no idea where the truth lies
I just know that I've started to wander off

eventually I'll fade into the darkness

day 24

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN WAKING UP
AND TELLING SOMEONE YOU DON'T LOVE THEM
ANYMORE
AND WAKING UP
THE OTHER PERSON
BEFORE YOU EVEN FINISHED 
DREAMING.



AND SOME DAY I'LL WRITE A LOVE POEM
THAT IS CLOSE ENOUGH TO REACH YOU
A LOVER THAT DISTANTS HIMSELF
IS A LOVER THAT WOULD NEVER BE ABLE
TO LOVE ME
A MILLION CRIES AWAY










(FOOD FOR THOUGHTS)

day 23

but the crooked crooks met at the top of the house every early evening waiting to discuss their own attic ideas

day 22

TITLE "I just miss you, that's all"


There's no privacy here
no secrecy
or no time for me
to close my eyes
and feel what I want to feel
in my own sheets
with myself
being the only one who has slept here.

It feels good waking  up in the morning
and not having to say I love you
to someone I don't love anymore
This quote has hit some relevance to me lately
Somewhat of a deja vu

I do love you
I do not love what has become of this 

I just want to not feel guilty
when I tell you
I don't want you to use my phone
because I know you will look through my inbox
through my outbox
through my call log
through the conversation minutes
and over analyze
and judge
and make me feel upset
for only wanting to have

a friend.

That's what everyone wants,
isn't it?


We only ask questions
in fear of answers we don't know
but what if we already have all the answers we need
what if the truth I'm waiting for isn't the same as the truth you want
what if I do enough to keep these ties ribboned together
and gift wrapped for other lovers to open
what if I don't care anymore
or I care too much
what if I don't want this anymore
what if I didn't have the courage to publish this poem

but this is what my life has become


there is no secrecy in my life anymore.

day 21

Today
I painted
Flowers in my hair
17
Sweet petals
She loves me she loves me
Not
She is me
Sometimes I'm tired of dreaming
But this is okay
That's how I was born
-19

day 20

Quite content with the

   way the shore seems to hug you.

No more heaviness.

please

day 19

Today we went to a show

we shared a cigarette
and nachos


There is something in the air
that makes me want to become a better lover

day 18

I know you will read this.

I know
I will never show you this
but I know
some how
you will find a way to see this.

There is a special place for you
in my soul.
I will leave you nameless
until the day we walk hand in hand
towards the sunlight
praying to the warmth that left for comfort
We are all just worn out toys
on the stoops of graduates

One day
they'll congratulate us
Happy loving

One day.

day 17

If I had a dollar
for every time
I wish I was 17 again

I'd be really rich

and in the sense where money doesn't matter
and I would just be so rich
off of my youth
my naivety
my courage
and my strength
Someday
I will feel the same

I am still test driving nineteen

day 16

My focus is on other things today
same as yesterday,
as always,
I am still drawn towards the past of everything.

The word "still"
has become almost native tongue to me.
Sometimes I don't want to stand still
I want to surrounded by the stillness of breath
and breathing
and life
and living
and sightseeing
and just being happy.


It's a common thread shared by everyone.


At the end of the day,
we are in the same state as we have woken up,
even if it isn't what you want to accept.

One day you'll realize it's all a circle.
But life shouldn't be different everyday.
Just some days.
Some days when you wake up
the air isn't still
and it's windy
and the seasons have changed.

But ultimately
waking up and loving who you are today
will always
be the best gift you can give yourself.

We can all try a little harder to be happy.


Today I want to try to be happier.
Tonight I want to go to bed and still try to be happier tomorrow.
Tomorrow morning I want to wake up
trying to be happier.
It will all happen eventually.



trust

day 15

I only wanted to hear the rain drizzle this morning.
Not myself.

(Eh)

It's October
some facts that hold true to who I am today:

- I still cry almost everyday
- I still practice my Jack the Ripper piece in the shower
(just in case a serial killer tries to kill me while I'm showering)
 ((I know in this case, they would be to confused to hurt me))
- I look the same naked as I did last month
- Sometimes I still want the same things
- Most times I know what I should want
- Needing someone or something or some days aren't always necessary

- I just want to have days to myself
- This has been the same since I turned 11
-
- Blank is always okay

day 14

I am alone
laying across two sofas
arranged perfectly to imitate a bed.
It was my idea.

I think raccoons are cute
but in real life,
they are evil
and hiss
and stand on two feet.

I think one tried to close circuit my car
once I got to my apartment
after work.

I think the word is
"close circuit.."

if not
I am thinking of hijacking
but that makes the raccoon
seem...
like a terrorist.
Which it is
because it really actually scared me.

At first I thought the raccoons were cats.
And I was really happy.

It's cold out now
because Autumn is in full effect
with lovers wanting to nip at noses
and frost bite scheming a season ahead.

I miss Sara and I miss her a lot
everyday.
I also miss a lot of my closest friends
but I don't want to mention them here
because Sara is my best friend
and she actually reads my blog.

And now I apologize to the friends
who are my close friends
that actually read my blog.
You're still my friend, too.
I just love Sara more than everyone.

Jasper is my boyfriend slash
fiance, with a fancy e,
on good days.
Today
I am feeling a little heavy hearted
and sad.
I miss my mum and my pup.
Maybe it's time to visit.
Or move back.

I've never felt so weird
or maybe I just haven't felt so weird
in a really long time.

I don't think that I want to have friends
because I purposely don't make time for anyone
anymore.
Well I've never made time for anyone
besides myself,
Jasper,
Sara,
and some other people.
Like my sister.
And my pup.
I miss my mum, though. I think about her when I cry.
It makes me even more sad
but still pretty
because I've seen my mum cry before.
And it was the most beautiful thing.
It made me feel numb
in an old fashioned sense.
Like I just couldn't feel anything anymore.
Like frost bite had schemed a season earlier.
Or the raccoons had attacked me.
I don't know.

I'm still alone in my room
in a new apartment.
Jasper kisses me
and asks me what day of the 365 this is.
I say
14.
He says,
really? I thought it was day 17 for some reason.

I wish I was 17 again.
With the same will power and
determination
and love
and warmth I once had.
Now I'm nineteen
I want to drop out of school
I work almost 40 hours a week
I cry everyday
and I just miss everyone.
Today or tonight
will be one of those days/nights.
One where I admit and mope in the
deep side of Loserville.
Because this is who I am now.

A loser.
Maybe it's cool,
because it kinda feels cool,
but sometimes I don't want to be sad anymore.
I just want to be the girl
everyone thinks I am.
The strong sexy writer
who inspires others to be sexy writers.
But I am just a freckle faced Asian
who can barely take out the trash.

-loser

day 13

fuck


?

day 12

Earlier
I had to pee
really
really
really
bad.

So I ran a red light.

And a cop in an undercover car pulled me over.

So then I had to get lectured and
hold in my pee
even longer.

Then I got a $150 ticket.

But my family thinks I should "fight it"
but I feel like a criminal
but I don't know how I feel because
I just needed to pee.



Having to pee really bad isn't a crime.....
I AM NOT A CRIMINAL
I'm sorry waaaaah

day 11

JACK THE RIPPER AND A BROKEN HEART

Ah…

The first time I had ever felt so broken
was after falling in love with a prostitute
She was the first woman to ever tell me that I was unlovable
She said I was insane
I am just a little too brilliant
and
fascinated by anatomy
I love women who are open to being open.

The second woman to tell me I was unlovable
was Miss Mary Nichols

I let her go easily.

Just a hole in her throat and an open chest
inviting me to take a look at her heart.

She bled for me,

Enough to fill two wine glasses.

I suppose she had too much to drink that night.

And the third woman to tell me I was unlovable

was Miss Annie Chapman.

Oh Miss Annie…

She wouldn’t let me hold her

I placed my arms around her shoulders

And she just shrugged

Like I was just a worn out peacoat

So I tore out her intestines

Curly. She wore them like her hair that night

Slightly off the shoulders

Something to keep her warm until she found warmth in a coffin

Then there was Miss Elizabeth Stride,
the fourth woman to call me unlovable

The grocer sold us grapes that day

She was nice

We walked together like man and wife

Until she started walking away

It became man and knife and a bag of grapes that would never become wine for lovers

The fifth woman to call me unlovable was Miss Catherine Eddowes

Oh what a woman

She wanted nothing to do with me

But I didn’t either

I didn’t have time for a drunk housewife

Nor did anyone else.

She squealed a little but I got the job done

Opened her body up like wings

If I had more time

I would have suspended her by her intestines

Instead I laid them out for all of the town to see

This is not the kind of woman you play dress up with

She will hurt you in heels and a nice hair do

I kept her ear as a souvenir

A reminder

That someone out there will always listen to me

The last woman to ever call me unlovable
was dear Miss Mary Jane Kelly

Ha

Sweetheart would never stand a chance as a real housewife

Being six weeks behind payment is not what a real lady does

I drained her of her sins.

I painted her death bed with her own body.

It was a masterpiece at best.

A breast as a pillow and the other by her foot

A drunken liver between her feet

Intestines by the right hip

Spleen by the left

Chopped off her eyebrows

Chopped off her nose

Chopped off her ears

And chopped off her prose

Oh ha ha what a wonderful exhibit

Miss Mary Jane was the definition of naked

Ha ha ha ha

…

..

.

They didn’t call me Saucy Jacky for fun.

I emptied out her abdominal cavity

A good whore should never possess any amount of sweetness